a few months equals life changed.

it's almost 5am.
these past 6-7 months has been killer.
i never knew how big freedom and fashion would get.
the lord is good.

new season of healing for many.
including me.


jhplusbk to come soon.
post show of course.


back to work.
see you guys at the show this thursday. dont be late!

Of Worry and Paradigm Shifts

it's been a while hasn't it? i wonder if blogging less means im being productive in real time. perhaps.

i don't know what to make of this post. a friend of mine started a new blog called "steveleeismeantome", a daily musing consisting of fml moments to which i thought mildly brilliant. i say mildly for now and will conclude it either rubbish or brilliant after a few more posts. yea i said rubbish. sterilized trash is less offensive, at least in my world.

besides the never ending white noise of commuters, it's relatively quiet in my apartment. against the busyness outside, i am left immobile to thoughts - a worrisome creature i am. some say it's necessary for the execution of tasks. others say it leads to ulcers and a horrible attitude in life. cross hatched leaves droop above our balcony reminding that even trees are taken care of.

it is well it is well within my soul. even ants smashed by my roomie's hands show of wrath deserving, yet i am spared when i curse another soul. why is this? this morning, i read on the topic of grace. this past year i've come to a deeper understand of it. it's remarkable to think that paradigms do shift, often unknowingly to the person in them. i knew i lived under grace before, but to what degree? the revelation of God's love for me and the frailty of who i am is humbling.

so for the most of you out there, i've been working with a fantastic team to host a fashion show in the fall. every single day has been a challenge in one way or another. the team is now about 20 strong, yet i always wonder how it will all pan out in the end. i only know to walk by faith for now.

...in the end, all that glitters will fade. more than fame and wealth, i want to leave an impression in the heavenlies.

God be my everything.

tightrope

i will not cop out.
i will not make fashion over jesus.
i will not make cause over jesus.
i will not make emotions over jesus.

i love you jesus.
only you changed my heart and saved me from years of abuse
and pain.

keep me grounded lord because i can't do this without you.

I am loved; I am thankful

i am back, fresh to death droppin on this spot. welcome back welcome back to the wee hours of late night musings.
what's a goin on?

so much it's elephant-sized or more.

where to begin...started student teaching at both a middle and high school, almost cried at seeing how much they've improved in writing essays withing two months, started helping out with FNF, i dont know.. life is just so fantastic.

every morning i awake to a disgruntled body in want of safety between comforter sheets; i fight to get up and out. but God has been doing a number on my conscience and discipline issues. (by the way, much kudos and 'ppreciation to those who have been praying for me about that). never in all of my 20 something years have i been so disciplined. God challenged me to spend time with him right when i wake up (the space between numbness and fleshy desires at its peak) and right before i say adieu to the day and enter into oblivion. it's been about two months since and there is a definate change. remember my previous posts of how busy i was? well... that has increased.. yet my peace and joy in life has also increased all the more. i love teaching these crazy 7th and 9th graders. i love my roommate. i love my friends. i love my church. i love FNF and all its members. i love helping out with UCLA's fashion show. i love the hot weather, the amazing eateries in west la / hollywood / la cienga /santa monica. i love the chill joints in downtown. i love stopping by echo park and grabbing an organic kombacha juice with custom made burrito at tribal cafe. i love that my friend brett always invites me to the echoplex even though i never get to go (but we shall!). i love it that i met people like jeanne and joanne who love art and music and jesus. i love running for free at the wooden. i love going to fashion shows, art shows in olavera street, homemade filipino curry, beach cruzin on venice beach passing a trillion people while talking to alex about how we can raise funds to give children laptops, i love salsa (though i suck), love getting an interview with daniel franco, collaborating with Giving Children Hope and Not For Sale, i love Phoenix and their music, i love willo's rebukes (sometimes), daniel's patience, nart's networking advice, ian's guidance on project execution, yen ling's event planning tips, enoch's prayers, kevin's pure friendship, caroline's supportive attitude, danny's fellowship, stephanie's heart for the broken, matt's late night invitations for tea and cake at korean cafes in downtown (ha), karen's artsy loves, and everything about LA (except the traffic), catherine's i miss yous, gina's vatoloco vmails, reggie's fake disgust when embraced, gloabl-minded people, so many talented people everywhere, so much to learn from...

in all things.. whether rich or poor or with much or little.. i shall be content...

for now.. i know i have much and am not complaining. the only part i've really changed is spending more time with Jesus.... and tah-dah, something has shifted.


Thank you God. You said You will pull me through the months of hell and You did.
You challenged me to spend more time with you and now I realize why.

Everything is still the same in some sense... I think I have changed as a person.

And still changing...

:0)

A Wayward Heart Comes Home

What can I say but be stilled by the grace God has shown me. For the past few days, I've attended the Jesus Generation Conference held by Blessed church. Various speakers spoke so much truth into my life. Prayer warriors at the bottom of the stage prayed for me extensively, prophesied many convicting words of knowledge and of the future. I was left in tears of repentance knowing that God was and still by my side all this time.

I don't know exactly what it is, but I am for certain that 2009 is going to be a very life changing year. Aside from the fact that I will be a salaried teacher by fall, there is a air of freshness equipping me for new beginnings and greater expectations. After being prayed for (I was like Jacob, wrestling for God's blessings and healing until I got it, haha) I felt so free, so liberated from all the months of mental turmoil I was enduring. Many of you know from my emotional instabilities (even more so than usual) I was going through a very dark period of my life. Every morning a new breed of negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and sharp stings pervaded my mind. Questions of "how" or "why" bothered any sanity I held onto. It was obessessive compulsicve thinking to say the least. But by the end of the week, the power of the Holy Spirit took over this crippled mind and challenged it to faith. I was so blind to the truth of God's love and soveringty. I was being oppressed extensively and didn't even know it. God kept telling me that "times of refreshing are soon to come". I was waiting and waiting and waiting... night after night after night after night. Le mes.

When you're living in a life of compromise (in the sense of rebellion, not out of ignorance), you are asking to be enslaved to confusion and dissatisfaction. As for me, I still didn't realized the depth of bitterness I held onto inside. Even reading the bible, often words will be read through the lens of a person's heart. That is why it is crucial to come empty and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when reading the scripture. The other night I was reading "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love" (John 15:10). I was more annoyed than encouraged. I analyzed this verse and thought "So, okay God, then your love is conditional, since I have to do things for you."

But, the heart is truly deceptive... My heart, at that time was filled with anger towards God. I did not "feel" His love. I did not want to acknowledge that He cared for me. And what it came down to was my own selfishness. If you truly think about it, if I profess to have faith in God, then why do I grumble when I don't get what I want? Lack of faith = faith in myself.

During the conference, people prayed certain words "give her a new heart" "God is giving you heart surgery" "Give her joy, take the pain away" "Help her to know that You are good" "Heal the pain in her heart" and more. I didn't tell any of these people what was going on in my life, and I don't believe I made any dramatic gestures during the prayer to give them clues as to what was going on. But time and time again, it always came down to the renewing of my heart. Finally, balling broken and unashamed, I told God how sorry I was for my lack of faith in Him.

Then, liberation.
It's interesting when I looked at the verse in John after the conference. I scribbled the prior mentioned markings on the margins of my bible. Next to it, I wrote "No, the reason why you obey God is because His directions are coming from a place of Love, not vice versa". It made complete sense to me. Without having a relationship based on love, you cannot trust. And without trust, there is no faith, since trust is faith. So, having no faith in God, basically meant, I wasn't living in His love, but doing whatever I pleased (and who am I to know what's best for me right? haha).

There are tons of other God moments, I'll write them up later. But for now,
I am soooo freee and happpppyyyyy!


God you are so good.
Jesus' blood never fails.

Discipline and Love

What has God been doing in my life as of recent... hmm. Let's see here.
"Waiting" and having "patience" has been a recurring theme for several weeks now. The more I struggle in life, the more I realize much about who I am; character flaws that were once unknowingly pushed under the rug are now screaming at me. I am very impatient (not a surprise to many of you). I don't know how to enjoy life without making it a task. I am extremely task-orientated, but also reliant on emotions (which is in essence a contradictory trait to being task-orientated). I am very unforgiving of myself when I fail, and don't know how to be okay in doing nothing. I've realized I picked up these character habits from those who were once close to me, or is close to me, and made them my own. I realized I'm always fighting against God when it comes to my calling-- teaching. I know, at least for this season in my life, I am to eat breathe live to teach. I know being a fashion designer will be exciting in it's initial beginnings, but will inevitably grind me into nothingness as I recognize the machine that controls it. I know once I see the eyes of impoverished youth sparkle with opportunities they've never known, I will say "This is worth it".

Why is God so simple and complex? Why am I so complex? Why does He continuously pursue me and "discipline those He loves". I hate to be disciplined. Who likes it right? I was reading the other day, "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11

So, all these character flaws... being uprooted... through discipline.
A painful process indeed, but I feel so much more free! and happy!
His cup is starting to overflow, or maybe it always has been overflowing and I was just unaware of it.

Man, 2009 is going to be great. I know it!

Passion Church is a Loving Church

So recently, God has been convicting me about illegal software. I have about $3000.00 worth of illegal software in my new Mac. Yoochul asked me if one sin was different from another the other week, and I was truly convicted. I tried to fight it. I needed the software, I need to be making movies, etc. But do the ends justify the means? In this case, no.

I didn't know what to do. I told God that I'm struggling financially. I'm down to about $500.00 for the rest of November and December. Getting new software wasn't going to help the financial problems go away. But God wants obedience not sacrifice, so I proceeded to obey.

Then today i spoke with Brian Kho with passion church asking if he got in touch with his friend who worked at the computer section at UCLA. I wanted to see if there were any discounts available. He then replied, "Bonnie, Passion church bought the CS4 package you needed. I'll meet you sometime tomorrow to give it to you."

Speechless.

These guys were the same students who donated $100.00 to help me purchase my Macbook.

Why do you guys show so much of God's love?

This is grace.

DeFiNiCion NEW SHIRTS

New Shirts:


Check Em Outs!

Crazy Happenings with grace

The other day I was in class feeling very alone. Most of the people in there know that I am a Christian. I speak about my beliefs occasionally, enough for others to label me as "religious". Gosh, I hate that word. It's much like the difference between calling someone your "boyfriend" or calling them your "lover". Yea, both have characteristics of what attraction between two people may look like, but the latter signifies depth. Jesus Christ isn't a teacher who commands me to obey a set of beliefs and I am to damn other people if they aren't following. Jesus Christ loves me. And yes, I do have a relationship with God, where we have dialogue, where He tells me what the next best steps are, where He tells me the future about certain events and people. That is the difference between what "religiosity" and "relationship" is.

For the past few days God has been graciously blessing me, enough for me to see account it more than coincidence. Currently, I am student teaching at Belmont, an inner city school comprised of half of their students failing classes. As many know, I am involved with three ministries: Grace Korean Church Family Group co-Leading, Newsong LA small group, and Christian Students of Conscience (UCLA) Core training. In addition, juggling 20 units and 432084038 pages of reading I wonder where I find the time to socialized (thank God I do).

Christian Students of Conscience had a prayer meeting led by Professor Robert Romero (also a pastor at Newsong LA) on UCLA's campus. It is there where I met Jose Morales. Jose is also now part of CSC's core training group and we meet every Thursday in Culver City, joined with Newsong LA's JAC (Justice Advocacy Compassion) team.

The following few weeks My cohort adviser from UCLA told me to do my observation and 3-weeks of student teaching at Belmont High school. I saw that Belmont had the most need (lack of resources, funds, etc.) and recalled Won Kim (GKC's head pastor's son) telling me "Go to the school that is hardest to work in, and you'll learn more", and heeded his challenging advice.

Every Teacher Education Program student from UCLA has someone called a "guiding" teacher at the schools that they are observing/student teaching at. Well, amazingly, out of all the schools that I had a choice from in LAUSD, and out of all the teachers I could have been observing, I am in Jose Morales's room, my friend, and fellow CSC member. There is much grace upon my life because of this. I have the liberties of studying (catching up on readings) during my "observation time", coming in at an hour that would not severely deprive me of sleep, collaborating smoothly on lesson plans, have genuine conversations about our personal spiritual walks, etc. I was matched with JOSE! Because of this, there is more time allotted in the day to do other ministry works.

For instance, yesterday, I was leading worship and prayer with GKC small group and we ended up hanging out till 1am! If I was with another teacher, I'd be screwed because he/she would be on my case about not coming in at 8am.

The small group time was wonderful and well-needed for most of us (including myself). There were about 15 people in total, and 3 of them were newcomers from Santa Monica College. During prayer time, one of the girls shared her experience about some personal issues and felt that she was going "crazy". Anna and I looked at each other and thought the same "wow, we know exactly what she is going through." We had a change to minister to her and she felt so relieved. Later that night, our group went up to Bruin cafe to hang out, and the same girl talked about how she needed to do an interview for one of her classes. She spent the whole day asking faculty members if any of them had experience with the issues of human trafficking. Will Kim laughed and then told her that I had experience with that (Nightlight) and that that is currently a topic that God has put in my heart. She jumped up ecstatically, and shouted "Oh my gosh, you're exactly the person I need to interview, God is so good!" The crazier part is, I have been praying that God would continue to network me with those who have a heart for anti-human trafficking. Every week I am meeting one or two people, who want to get involved with this issue. Simply amazing.

Oh, yea and another act of grace. Most of you know that I wanted a Macbook so I can start doing the documentary (of which I will keep the subject confidential here but is related to the trafficking issue) and write / record music. I prayed that God would help me financially with getting a Macbook knowing that this will help me make music and movies for His purposes. I searched on craigslist for great deal, but to my dismay found none. UCLA's store was having a sale to get rid of the white 13inch macbooks. They were selling it for 899.99 (2.4ghz, etc) which was an excellent deal considering it had enough power and space to do some editing, and it was 300-400 dollars less than the new ones. But still, that was so much money for me (I bring 1-2 sacked lunch everyday to save money!). Brian Kho of passion church (simple churches, Jaeson Ma, Organic church network) called me and told me to wait at Ackerman book store because he had a gift for me. He was in his dorm (way north of campus), took the bus down, and skated to the bookstore just to meet and and give me a gift. I had told him about the documentary idea prior, and he and a few PC members grouped up and collected $100.00 for me. He said that he felt that this is something PC wants to support in, knowing that this documentary idea came from God. These are college students who don't have money, sometimes eating ramen for their dinners, and I was so humbled to see the love through sacrifice of finances. I don't even go to Passion Church! What the heck!!!??? I ended up paying about 800.00 for a new white macbook. Brian also told me he's going to give me his macbook cover, and a few others said they will help me to learn how to do flash (for CSC / SKYSUN web design) and such. God's grace overflows.


Sometimes I get caught up in my emotional / mind battles and I forget to see such grace.

Simply Amazing.


GOD THANK YOU.

GO WATCH "CALL+RESPONSE" THE MOVIE

Tonight is about turning a movie into a movement. Thousands of people are seeing CALL+RESPONSE as we speak. This means tens of thousands of dollars are going directly to field projects that combat slavery at every level.

We have jumped so many hurdles to get to where we are. While many Producers can breath a sigh of relief on opening night, that's not the story here. We're not out of the woods yet. While many shows are selling out right and left, there are many shows that don't event have one ticket sold yet. I need you to show your commitment and buy a few tickets if you haven't already. This is the only way we are going to be able to expand into other markets in the weeks to come.

If you have already seen CALL+RESPONSE, I hope you want to let everybody in your city know about it. Check out the new city posters we have online: www.callandresponse.com

If you were not able to catch the CALL+RESPONSE special on Dr. Phil today, it really is a must-see. Dr. Phil Clips on C+R

Freedom is up to you. Be The Response.

Justin Dillon
Director/Producer

Education, Social Injustice, and Human Trafficking

It's simply amazing what has been happening for the last few days. I've been connecting with all different types of people, for different reasons. But one goal is sure- that God be glorified through the expression of love.

When reading through the 1000 pages of graduate school articles, I come across numerous historical accounts of social injustices in U.S. education. Over and over, I see people being marginalized, students given unequal opportunities, and the horrible accounts of perverse Protestantism that participated in some of these events. I am a Protestant, no, I am a follower of Jesus Christ. And he did not teach for capitalism to be on of the key interests in American politics. He did not teach that children who were less fortunate than their richer-across-town counterparts be expected to fail since they are "racially inferior". He did not teach that the poor, the fatherless, the orphaned be pushed aside since they were a nuisance to deal with. On the contrary, Jesus is the king of social justice. Did he not talk about issues of money and the dangers of loving it? Did he not tell us Christians to take care of children who have no fathers, the mothers who have no husbands? Did he not reach out to the prostitutes, the outcasts of society, the handicapped, etc?

Yes. The Jesus people see accounted through the figures in textbooks (and even in current events), is not representing the Jesus in the bible. My passion to see the oppressed free, the sex slave to know that they are worthy to be loved, to empower the next generation of children through education, to write and voice about issues that stimulate deeper thoughts of morality, are not my own. These are God's passions that are placed in me.

Digressing a bit...

The other night, I was praying and God spoke a certain calling on my life. It was very shocking since I never fully associated this calling to myself before. However, I felt the Holy Spirit move within me, and could not help but to be overwhelmed with excitement. Then the next several days, I'm meeting people who are interested in the same topic, and wants to 1. network with me 2. work together 3. learn about the subject. I see what God is doing, and it's so incredibly exciting. Living for Jesus is truly living.

He puts a Newsong on my mouth!

He puts a Newsong on my mouth!
I went to Newsong LA today. It was nice seeing familiar faces from Project Revolution. I can't wait until the next project revolution! Being homeless for a few days (part of PR) really puts into perspective what these people are going through. It challenged me to live frugally and trust that God will provide for all my material needs. For instance, I needed a shelf for my room (so cluttered, all them books). I was thinking of purchasing one, but a random girl by my apartment was having a yard sale. A white shelf (I needed white!) she sold to me for only $12.00! In addition, decorating my whole room only amounted to about $100.00. That includes, curtains, curtain rod, shelves, etc. Everything else, I found or got from someone. I love my room!




Today's sermon was truly orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. I am currently going through a difficult transition in my life (one of the most painful actually). Donna, the speaker, talked about Elijah in the book of 1 Kings. After dealing with all 850 prophets of Baal (Jezebal's god), he runs away and is miserable. Jezebel wants to kill Elijah, and even though Elijah saw the awesome power of God, he ran from her and told God how tired he was, even wanting to die! God then, prepared a cake and some water for him and said "Get up and eat." This really showed me how much God does care for my needs. Instead of looking at my painful circumstances, I really have to see all the blessings around me and thank Him for it. I have a wonderful roommate, living in west LA, nice room, great school, great program, so much opportunity to serve in the community...Seriously, thought patterns (especially negative) are so hard to break down sometimes. It's just like how Paul said "What I do not want to do, this I keep doing". But even more so, God showed me that was where I needed to practice "faith". For faith isn't faith unless it's hard to have it right?


There are numerous opportunities to get involved at Newsong LA. So far, Im really interested in writing for the communications department, doing audio tech, singing, shooting photography (dad gave me his old school 35mm SLR), and film. Interestingly, I am currently in the middle of doing a documentary about an important issue that needs to be more addressed in the church, and NS LA is doing a filming about trafficking and minors. My documentary is related to the topic in a sense, but I'll let ya'll know what it's about when it's finished. I shot some footage in Bangkok, and some here (of my friend Laurie Ishii, an ex-prostitute). I am very excited to start and finish this project (which will take me more than a year due to graduate school, and my lack of tech savvy). I'm also excited to start making music. I'm trying to buy a Macbook if anyone is selling them. I've already recorded a song with my friend Kilang back in Bangkok a few months ago, but it's a horrible rough cut. I'm so excited to start working on these projects. I just have to make sure to put God's priorities first!

This is Annie (From Nightlight) and Laurie Ishii (Laurieishii.com)at a Nightlight Benefit a few nights ago.



Please keep me in prayer. I want to glorify God in my personal life, my social life, my education goals, and artistic ventures. For all is meaningless if it doesn't cause the receiver to feel loved or be convicted of God's love!

Now off to Scoops ice cream with Anna.
Till next time.

I love LA!

I'm sitting here on the 8 line big blue bus. I missed me stop on Barrington ave it seems. The diversity of people is a treat to the eyes.

I just arrived to promenade area! Boy am I far. Haha. I feel so alive being in LA. My teammates for the education program are wonderful. UCLA's teacher education program has a social justice agenda and it's really encouraging. Since I am called to teaching, I see a portion of what God is trying to do. While doing quiet time, God taught me about being faithful with all that He has entrusted me with. For instance, in the book of Daniel, the prophet Daniel administrated to the political needs of King Darius. Daniel was so effective in his performance that other officials out of jealously plotted to kill him. Thrown into a lion's den, Daniel was not eaten alive because the Lord protected him. Because of this, King Darius saw the special favor Daniel had on him, therefore made a decree that the god of Daniel shall be worshiped in the land. The way God works. Since I'll be working in a secular environment, there will be many challenges up ahead. Working in a public school can stifle my sole passion to make Jesus' name known; however God was teaching me through this quiet time that He is so much more powerful than my doubts. Oh how it always begins with a mustard seed of faith.

Living to see love acted out is so rewarding. God has been so good to me, for he disciplines those He loves. Pain is discipline, and lately I was having much of it! God was showing me how much I placed idols in my life, and through this painful experience, He will produce righteousness in me.

Meeting anna tonight for some LA fun again. Till next time, love you all!

But what about the fatherless and hungry?

Psalm 82:3-4
Defend the poor and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy; Free them from the hand of the wicked.


Every time I think about my own selfish trials, God seems to sober me up with a verse such as this one. I think about the children in third world nations who are suffering from sharp hunger pangs. I think about orphans whose parents have died or left them behind; or even worse, pushed them into a life of hell through prostitution or slavery. I think about those who are institutionalized in such a way, that the gospel message is almost impossible to penetrate through (almost, because God is always possible). It sobers me up... Wake up Bonnie, stop looking at your own life and get ready for battle (on knees, and on the field).

For we don't fight against flesh and blood but against the ruling authorities, principalities and dark spiritual agents of this world...

Truth Reveals Itself in the End

A rude awakening it was. After considerable attempts to prove oneself right, only truth will reveal itself in the end. And, of course, I was dead on. Some part of me tried to hinge onto any opportunity that was to insure a positive response in the future, yet today marked the day where I let the doors fall and leave it be. It remains heavy, an eyesore to most, but that is the current condition of emotion. It will find itself again on a different, more suitable frame.

How fickle is the heart. Clearly, one who fears the Lord desires to keep attentive to the deceptions of the organ. The heart is most deceitful says the word. And feelings are the ghastly product. People will argue with me, and might say my criticisms are too harsh, but who can ever argue against truth? Time passes, people sin, their sins inadvertently hurt others, and it's a continuous horrid cycle. Unless.....

the heart is captivated by a higher force, a Being who knows the inner workings of man, only because he created him. And then... then will a man become humane.

A Life not Wasted

So today I felt pretty dejected. For several years, I felt convicted that investing into people was more crucial in life than serving my own artistic needs. Various times, I rationalized between how my time could be managed between self-pleasures (music, going to shows, art, etc.) and establishing deeper relationships with people. The realization was obvious; I cannot invest into people's lives if I am too busy with my own passions. There just simply wasn't enough time. Presently, I have much time on my hands. Being in a state of transition (new church, new school, new city, new singleness) has been extremely difficult to deal with. Adding onto having so much time, I forgot what my passions (aside from meeting people) were. There are cook books, photographs, band pictures, scattered poetry pages, unedited mini dv tapes, classical books, my guitar, my bass, and several other mini-passions that lie around my room. When I recall the times I use these items, it almost indefinitely had to do with service. I only used the cookbooks to make meals for people. The musical instruments for church, dv tapes for church film editing, even classical books (reading was a requirement for my undergraduate degree {going to school because I am called to teaching]). I've realized that my main passion in life centers around building people, helping people, and allowing people to become a part of my life. I say this objectively, and not to present myself as some saint.

But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.

Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!

I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.

Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.

TransCulturalism and Times of Refreshing

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God

-Romans 12:2



When I ask people "What do you think you're supposed to be doing in your life?"
I receive various answers. One of these, is the common, "I don't know." I've come to realize that at this point in my life, I'm a bit confused as well. All I know is that God spoke to me today: "Bonnie, times of refreshment will come, you're are in the battlefield right now, so fight. Abide in my love. Your faith will heal you." It was very interesting. Never in my life have I questioned my walk with God so fiercely. I'm showing signs of spiritual bipolarity; one moment I'm walking the narrow path guiding others to His word, the other in self-preserving, victimizing pity, all with crying, anger and bitterness. It is indeed a battlefield with some losses and some wins.

Before I gave my love to another, I loved God with a pure love. I was reminded today of the parable in the bible of the seed that fell among the thorns. Jesus spoke of this seed that eventually was "choked up" by the "riches and pleasures" of the world, and eventually did not "produce fruit." I didn't know I was capable of being so distracted. While these personal character issues were being exposed, God was simultatneously working to introduce me to world of Jesus and works. At one point I felt the social justice liberals were too bent on humanistic efforts (which some indeed are), and not on the gospel message. For what good is it to help people physically when they are not fed the bread of life or given the living water?

However, at this discomforting theological crux where evangelicals meet social liberals, I realized it wasn't about theology anymore, but of myself. Why was I so uncomfortable to pick up the cross in areas where I was comfortable in? This past year, I believe I had grown much in areas of my character I never knew needed some weeding. For instance, God reminded me that the money that I am earning is all His. He showed me how to have compassion for the poor, the oppressed. He gave me a glimspe of what it meant to live incarnationally among the lost as I participated in Project Revolution. He showed me how to not be of the world, but to relate to them in order to show Jesus. "Be like the Jew or the Greek in order to win them for Christ." I knew this truth, and had practiced it several times (with seeing the fruit of success). But God took me to another level. Be like the low income culturally different daughter struggling with paying for college and dealing with family issues. Pray for her, encourage her. Be like the passion infused preacher man who needs friends. Pray for him, share how his teaching inspires. Be like the little foreigner child who cannot speak English, who knows love through performance. Share your hugs with him, pray for him.

To love them is not to be them. It's about sensitivity. I am not to conformed to this world, but by the renewing of the mind know what God is doing. How do I renew the mind? By spending time with Him (word, prayer, music, arts, journaling, etc.) I guess that's when I can be strong and understand how to be effectively culturally sensitive, shifting to different styles and cultures. This shifting has been tiresome at times. Although, I cannot bear to be who I once was. Therefore, I guess all this battling presently will show itself in the end as well. I just hope that time of refreshment is soon; It's been very tough.

Please pray for me.
God loves you and me
more than we will ever know.

Joy in the Father's Arms!

This is me and one of the girls at Nightlight. She drives a motorcylce and had to take me to the post office. I was going crazy on the bike as you can tell. She laughed because she said no other volunteer was crazy enough to enjoy her driving.

Update on the now:

GLORY to you Jesus.

The Father's love sets the captives free. The Father's love takes off the blindfold of the confused. The Father's love empowers, strengthens the weak. The Father's love comforts the depressed. The Father's love heals brokeness.

Thank you Jesus for the Father's love. Thank you for the crossssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

Today, a bunch of ladies with the gift of intercessory prayer came and prayed for me. They spoke so much life into me! One of them gave me a book by Rick Joyner who, after praying to God for 25 years to be taken up to the 3rd heaven to see the activity (like Paul / John was in the bible), God granted his request and he saw all this amazing activity. While reading it, certain portions spoke very deeply into me, and reaffirmed the gospel of grace in my life. I am learning so much about "grace" for the past two weeks. Everything that comes my way is about grace or the Father's love. I'm learning again, to rest in the Father's love. And when I do that, I walk with so much power! Because I don't have to prove anything, I don't have to be be someone I'm not. I don't have to worry about the future! I am a child of God and that is enough. wowowo. So liberating!!!!!

The word of God is sOoOo powerful. As I read it daily, I am soOooO encouraged by its truth. Holy Spirit, You are sOoOo good! Thank you! Thank you Jesus for the cross!

Also, I am learning Thai at a pretty fast rate. I'm going to start Thai school next week, but the Thai I am learning is from the girls in the room I work in. They are the "outcasts" of the organization sort of. But, God opened opportunities for me to share my testimony and speak about Jesus. I even went swimming with one of the girls (who spoke very limited English). Haha, I seriously don't know how we hung out that day, since it was difficult to communicate. But love knows no boundaries, and though I am unaware that she is a Christian, she showed me so much care and love. The women here are amazing. They buy me little food snacks and give me trinkets. I am so shocked, because some of them live off of $2.00-5.00 a day. I cannot help but to be so so so humbled. And once again, the bible speak truth that God uses the weaker things of the world to shame the wise/proud. And I felt so much movement in my heart for their love towards me, though I'm sure some of them aren't Christian. Just typing about it makes me want to cry. I want them to know Jesus' love more and more. I want to serve them more and more. Please pray that I will continue to rest in God's grace and wait upon the Lord to see His movements, so I can follow them.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm having an amazing time.