Art and Deeper

i wonder if it's too much to ask to be surrounded by more fashionista/os, photogs, music junkies and the ecetera. i feel silly dressing up for school sometimes (grad school!). i'm labeled as emo if i passionately enjoy and analyze what students are wearing, or when i look at a photograph and say, "yes, that's it."
something about being in a pool of passionate people strikes me. it lets me live another day. i don't mean to be so dramatic, but that's who i am. i like seeing you, for who you are, not for all that you are hiding behind. you're a tree, and im ready to get beyond your shallow leaves, i dig. that's who i am. and i don't want to be this way at times, it often isolates me for people are a peculiar bunch. they fear what they long for the most, to be real and be. but they raise up their fists, branches and all, waving to themselves to push against the momentarily drafts of purposelessness. im not inclined to tell anyone that i got it all figured out, nope i'm even worse, dealing with insecurities that many do not know of. but what i do know, and have gotten figured out, this life is short, why waste it with superficial jargon? yea, maybe art itself is a shallow distraction also, but it leads to deeper meanings. how can art in essence be superficial without insulting the piece itself? if it is insult, it rightly deserves its pain. it's only is a piece of crap, it deserves to be insulted.

harsh? i suppose. but superficiality is insulting. we all are, and we all insult one another with it. only because we're scared.


until we know we are loved
and is in love.

by one who isn't swayed by the weak structures of this place
we call life.

Crazy Happenings with grace

The other day I was in class feeling very alone. Most of the people in there know that I am a Christian. I speak about my beliefs occasionally, enough for others to label me as "religious". Gosh, I hate that word. It's much like the difference between calling someone your "boyfriend" or calling them your "lover". Yea, both have characteristics of what attraction between two people may look like, but the latter signifies depth. Jesus Christ isn't a teacher who commands me to obey a set of beliefs and I am to damn other people if they aren't following. Jesus Christ loves me. And yes, I do have a relationship with God, where we have dialogue, where He tells me what the next best steps are, where He tells me the future about certain events and people. That is the difference between what "religiosity" and "relationship" is.

For the past few days God has been graciously blessing me, enough for me to see account it more than coincidence. Currently, I am student teaching at Belmont, an inner city school comprised of half of their students failing classes. As many know, I am involved with three ministries: Grace Korean Church Family Group co-Leading, Newsong LA small group, and Christian Students of Conscience (UCLA) Core training. In addition, juggling 20 units and 432084038 pages of reading I wonder where I find the time to socialized (thank God I do).

Christian Students of Conscience had a prayer meeting led by Professor Robert Romero (also a pastor at Newsong LA) on UCLA's campus. It is there where I met Jose Morales. Jose is also now part of CSC's core training group and we meet every Thursday in Culver City, joined with Newsong LA's JAC (Justice Advocacy Compassion) team.

The following few weeks My cohort adviser from UCLA told me to do my observation and 3-weeks of student teaching at Belmont High school. I saw that Belmont had the most need (lack of resources, funds, etc.) and recalled Won Kim (GKC's head pastor's son) telling me "Go to the school that is hardest to work in, and you'll learn more", and heeded his challenging advice.

Every Teacher Education Program student from UCLA has someone called a "guiding" teacher at the schools that they are observing/student teaching at. Well, amazingly, out of all the schools that I had a choice from in LAUSD, and out of all the teachers I could have been observing, I am in Jose Morales's room, my friend, and fellow CSC member. There is much grace upon my life because of this. I have the liberties of studying (catching up on readings) during my "observation time", coming in at an hour that would not severely deprive me of sleep, collaborating smoothly on lesson plans, have genuine conversations about our personal spiritual walks, etc. I was matched with JOSE! Because of this, there is more time allotted in the day to do other ministry works.

For instance, yesterday, I was leading worship and prayer with GKC small group and we ended up hanging out till 1am! If I was with another teacher, I'd be screwed because he/she would be on my case about not coming in at 8am.

The small group time was wonderful and well-needed for most of us (including myself). There were about 15 people in total, and 3 of them were newcomers from Santa Monica College. During prayer time, one of the girls shared her experience about some personal issues and felt that she was going "crazy". Anna and I looked at each other and thought the same "wow, we know exactly what she is going through." We had a change to minister to her and she felt so relieved. Later that night, our group went up to Bruin cafe to hang out, and the same girl talked about how she needed to do an interview for one of her classes. She spent the whole day asking faculty members if any of them had experience with the issues of human trafficking. Will Kim laughed and then told her that I had experience with that (Nightlight) and that that is currently a topic that God has put in my heart. She jumped up ecstatically, and shouted "Oh my gosh, you're exactly the person I need to interview, God is so good!" The crazier part is, I have been praying that God would continue to network me with those who have a heart for anti-human trafficking. Every week I am meeting one or two people, who want to get involved with this issue. Simply amazing.

Oh, yea and another act of grace. Most of you know that I wanted a Macbook so I can start doing the documentary (of which I will keep the subject confidential here but is related to the trafficking issue) and write / record music. I prayed that God would help me financially with getting a Macbook knowing that this will help me make music and movies for His purposes. I searched on craigslist for great deal, but to my dismay found none. UCLA's store was having a sale to get rid of the white 13inch macbooks. They were selling it for 899.99 (2.4ghz, etc) which was an excellent deal considering it had enough power and space to do some editing, and it was 300-400 dollars less than the new ones. But still, that was so much money for me (I bring 1-2 sacked lunch everyday to save money!). Brian Kho of passion church (simple churches, Jaeson Ma, Organic church network) called me and told me to wait at Ackerman book store because he had a gift for me. He was in his dorm (way north of campus), took the bus down, and skated to the bookstore just to meet and and give me a gift. I had told him about the documentary idea prior, and he and a few PC members grouped up and collected $100.00 for me. He said that he felt that this is something PC wants to support in, knowing that this documentary idea came from God. These are college students who don't have money, sometimes eating ramen for their dinners, and I was so humbled to see the love through sacrifice of finances. I don't even go to Passion Church! What the heck!!!??? I ended up paying about 800.00 for a new white macbook. Brian also told me he's going to give me his macbook cover, and a few others said they will help me to learn how to do flash (for CSC / SKYSUN web design) and such. God's grace overflows.


Sometimes I get caught up in my emotional / mind battles and I forget to see such grace.

Simply Amazing.


GOD THANK YOU.

Truth Reveals Itself in the End

A rude awakening it was. After considerable attempts to prove oneself right, only truth will reveal itself in the end. And, of course, I was dead on. Some part of me tried to hinge onto any opportunity that was to insure a positive response in the future, yet today marked the day where I let the doors fall and leave it be. It remains heavy, an eyesore to most, but that is the current condition of emotion. It will find itself again on a different, more suitable frame.

How fickle is the heart. Clearly, one who fears the Lord desires to keep attentive to the deceptions of the organ. The heart is most deceitful says the word. And feelings are the ghastly product. People will argue with me, and might say my criticisms are too harsh, but who can ever argue against truth? Time passes, people sin, their sins inadvertently hurt others, and it's a continuous horrid cycle. Unless.....

the heart is captivated by a higher force, a Being who knows the inner workings of man, only because he created him. And then... then will a man become humane.

Broken

Today was when it hit me... hard.

Walking into the strip bar... seeing the show, where two girls started taking off their clothes.. then crawling around like animals. The men's eyes glazed with numbness... Usually, when going into the bars, my heart was somewhat apathetic, at numerous times. It didn't hit me, because I've seen sex being glamorized, so what's another sex show right, we see enough in movies?

Well.. for some reason, tonight I started crying. I wasn't a whaling buffoon, but just silent tears of heartache exposed a deeper part of me. A friend comforted me and said not to let the challenges get to me. But it wasn't because I felt an empty sorrow for the girls. It was because I knew what they were feeling. I knew how it feels to be exposed and feel cheap of a person, a commodity. I knew what they were feeling.. and yet they had to keep going... but I had the freedom to walk out of the bar. And I did.

I don't think I can ever look at sex the same way that I did before. Growing up, being exposed to so much, (even in my English literature courses, there were tons of sexual jokes/stories/etc.) sex meant power. Seduction was control. It was wrong, immoral, but hey, that was the part of the world that didn't get compassion from me.

But tonight was the breaking point, and now I understand why God brought me here.


God you are the Healer.
Solei Deo Gloria.

Joy in the Father's Arms!

This is me and one of the girls at Nightlight. She drives a motorcylce and had to take me to the post office. I was going crazy on the bike as you can tell. She laughed because she said no other volunteer was crazy enough to enjoy her driving.

Update on the now:

GLORY to you Jesus.

The Father's love sets the captives free. The Father's love takes off the blindfold of the confused. The Father's love empowers, strengthens the weak. The Father's love comforts the depressed. The Father's love heals brokeness.

Thank you Jesus for the Father's love. Thank you for the crossssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

Today, a bunch of ladies with the gift of intercessory prayer came and prayed for me. They spoke so much life into me! One of them gave me a book by Rick Joyner who, after praying to God for 25 years to be taken up to the 3rd heaven to see the activity (like Paul / John was in the bible), God granted his request and he saw all this amazing activity. While reading it, certain portions spoke very deeply into me, and reaffirmed the gospel of grace in my life. I am learning so much about "grace" for the past two weeks. Everything that comes my way is about grace or the Father's love. I'm learning again, to rest in the Father's love. And when I do that, I walk with so much power! Because I don't have to prove anything, I don't have to be be someone I'm not. I don't have to worry about the future! I am a child of God and that is enough. wowowo. So liberating!!!!!

The word of God is sOoOo powerful. As I read it daily, I am soOooO encouraged by its truth. Holy Spirit, You are sOoOo good! Thank you! Thank you Jesus for the cross!

Also, I am learning Thai at a pretty fast rate. I'm going to start Thai school next week, but the Thai I am learning is from the girls in the room I work in. They are the "outcasts" of the organization sort of. But, God opened opportunities for me to share my testimony and speak about Jesus. I even went swimming with one of the girls (who spoke very limited English). Haha, I seriously don't know how we hung out that day, since it was difficult to communicate. But love knows no boundaries, and though I am unaware that she is a Christian, she showed me so much care and love. The women here are amazing. They buy me little food snacks and give me trinkets. I am so shocked, because some of them live off of $2.00-5.00 a day. I cannot help but to be so so so humbled. And once again, the bible speak truth that God uses the weaker things of the world to shame the wise/proud. And I felt so much movement in my heart for their love towards me, though I'm sure some of them aren't Christian. Just typing about it makes me want to cry. I want them to know Jesus' love more and more. I want to serve them more and more. Please pray that I will continue to rest in God's grace and wait upon the Lord to see His movements, so I can follow them.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm having an amazing time.

A Good Friday

Today was a Good Friday.

With a lime colored towel covering my body, I sat looking ridiculous. But with a change or perspective, I'd say I was a trendy Muslim, but one who believes in Jesus Christ as my savior. And calls Allah "God," not "Allah". And doesn't read the Koran nor preaches anything from it. Okay, I would say I only looked like a trendy Muslim.... or strange middle eastern Asian woman.

A throbbing headache was the cause of my flaccid and ill-mannered composure. Picking up a green towel, I asked one of the women, "can I use this? I'm cold." She smiled and responded with "chai". Several girls twisted their bodies to observe at such a funny scene; I was too busy wrapping myself to care. Jeff, Annie's (the lead woman of NL) husband turned on the Passion of the Christ.

Thanks be to Mel Gibson for making this movie. Visual are so helpful in provoking deeper emotions. With that said, yes, I cried. The small living room was filled with reverberating cries. Each time Jesus (played by ??) uttered painful phrases, "I thirst" "Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?" the crying became more intense for me. I tried to shove the towel into my face to muffle the sound. This only made me look even more ridiculous.

For the past few days, God has been revealing a profound, yet simple truth. This notion of "grace" has been so abused by the church. I am speaking about the message of grace that is coupled with law. If grace is preached with the do's and don'ts of law, grace then becomes nullified. Understandably, grace isn't license to sin. However, the focus needs to be on grace first, not sin. Grace will inevitably bring people to flee from sin. God is teaching me to teach/speak/act with grace, not with law. I never knew I was one of those people who preached law, until I realized why I was so miserable for several months. I was held down by the works mentality and I was oblivious to it. I wasn't earning my salvation through works, I understood that, yet I was trying to be free from sin through works. That is a false teaching; this is not the gospel. No one is without sin. And focusing on the sin (whether to resolve it or not) will not get people to love God more.

It is God's kindness that leads to repentance. With that said, watching the Passion brought about a new revelation. It wasn't "I love God so much" but, "God, you loved me that much? Why?" Why God, did you have to suffer? Why do you love me so much?

The communion was passed, and for the first time in my life, eating the body that was broken and drinking the blood became so powerful to me. It took hold of the deeper parts of me, the place where love understands and love resides. This place is where God wanted to captivate for all these months I was living in condemnation. No work, or lofty thing can set itself against the God who chases the human heart.

And for the time being, I am enjoying being chased after.