Libre!

Times of refreshing... it here yet? I can't say it has been easy for the past several months. I've never felt so alone, so betrayed, so disappointed, so confused and even at a point, suicidal. Yes, typical drama queen. Nonetheless, I told God my frustrations, even my anger towards Him. I didn't understand the verse in James when Job's perseverance cause him to be rewarded in the end. My reading of Job shows a man who inevitably complained to God after periods of suffering wore down his soul. But what I do extract from the verse is this: Job complained TO God. Just like King David, these figures were real and honest with God. They communicated their confusion, pain, and anger. They didn't hide their sorrow or irritations at various points of trial.

So today, I told God how angry I was. A part of me felt incredibly frightened, knowing that He could destroy me in an instant. However, I wanted to be honest, just like Job and David were. I guess this is where He is growing my patience and trust in Him. I appreciate quick guaranteed returns for obedience and honestly hate waiting for the next season in life. The Lord kept reminding me to "keep fighting the battle" because the joys and blessings will come sooner than I think. I don't know what to make of this, but... to wait?

It's coming soon.

Take out all the thorns in my feet and in my heart
Restore me to the purest state
so I can see you clearly again.


Keep me in prayer. Please.

A Life not Wasted

So today I felt pretty dejected. For several years, I felt convicted that investing into people was more crucial in life than serving my own artistic needs. Various times, I rationalized between how my time could be managed between self-pleasures (music, going to shows, art, etc.) and establishing deeper relationships with people. The realization was obvious; I cannot invest into people's lives if I am too busy with my own passions. There just simply wasn't enough time. Presently, I have much time on my hands. Being in a state of transition (new church, new school, new city, new singleness) has been extremely difficult to deal with. Adding onto having so much time, I forgot what my passions (aside from meeting people) were. There are cook books, photographs, band pictures, scattered poetry pages, unedited mini dv tapes, classical books, my guitar, my bass, and several other mini-passions that lie around my room. When I recall the times I use these items, it almost indefinitely had to do with service. I only used the cookbooks to make meals for people. The musical instruments for church, dv tapes for church film editing, even classical books (reading was a requirement for my undergraduate degree {going to school because I am called to teaching]). I've realized that my main passion in life centers around building people, helping people, and allowing people to become a part of my life. I say this objectively, and not to present myself as some saint.

But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.

Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!

I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.

Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.

TransCulturalism and Times of Refreshing

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God

-Romans 12:2



When I ask people "What do you think you're supposed to be doing in your life?"
I receive various answers. One of these, is the common, "I don't know." I've come to realize that at this point in my life, I'm a bit confused as well. All I know is that God spoke to me today: "Bonnie, times of refreshment will come, you're are in the battlefield right now, so fight. Abide in my love. Your faith will heal you." It was very interesting. Never in my life have I questioned my walk with God so fiercely. I'm showing signs of spiritual bipolarity; one moment I'm walking the narrow path guiding others to His word, the other in self-preserving, victimizing pity, all with crying, anger and bitterness. It is indeed a battlefield with some losses and some wins.

Before I gave my love to another, I loved God with a pure love. I was reminded today of the parable in the bible of the seed that fell among the thorns. Jesus spoke of this seed that eventually was "choked up" by the "riches and pleasures" of the world, and eventually did not "produce fruit." I didn't know I was capable of being so distracted. While these personal character issues were being exposed, God was simultatneously working to introduce me to world of Jesus and works. At one point I felt the social justice liberals were too bent on humanistic efforts (which some indeed are), and not on the gospel message. For what good is it to help people physically when they are not fed the bread of life or given the living water?

However, at this discomforting theological crux where evangelicals meet social liberals, I realized it wasn't about theology anymore, but of myself. Why was I so uncomfortable to pick up the cross in areas where I was comfortable in? This past year, I believe I had grown much in areas of my character I never knew needed some weeding. For instance, God reminded me that the money that I am earning is all His. He showed me how to have compassion for the poor, the oppressed. He gave me a glimspe of what it meant to live incarnationally among the lost as I participated in Project Revolution. He showed me how to not be of the world, but to relate to them in order to show Jesus. "Be like the Jew or the Greek in order to win them for Christ." I knew this truth, and had practiced it several times (with seeing the fruit of success). But God took me to another level. Be like the low income culturally different daughter struggling with paying for college and dealing with family issues. Pray for her, encourage her. Be like the passion infused preacher man who needs friends. Pray for him, share how his teaching inspires. Be like the little foreigner child who cannot speak English, who knows love through performance. Share your hugs with him, pray for him.

To love them is not to be them. It's about sensitivity. I am not to conformed to this world, but by the renewing of the mind know what God is doing. How do I renew the mind? By spending time with Him (word, prayer, music, arts, journaling, etc.) I guess that's when I can be strong and understand how to be effectively culturally sensitive, shifting to different styles and cultures. This shifting has been tiresome at times. Although, I cannot bear to be who I once was. Therefore, I guess all this battling presently will show itself in the end as well. I just hope that time of refreshment is soon; It's been very tough.

Please pray for me.
God loves you and me
more than we will ever know.

PROJECT REVOLUTION HELP!

Dear Family and friends,

If each of us were to look back at our lives, we could probably select a few experiences that were life changing. These experiences changed the way we think, the way we view the world and God and even drastically change our future life decisions. I will have a chance to experience one of these moments this summer. On June 30, I will join 50 other revolutionaries-at-heart in a week-long urban justice project that will show us what it means to love people sacrificially. I truly believe this will be a life-changing experience. Although many others will choose to spend their summer at the beach, playing video games, or waking up at noon, I consider it a privilege to invest this week in learning new ways to serve and love the poor in the name of Jesus.

Last year, 20 of us took part in Project Revolution and we lived together in community at the Salvation Army Compton. By day, we served in a variety of urban ministries and by night, we had speakers train us on topics of race, poverty, and justice from a biblical perspective. On the 4th of July, we took part in an unforgettable “Freedom Ride” to important historic sites of racial, social, and political struggle in Los Angeles. We also caught a glimpse of what it’s like to be homeless in L.A. This year, 50 of us will spend a similar week serving at a number of faith/community-based organizations that faithfully serve those in need as Christ did. Each day will be another opportunity to learn about God and myself as we work with youth, assist in construction, minister to prostitutes, aid the undocumented, and help the homeless.

I am writing to ask you to consider supporting my team. We are in the process of raising $10,000 to cover the cost of food, lodging, transportation, and ministry materials for our team. My personal goal is to raise $337, so any amount that you could contribute would be of great help. If you are able to support us at this time, please make the check out to Newsong Church and mail it back in the envelope provided.

If you cannot afford to financially support our work at this time, I would ask that you commit to pray for our team. This will be an experience where I am pushed outside of my comfort zone and I’ll need to depend on Christ, so your support through prayer would be very much appreciated.

Blessings,

Bonnie!

Myanmar and the death continues...

PLEASE PRAY FOR CHRISTIANS TO RISE UP AND GO IN!


Im waiting on the Lord to see if He wants me in Myanmar anytime soon. I asked the Lord yesternight "If you want me to go there, I will." And today, I get a message from a friend back home, that my other church, Grace is getting ready to send a team out here soon. I might convene with them after my visa is up in Thailand. Is he giving me confirmation? Well, it's one so far..

But please pray for me. I need to know if this is God's will.


Here is an article, please read...

Bloggers describe 'sad moment' for Myanmar

By Jim Kavanagh
CNN

(CNN) -- Eyewitness reports on the devastation and suffering left in the wake of Tropical Cyclone Nargis in Myanmar trickled out Wednesday by way of Web sites and blogs.

Power lines are down in Yangon after the cyclone struck Myanmar in a photo from iReport contributor Erik Hetrick.

more photos »

"This is indeed a very sad moment for all Myanmar people," blogger Myat Thura wrote from neighboring Thailand.

More than 22,000 people have died, according to estimates from Myanmar's state-run media. Another 40,000 are believed to be missing, according to the estimates, and 1 million have been left homeless since the storm hit last weekend in Myanmar, formerly known as Burma.

"They are my people and it hurts me so much. Why our Burmese people have to suffer such kind of hardship? Why us?" Myat Thura wrote.

Another blogger, who calls herself May Burma, blamed the storm's devastation on corruption and dissipation in Myanmar society.

"Burmese used to say that our country never had natural disaster since we have our religion, culture and so many arhats [spiritual practitioners], pure monks and sayadaws [senior monks]. This is not the case anymore lately," she wrote.

A blogger called Rule of Lords claimed to translate reports from Thai television station Yoma 3 into English. Watch a firsthand report from a devastated village »

According to Rule of Lords, the station quoted eyewitnesses who said refugees were pouring into Laputta, even though the storm flattened the city of 50,000.

"There was water, rain and wind," an eyewitness told Yoma 3, Rule of Lords related. "The shore road was submerged and on the high ground the water was at knee level. The whole town was under water. There were heavy waves all over, and water snakes. Some died from the snakes.

Don't Miss

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• Death, destruction in southern Myanmar
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"There has been no help. No one has anywhere to stay. No work, there's nothing. We're just sticking together at the monastery," the witness told the station, according to Rule of Lords.
iReport.com: Watch video of a baby being carried through the storm

The Irrawaddy, an opposition news Web site, quoted a doctor who said Buddhist monks were helping victims as much as they could.

"Monks and young people in each town collected money and rice after the storm, and they cooked rice soup for the survivors," the physician said, Irrawaddy reported.

In one monastery in the township of Bogalay, about 600 people waited for aid, said CNN correspondent Dan Rivers, who is in the devastated region. The monks there said they had enough food for two days and no prospects of getting more.

Meanwhile, Myanmar military authorities were attempting to prevent the monks from getting involved in relief efforts, Irrawaddy said. Learn more about Myanmar »

"Burmese military officials ordered monks not to use monasteries as safe houses for survivors and, according to journalists in Rangoon, the Ministry of Information ordered news agencies not to publish photographs of Buddhist monks aiding survivors, working in the streets or rebuilding homes," the Web site alleged.

Rangoon is the former name of Yangon, Myanmar's largest city and its economic center.

"The newspapers said the ruling generals and troops encouraged and aided survivors," a dentist told Irrawaddy on Wednesday. "But this has quickly become a standing joke among people in Rangoon. We now say soldiers can only be seen in newspapers -- nowhere else.

Myanmar sites

http://myatthura.blogspot.com

http://www.mayburma.com

http://ratchasima.net

http://www.Irrawaddy.org

http://jotman.blogspot.com

"My house was destroyed," he added. "But I don't see any officials coming to visit me."

A news program on state television showed video of soldiers in helicopters delivering bags of rice and containers of water to people, but it was unclear where in Myanmar the footage was shot, CNN's Rivers reported. Map »

In the southern delta region, the soldiers who were seen were clearing downed trees, not delivering aid, Rivers said.

The Irrawaddy site alleged local officials in Yangon were charging storm victims for tin-roofing material. It said officials' relatives were buying up the material and reselling it at a 600 percent markup.

"Toilets are overflowing," Laputta resident Aye Kyu said, according to Irrawaddy. "If aid does not arrive soon, people will starve to death. I beg both the government and international agencies to get emergency aid to Laputta as soon as possible."

A blogger named Jotman noted the storm devastated Myanmar's main rice-growing region.

"This disaster could not have come at a worse time for Burma and the world; the effects of Cyclone Nargis may be felt far beyond the shores of Burma," Jotman wrote. "Because if the Burmese people are to be fed, the food may have to come from somewhere else.

"It is conceivable that the cyclone will drive up rice and food prices worldwide, and exacerbate global shortages."

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CNN's Dan Rivers contributed to this report.

Joy in the Father's Arms!

This is me and one of the girls at Nightlight. She drives a motorcylce and had to take me to the post office. I was going crazy on the bike as you can tell. She laughed because she said no other volunteer was crazy enough to enjoy her driving.

Update on the now:

GLORY to you Jesus.

The Father's love sets the captives free. The Father's love takes off the blindfold of the confused. The Father's love empowers, strengthens the weak. The Father's love comforts the depressed. The Father's love heals brokeness.

Thank you Jesus for the Father's love. Thank you for the crossssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

Today, a bunch of ladies with the gift of intercessory prayer came and prayed for me. They spoke so much life into me! One of them gave me a book by Rick Joyner who, after praying to God for 25 years to be taken up to the 3rd heaven to see the activity (like Paul / John was in the bible), God granted his request and he saw all this amazing activity. While reading it, certain portions spoke very deeply into me, and reaffirmed the gospel of grace in my life. I am learning so much about "grace" for the past two weeks. Everything that comes my way is about grace or the Father's love. I'm learning again, to rest in the Father's love. And when I do that, I walk with so much power! Because I don't have to prove anything, I don't have to be be someone I'm not. I don't have to worry about the future! I am a child of God and that is enough. wowowo. So liberating!!!!!

The word of God is sOoOo powerful. As I read it daily, I am soOooO encouraged by its truth. Holy Spirit, You are sOoOo good! Thank you! Thank you Jesus for the cross!

Also, I am learning Thai at a pretty fast rate. I'm going to start Thai school next week, but the Thai I am learning is from the girls in the room I work in. They are the "outcasts" of the organization sort of. But, God opened opportunities for me to share my testimony and speak about Jesus. I even went swimming with one of the girls (who spoke very limited English). Haha, I seriously don't know how we hung out that day, since it was difficult to communicate. But love knows no boundaries, and though I am unaware that she is a Christian, she showed me so much care and love. The women here are amazing. They buy me little food snacks and give me trinkets. I am so shocked, because some of them live off of $2.00-5.00 a day. I cannot help but to be so so so humbled. And once again, the bible speak truth that God uses the weaker things of the world to shame the wise/proud. And I felt so much movement in my heart for their love towards me, though I'm sure some of them aren't Christian. Just typing about it makes me want to cry. I want them to know Jesus' love more and more. I want to serve them more and more. Please pray that I will continue to rest in God's grace and wait upon the Lord to see His movements, so I can follow them.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm having an amazing time.

Proof-- Oprah and New Agism

I Will Be Still and Know You are God

i think i understand why i am here...

or at least partially.

today,

during the afternoon, i stayed in the shipping and packaging room with three other thai ladies. i've heard through the grapevine that two of the three women in that room are somewhat unliked by the women at NL. i understood why. they are the "rough" types. they aren't the typical thai who smile and fall into grangjai (people pleasing). but the funny part of it is that i actually feel more comfortable with them. i think it's because i appreciate their "realness" if that makes sense. im not saying you have to be "rough" in order to be real, but it's the ones who aren't scared of people, God can turn around and make great evangelists too. or at least i've seen those types before. anyway, God provided an opportunity for one of them to open up to me. she talked about her ex-boyfriend (she broke it off yesterday) and how he broke her heart so much (he cheated on her). she went into more detail in her limited english. i was so honored for her to open up so easily. i had an opportunity to tell her "even though i dont know if you believe in Jesus, I will pray for you. " She is Buddhist, so keep her in prayer. i know God is bringing situations such as these to plant seeds. OhHhh I hope to see her accept Jesus one day! Anyway, the other girl ended up painting my fingernails a pretty pink/purple color. then, they invited me to go swimming on monday. i felt so loved!!! so tomorrow im going to buy a swimsuit! hooray!

instead of outreach i ate dinner on the street with some of the NL women. i felt so welcomed, embraced and cared for by them. their humility humbles me. and this is when i realized, the same longings to shepherd / care for / protect God's flock back home, I was seeing it emerging here. One of the women, Jat, taught me how to sing "Still" (By Hillsong) in Thai. It was such an awesome experience. Even the Thai worship leader was reluctant to help me, but God used her to teach me instead. God does always use what seems lowly in society to make the biggest impressions in people's lives... at least that is true to me. The word is so true...

It's becoming apparent to me. I am here to intercede, shephard, and enjoy God.
And when I'm focusing just one those three... I am so filled with smiles.

^_____________^

Prayer Requests:

1. Sophia (roommate): she took a couple days off to spend time alone with God (thank GOD, she needed it!). For God to bring more strength and discernement about a heavy situation in her life.

2. NL: For more prayer, more staff

3. NL Ladies: They will all (or at least most of them) realize the love of God (which brings to repetence / salvation).

4. Me: More love for that girl (read last entry). More intimacy with God. More divine appointments / opportunieis to speak with the women. I really really want to share the great gospel news, not just from words, but to befriend them, etc. But this takes a challenging to my comfort levels! Also, I'm taking language classes very soon. I want to pick up Thai quickly! (To converse with the women!).

Thank you!
All glory to Jesus.

Ointments and Pedicures

Pedicures loneliness.

My house mate Sophia, a women in her 30's, has been one of the most supportive people I've met since my arrival. Not only does she pray for me, but makes sure I am well taken care of physically. She gave me ointment to put on my itchy bug bites, and stopped by a pharmacy for bug spray. We then went out for a pedicure. :-)

Two new volunteers are staying in our house. They are from Chicago originally, but is now teaching at an International school in KOREA! I'm a Korean-American in Thailand. They are Americans who teach in Korea, but is also visiting Thailand. Sophia is Thai/Arabian, but is married to an American, and both stayed in Chicago for a while. Talk about mixing cultures. How awesome it is that we are all saved by a savior who doesn't roll with racism.

It already feels like I've been here for a month! I still miss the people in California, but slowly, God is winning my heart back to himself by separating me from the familiar.

Some prayer requests:

Me: That I will continue to learn to rest in God's love. I will also learn to show more love to the fellow workers at Nightlight. I will supernaturally pick up the language especially during language school. Protection from bad dreams / mind battles after going into the strip bars (outreach: tues/fridays).

Sophia: Healing. Strength. Solitude with God. More blessings.

NL staff: More help. Joy. Blessings to pour out on them.

NL women: Deeper in God's love. Protection from foreign men with ill motives. Acceptance of Christ (not all are saved).