I am loved; I am thankful

i am back, fresh to death droppin on this spot. welcome back welcome back to the wee hours of late night musings.
what's a goin on?

so much it's elephant-sized or more.

where to begin...started student teaching at both a middle and high school, almost cried at seeing how much they've improved in writing essays withing two months, started helping out with FNF, i dont know.. life is just so fantastic.

every morning i awake to a disgruntled body in want of safety between comforter sheets; i fight to get up and out. but God has been doing a number on my conscience and discipline issues. (by the way, much kudos and 'ppreciation to those who have been praying for me about that). never in all of my 20 something years have i been so disciplined. God challenged me to spend time with him right when i wake up (the space between numbness and fleshy desires at its peak) and right before i say adieu to the day and enter into oblivion. it's been about two months since and there is a definate change. remember my previous posts of how busy i was? well... that has increased.. yet my peace and joy in life has also increased all the more. i love teaching these crazy 7th and 9th graders. i love my roommate. i love my friends. i love my church. i love FNF and all its members. i love helping out with UCLA's fashion show. i love the hot weather, the amazing eateries in west la / hollywood / la cienga /santa monica. i love the chill joints in downtown. i love stopping by echo park and grabbing an organic kombacha juice with custom made burrito at tribal cafe. i love that my friend brett always invites me to the echoplex even though i never get to go (but we shall!). i love it that i met people like jeanne and joanne who love art and music and jesus. i love running for free at the wooden. i love going to fashion shows, art shows in olavera street, homemade filipino curry, beach cruzin on venice beach passing a trillion people while talking to alex about how we can raise funds to give children laptops, i love salsa (though i suck), love getting an interview with daniel franco, collaborating with Giving Children Hope and Not For Sale, i love Phoenix and their music, i love willo's rebukes (sometimes), daniel's patience, nart's networking advice, ian's guidance on project execution, yen ling's event planning tips, enoch's prayers, kevin's pure friendship, caroline's supportive attitude, danny's fellowship, stephanie's heart for the broken, matt's late night invitations for tea and cake at korean cafes in downtown (ha), karen's artsy loves, and everything about LA (except the traffic), catherine's i miss yous, gina's vatoloco vmails, reggie's fake disgust when embraced, gloabl-minded people, so many talented people everywhere, so much to learn from...

in all things.. whether rich or poor or with much or little.. i shall be content...

for now.. i know i have much and am not complaining. the only part i've really changed is spending more time with Jesus.... and tah-dah, something has shifted.


Thank you God. You said You will pull me through the months of hell and You did.
You challenged me to spend more time with you and now I realize why.

Everything is still the same in some sense... I think I have changed as a person.

And still changing...

:0)

A Wayward Heart Comes Home

What can I say but be stilled by the grace God has shown me. For the past few days, I've attended the Jesus Generation Conference held by Blessed church. Various speakers spoke so much truth into my life. Prayer warriors at the bottom of the stage prayed for me extensively, prophesied many convicting words of knowledge and of the future. I was left in tears of repentance knowing that God was and still by my side all this time.

I don't know exactly what it is, but I am for certain that 2009 is going to be a very life changing year. Aside from the fact that I will be a salaried teacher by fall, there is a air of freshness equipping me for new beginnings and greater expectations. After being prayed for (I was like Jacob, wrestling for God's blessings and healing until I got it, haha) I felt so free, so liberated from all the months of mental turmoil I was enduring. Many of you know from my emotional instabilities (even more so than usual) I was going through a very dark period of my life. Every morning a new breed of negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and sharp stings pervaded my mind. Questions of "how" or "why" bothered any sanity I held onto. It was obessessive compulsicve thinking to say the least. But by the end of the week, the power of the Holy Spirit took over this crippled mind and challenged it to faith. I was so blind to the truth of God's love and soveringty. I was being oppressed extensively and didn't even know it. God kept telling me that "times of refreshing are soon to come". I was waiting and waiting and waiting... night after night after night after night. Le mes.

When you're living in a life of compromise (in the sense of rebellion, not out of ignorance), you are asking to be enslaved to confusion and dissatisfaction. As for me, I still didn't realized the depth of bitterness I held onto inside. Even reading the bible, often words will be read through the lens of a person's heart. That is why it is crucial to come empty and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when reading the scripture. The other night I was reading "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love" (John 15:10). I was more annoyed than encouraged. I analyzed this verse and thought "So, okay God, then your love is conditional, since I have to do things for you."

But, the heart is truly deceptive... My heart, at that time was filled with anger towards God. I did not "feel" His love. I did not want to acknowledge that He cared for me. And what it came down to was my own selfishness. If you truly think about it, if I profess to have faith in God, then why do I grumble when I don't get what I want? Lack of faith = faith in myself.

During the conference, people prayed certain words "give her a new heart" "God is giving you heart surgery" "Give her joy, take the pain away" "Help her to know that You are good" "Heal the pain in her heart" and more. I didn't tell any of these people what was going on in my life, and I don't believe I made any dramatic gestures during the prayer to give them clues as to what was going on. But time and time again, it always came down to the renewing of my heart. Finally, balling broken and unashamed, I told God how sorry I was for my lack of faith in Him.

Then, liberation.
It's interesting when I looked at the verse in John after the conference. I scribbled the prior mentioned markings on the margins of my bible. Next to it, I wrote "No, the reason why you obey God is because His directions are coming from a place of Love, not vice versa". It made complete sense to me. Without having a relationship based on love, you cannot trust. And without trust, there is no faith, since trust is faith. So, having no faith in God, basically meant, I wasn't living in His love, but doing whatever I pleased (and who am I to know what's best for me right? haha).

There are tons of other God moments, I'll write them up later. But for now,
I am soooo freee and happpppyyyyy!


God you are so good.
Jesus' blood never fails.

Times of Refreshing -- a glimpse.

For the past few days, Willma and I have been doing the bible reading (one hour) consistently, and how it is revolutionizing my growth! Anna came down a few times to read with us. Today, Danny Rha joined us in my room. We had an awesome time of prayer! God really spoke to us about UCLA, and about our individual lives. Oh I am so so so so so excited for what is up ahead. I love my classmates. I love them! They are so wonderful. I love the program. It is hardcore social justice focused. I am going to start getting trained by Tatiana from Newsong LA; she wants me to have leadership training for JAC / CSC of Newsong LA church and UCLA. Oh I am so excited. In addition, Willma is having his family group on campus on Tuesday nights. There is so much going on, and I am just so thankful for so many people who have been praying for me and constantly challenging / encouraging. Even yesterday, Yen Ling, my roommate told me that God wants her to do devotionals with me in the mornings. I was so blessed to hear that, for I struggle with the most mind battles in the mornings! So, this upcoming is going to be a hardcore intensive year of growth in God's movements in all areas of my life. Yayayayayyyy!There is so much a person can focus on in this life, but when you come to a point of focusing on His purposes, something insides you lives... for when we die for Him, that's when we truly live.

Oh fasho.

Till next time.

GODSPEED.

Joy in the Father's Arms!

This is me and one of the girls at Nightlight. She drives a motorcylce and had to take me to the post office. I was going crazy on the bike as you can tell. She laughed because she said no other volunteer was crazy enough to enjoy her driving.

Update on the now:

GLORY to you Jesus.

The Father's love sets the captives free. The Father's love takes off the blindfold of the confused. The Father's love empowers, strengthens the weak. The Father's love comforts the depressed. The Father's love heals brokeness.

Thank you Jesus for the Father's love. Thank you for the crossssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

Today, a bunch of ladies with the gift of intercessory prayer came and prayed for me. They spoke so much life into me! One of them gave me a book by Rick Joyner who, after praying to God for 25 years to be taken up to the 3rd heaven to see the activity (like Paul / John was in the bible), God granted his request and he saw all this amazing activity. While reading it, certain portions spoke very deeply into me, and reaffirmed the gospel of grace in my life. I am learning so much about "grace" for the past two weeks. Everything that comes my way is about grace or the Father's love. I'm learning again, to rest in the Father's love. And when I do that, I walk with so much power! Because I don't have to prove anything, I don't have to be be someone I'm not. I don't have to worry about the future! I am a child of God and that is enough. wowowo. So liberating!!!!!

The word of God is sOoOo powerful. As I read it daily, I am soOooO encouraged by its truth. Holy Spirit, You are sOoOo good! Thank you! Thank you Jesus for the cross!

Also, I am learning Thai at a pretty fast rate. I'm going to start Thai school next week, but the Thai I am learning is from the girls in the room I work in. They are the "outcasts" of the organization sort of. But, God opened opportunities for me to share my testimony and speak about Jesus. I even went swimming with one of the girls (who spoke very limited English). Haha, I seriously don't know how we hung out that day, since it was difficult to communicate. But love knows no boundaries, and though I am unaware that she is a Christian, she showed me so much care and love. The women here are amazing. They buy me little food snacks and give me trinkets. I am so shocked, because some of them live off of $2.00-5.00 a day. I cannot help but to be so so so humbled. And once again, the bible speak truth that God uses the weaker things of the world to shame the wise/proud. And I felt so much movement in my heart for their love towards me, though I'm sure some of them aren't Christian. Just typing about it makes me want to cry. I want them to know Jesus' love more and more. I want to serve them more and more. Please pray that I will continue to rest in God's grace and wait upon the Lord to see His movements, so I can follow them.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm having an amazing time.