Proof-- Oprah and New Agism

I Will Be Still and Know You are God

i think i understand why i am here...

or at least partially.

today,

during the afternoon, i stayed in the shipping and packaging room with three other thai ladies. i've heard through the grapevine that two of the three women in that room are somewhat unliked by the women at NL. i understood why. they are the "rough" types. they aren't the typical thai who smile and fall into grangjai (people pleasing). but the funny part of it is that i actually feel more comfortable with them. i think it's because i appreciate their "realness" if that makes sense. im not saying you have to be "rough" in order to be real, but it's the ones who aren't scared of people, God can turn around and make great evangelists too. or at least i've seen those types before. anyway, God provided an opportunity for one of them to open up to me. she talked about her ex-boyfriend (she broke it off yesterday) and how he broke her heart so much (he cheated on her). she went into more detail in her limited english. i was so honored for her to open up so easily. i had an opportunity to tell her "even though i dont know if you believe in Jesus, I will pray for you. " She is Buddhist, so keep her in prayer. i know God is bringing situations such as these to plant seeds. OhHhh I hope to see her accept Jesus one day! Anyway, the other girl ended up painting my fingernails a pretty pink/purple color. then, they invited me to go swimming on monday. i felt so loved!!! so tomorrow im going to buy a swimsuit! hooray!

instead of outreach i ate dinner on the street with some of the NL women. i felt so welcomed, embraced and cared for by them. their humility humbles me. and this is when i realized, the same longings to shepherd / care for / protect God's flock back home, I was seeing it emerging here. One of the women, Jat, taught me how to sing "Still" (By Hillsong) in Thai. It was such an awesome experience. Even the Thai worship leader was reluctant to help me, but God used her to teach me instead. God does always use what seems lowly in society to make the biggest impressions in people's lives... at least that is true to me. The word is so true...

It's becoming apparent to me. I am here to intercede, shephard, and enjoy God.
And when I'm focusing just one those three... I am so filled with smiles.

^_____________^

Prayer Requests:

1. Sophia (roommate): she took a couple days off to spend time alone with God (thank GOD, she needed it!). For God to bring more strength and discernement about a heavy situation in her life.

2. NL: For more prayer, more staff

3. NL Ladies: They will all (or at least most of them) realize the love of God (which brings to repetence / salvation).

4. Me: More love for that girl (read last entry). More intimacy with God. More divine appointments / opportunieis to speak with the women. I really really want to share the great gospel news, not just from words, but to befriend them, etc. But this takes a challenging to my comfort levels! Also, I'm taking language classes very soon. I want to pick up Thai quickly! (To converse with the women!).

Thank you!
All glory to Jesus.

Vent-alation: I need to breath

The purpose of this blog is not to lie you people and say that everything is okay, and that God is doing amazing works. He is always doing amazing works. But aside from that, I made this blog to show the experience of what I am encountering here in Bangkok through the joys, randomness and frustrations that come with it. Therefore, if you feel shocked at my venting, please go read some Psalms... David was pretty annoyed too.

In no way am I trying to represent this organization in a bad light. The group is amazing, there are many positive aspects about it. This venting is only a personal issue between me and a visitor/volunteer.

I am annoyed.

Well, first, there's the visitor, who seems to have some animosity toward Korean people. She doesn't appreciate the culture. She mentions how she "hates" the rice in Korea because it made her gain weight. She doesn't understand why people are so pushy and shovey there. She just doesn't have a heart for Korea. And that's fine. But I don't understand why she is working there. And I don't understand why she isn't considerate of my feelings, sharing these details with me when I am Korean. She says it half-jokingly, but I know that she doesn't like Korea. I want to share with her how I was born in California, and dealt with racial issues. Being an American, I had to deal with racist jokes, racist name calling, being marginalized in certain areas, etc. And I am AMERICAN. And I'm not going to lie and say that I never dealt with the same feelings she had, yet her expressing it to me, is that some strange coping mechanism?

Now the girl that I'm really having a problem with.. She is older than me by a few years, and annoyingly opinionated. I had to do some data entry for the past 2 weeks and had to move around locations twice. She tells me that we are going to be in the same room, and she ends up never really showing up. So for about two days I was alone in a dark room, dusty (I am allergic to dust) and miserable in the back filling out papers. New volunteers come along, and she is giving them the opportunities to do work on the computer. So, I am basically pushed aside in the dark room downstairs to make room for the new volunteers. I can't help but to wonder if she is slightly prejudiced towards me because I'm Asian. I shouldn't jump to conclusions on that, but it did cross my mind. Sometimes I feel a sense of jealously from her. I established friendships here rather quickly, in the organization and at Newsong Bangkok. It always seems like she needs to prove something to everyone. I don't know what has happened in her life, but she has some major issues. Today the visitor girl, the girl I am having a problem with, and I were conversing on the pros and cons of Macs and PCs. She went on about some details that there is not much difference in programs since Apple's applications can be downloaded to PCs. I responded that Mac is more efficient because it has the same companies making the OS, Processor and CPU so there's a less likely chance of crashing and encountering errors. But mid sentence she cuts me off!

This girl had some major problems with other volunteers in the past. I keep getting advice from people to "love" her etc. But no one knows how it feels to be in a country where you feel so alone, and a co-volunteer adds onto the problem. So I would really appreciate it if people could at least show some compassion at least and pray for me. It's incredibly insulting and annoying. Her arrogance is a purifying stench. It's amazing. I've established friendships with many of the women who work here (the ex-prostitutes). I feel they understand where I'm coming from much more than the girl. They embrace me, welcome me, talk to me. Maybe it's a culture thing, I don't know.

I feel some of the women may feel a bit turned off by the gospel. Many of them are not saved. I understand that it is their choice, and that Hindu/Buddhism is part of Thai culture (much like Jews), however, the gospel knows no boundaries. What is the gospel? GRACE. Many of the staff and other volunteers do act out in grace; they are compassionate. But, as for the girl... if one creates an atmosphere where there is an underlying power conflict, people are bound to break under pressure. Or at least feel turned off to the gospel. Yes, the very effort that is made (the organization itself) exemplifies love, grace, yet, that should not be the end. Love is beyond the act of bringing people out of bondage. Love is also making an effort to establish friendships, go down to the level of the foreigner. Yes, I know I am speaking for myself with the girl. But, I have tried. Try harder you say? Well, why don't you come here and try for me.

For now, I am scared that I will confront her soon. I hope it be at a point where it is loving and not explosive.

God help me.
What are your opinions?

Ointments and Pedicures

Pedicures loneliness.

My house mate Sophia, a women in her 30's, has been one of the most supportive people I've met since my arrival. Not only does she pray for me, but makes sure I am well taken care of physically. She gave me ointment to put on my itchy bug bites, and stopped by a pharmacy for bug spray. We then went out for a pedicure. :-)

Two new volunteers are staying in our house. They are from Chicago originally, but is now teaching at an International school in KOREA! I'm a Korean-American in Thailand. They are Americans who teach in Korea, but is also visiting Thailand. Sophia is Thai/Arabian, but is married to an American, and both stayed in Chicago for a while. Talk about mixing cultures. How awesome it is that we are all saved by a savior who doesn't roll with racism.

It already feels like I've been here for a month! I still miss the people in California, but slowly, God is winning my heart back to himself by separating me from the familiar.

Some prayer requests:

Me: That I will continue to learn to rest in God's love. I will also learn to show more love to the fellow workers at Nightlight. I will supernaturally pick up the language especially during language school. Protection from bad dreams / mind battles after going into the strip bars (outreach: tues/fridays).

Sophia: Healing. Strength. Solitude with God. More blessings.

NL staff: More help. Joy. Blessings to pour out on them.

NL women: Deeper in God's love. Protection from foreign men with ill motives. Acceptance of Christ (not all are saved).

I prefer jerbe over mosquitoes

It's 6:00 am and I cannot sleep. I am so scared of mosquitoes. They bit me up pretty badly just a few hours ago. My poor legs. I want to sleep! :-(

In other news, I am currently serving on the praise team at Newsong Bangkok. It has been an interesting experience.

I'm starting to appreciate Bangkok much.
I am missing home still. I miss Johnny. I miss my 02 girls. I miss family... and anno/cat/rest of friends. So tired. I want a jerbe.


jerbe.

A Good Friday

Today was a Good Friday.

With a lime colored towel covering my body, I sat looking ridiculous. But with a change or perspective, I'd say I was a trendy Muslim, but one who believes in Jesus Christ as my savior. And calls Allah "God," not "Allah". And doesn't read the Koran nor preaches anything from it. Okay, I would say I only looked like a trendy Muslim.... or strange middle eastern Asian woman.

A throbbing headache was the cause of my flaccid and ill-mannered composure. Picking up a green towel, I asked one of the women, "can I use this? I'm cold." She smiled and responded with "chai". Several girls twisted their bodies to observe at such a funny scene; I was too busy wrapping myself to care. Jeff, Annie's (the lead woman of NL) husband turned on the Passion of the Christ.

Thanks be to Mel Gibson for making this movie. Visual are so helpful in provoking deeper emotions. With that said, yes, I cried. The small living room was filled with reverberating cries. Each time Jesus (played by ??) uttered painful phrases, "I thirst" "Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?" the crying became more intense for me. I tried to shove the towel into my face to muffle the sound. This only made me look even more ridiculous.

For the past few days, God has been revealing a profound, yet simple truth. This notion of "grace" has been so abused by the church. I am speaking about the message of grace that is coupled with law. If grace is preached with the do's and don'ts of law, grace then becomes nullified. Understandably, grace isn't license to sin. However, the focus needs to be on grace first, not sin. Grace will inevitably bring people to flee from sin. God is teaching me to teach/speak/act with grace, not with law. I never knew I was one of those people who preached law, until I realized why I was so miserable for several months. I was held down by the works mentality and I was oblivious to it. I wasn't earning my salvation through works, I understood that, yet I was trying to be free from sin through works. That is a false teaching; this is not the gospel. No one is without sin. And focusing on the sin (whether to resolve it or not) will not get people to love God more.

It is God's kindness that leads to repentance. With that said, watching the Passion brought about a new revelation. It wasn't "I love God so much" but, "God, you loved me that much? Why?" Why God, did you have to suffer? Why do you love me so much?

The communion was passed, and for the first time in my life, eating the body that was broken and drinking the blood became so powerful to me. It took hold of the deeper parts of me, the place where love understands and love resides. This place is where God wanted to captivate for all these months I was living in condemnation. No work, or lofty thing can set itself against the God who chases the human heart.

And for the time being, I am enjoying being chased after.

Bonnie a Bruin?

I was about 100% sure that I was supposed to go to Columbia University. I prayed that He would close the door one on thought so I wouldn't be struggling to choose... and He did. Praise God. Though, I am still a bit shocked.

An email from Johnny:

I had a dream a month ago that you were going to ucla, and I had a strong feeling about it before too. I didn't say anything though cuz i thought u'd get a little irritated about it. but thats interesting. anywho congrats on getting into ucla.

God is funny.

Will write more about me being here in Bangkok... soon...

I want to go Home.

A few days immersed in smog-filled air and loud engines racing by can make an orange county girl like me in want of sweet sweet relief. In other words, I want to go home.

Yes, I'd say it is rather pathetic, being a "missionary" to do God's work, I haven't seem to grasp what that work is. Originally I came with the intent to volunteer my services, time, and whatever other talents I may possess. How glorious! Such a servant's heart one would think. However, it hasn't been that way. I am adjusting to the daily movements of administrative paperwork. I take time to sit with some women and string in beads together (they make jewelry to earn a proper wage). I have been on outreach in the red light area (Nana). And currently, teaching English /guitar are the next assignments they have scheduled for me... and yet...

I feel absolutely useless... and alone.
I never could emphasize with those who came from other countries (missionaries / foriegn exchange students / college students) until now. Though it's been about 5 days, loneliness has quickly become my closest friend...and physical sickness..So I have two friends..

I brought a cold virus from California (poor Thai) and it evolved into a sinus infection. In addition the smog was irritating my lungs and I had to cover my mouth a few times so that psychologically I wasn't inhaling the poison (I usually do this when I take a crap too [TMI?] ). Then I drank the water, and my stomach started to hurt... So of course, feeling lonely, having a cold, sinus infection, and stomachache I'm pretty sure it's somewhat understandable that I wanted to go home...

Then I heard God speak.
It's always amazing to try to figure God out. Being a Christian for about 7 years, He never seems to show the same side of Him. There is the Sweet Father God; the one who smothers his children with blessings and ooeygooey affection. There is the human God; Jesus Christ who understands our temptations, limitations, struggles and reluctance to do the will of God (Yes, Jesus didn't necessarily want to die on the cross, but He wanted to do the Father's will). And as of now...

God has become.. the disciplining Father.
I read in Proverbs the other day "God disciplines those He loves." And then today's sermon at Newsong was about loneliness and how before Jesus did ministry, God the Father took him to a desert and tested him for 40 days. After that, his ministry was powerful! What does that discipline look like for me? Well, before doing God's work, I needed to refocus on my relationship with Him.

So today, I sat in a nearby cafe, sipping on a watered-down cafe mocha (I make Bangkok sound horrible) with my bible and journal. And God and I went on a date. He spoke to me pretty clearly through some scriptures. We were there well over 2 hours. And it was good.

I still have those feelings of wanting to go home. I still feel absolutely lonely and misunderstood by many (no need for details). But, this is what God wants for now... discipline. To spend time with Him and let Him be enough in this world...I guess it's another reminder that heaven is our real abode and only there will Christians come to resolve their innate desire to belong.