Libre!

Times of refreshing... it here yet? I can't say it has been easy for the past several months. I've never felt so alone, so betrayed, so disappointed, so confused and even at a point, suicidal. Yes, typical drama queen. Nonetheless, I told God my frustrations, even my anger towards Him. I didn't understand the verse in James when Job's perseverance cause him to be rewarded in the end. My reading of Job shows a man who inevitably complained to God after periods of suffering wore down his soul. But what I do extract from the verse is this: Job complained TO God. Just like King David, these figures were real and honest with God. They communicated their confusion, pain, and anger. They didn't hide their sorrow or irritations at various points of trial.

So today, I told God how angry I was. A part of me felt incredibly frightened, knowing that He could destroy me in an instant. However, I wanted to be honest, just like Job and David were. I guess this is where He is growing my patience and trust in Him. I appreciate quick guaranteed returns for obedience and honestly hate waiting for the next season in life. The Lord kept reminding me to "keep fighting the battle" because the joys and blessings will come sooner than I think. I don't know what to make of this, but... to wait?

It's coming soon.

Take out all the thorns in my feet and in my heart
Restore me to the purest state
so I can see you clearly again.


Keep me in prayer. Please.

A Life not Wasted

So today I felt pretty dejected. For several years, I felt convicted that investing into people was more crucial in life than serving my own artistic needs. Various times, I rationalized between how my time could be managed between self-pleasures (music, going to shows, art, etc.) and establishing deeper relationships with people. The realization was obvious; I cannot invest into people's lives if I am too busy with my own passions. There just simply wasn't enough time. Presently, I have much time on my hands. Being in a state of transition (new church, new school, new city, new singleness) has been extremely difficult to deal with. Adding onto having so much time, I forgot what my passions (aside from meeting people) were. There are cook books, photographs, band pictures, scattered poetry pages, unedited mini dv tapes, classical books, my guitar, my bass, and several other mini-passions that lie around my room. When I recall the times I use these items, it almost indefinitely had to do with service. I only used the cookbooks to make meals for people. The musical instruments for church, dv tapes for church film editing, even classical books (reading was a requirement for my undergraduate degree {going to school because I am called to teaching]). I've realized that my main passion in life centers around building people, helping people, and allowing people to become a part of my life. I say this objectively, and not to present myself as some saint.

But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.

Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!

I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.

Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.