Perspective determines everything. What is this "everything" I speak of? Well, basically, what the word entails. All that encompasses life, meaning, effort, blah! I had a dream the other night. Someone told me in the dream "An angel of the Lord was sent to you to bother you". This was after all the series of unfornate occurnaces in my recent life.
Fortunate Unfortunate Event 1:
I was studying at Covel's study area @ UCLA. I left my blackberry phone. And left the premise (since they close at 2am). I realized this grave mistake, went back, was told they locked up the place, wanted to smack the worker girl for her lack of care for my precious organizer of my life that was left alone in that cold and unwelcoming room. After revisiting Covel trice, calling four times, the realization set in that I wasn't going to get my precious phone back. Feeling very anxious and discombobulated, I wondered what was I do to... pray... I prayed that I would get it back. But I didn't. So I wondered what the point of this situation was. Strangly enough, I was challeneged to choose a different perspective. I started thanking God for the freedom of not having emails / texts / calls / aims / bbchatmessages /facebook status distractions running my life. And for a week, I did not have a phone, and I felt so free. IN addition, I did get a new phone for free, from my dad. He surprised me with a sidekick (oh how sidekicks will never depart from me) and we ate dinner for the first time together in downtown a few days ago. I love the sidekick. It suits me so much better than a blackberry. God is amazing. He knows best.
Fortunate Unfortunate Event 2:
The next day, I went back to Covel (why, I dont know), and ate some soup. A few hours later, I woke up at 2am making myself friendly with the toilet. I was blowing my nose and there was blood. hmm okay. Food poisoned and miserable, I thought to myself "woe's me, this dreadful occurance." I went back to sleep, and woke up at 7am feeling like acid was bubbling in my tummy. Deciding to head for the emergency room (yea, it was bad enough). Driving on Pico bld nauseated and miserable, I pulled over and threw up along the road. ugh. So miserable. Then as I headed back to UCLA's hospital, another thought challeneged me. "How can you change your perspective in this situaiton?" WIth that, praises came out of my mouth even thought I didnt "feel" like saying them. "Thank you God for a car to go to the ER with. Thank you God for the hospital that I can go to" etc. It was oddly enough..very refreshing. Upon entering the hospital, they put an iv into me, pumped some fluids and drugs. And I was okay after a few hours.
Fortunate Unfortunate Event 3:
After that day, I was planning the meals for the CSC retreat, thinking to leave right away to the grocery store (since I had to carpool within 2 hours)... when I recieve a call from the UPS man outside who wanted me to open up the gate. He had a package for MY NEIGHBOR but decided to call my apt instead since he couldn't get a hold of her. So, still talking with him on the phone, I walk out take the package, drop it off at my neighbor's door and come back to the closed door of my LOCKED apt. I didn't have anyone's number (phone got stolen), and didn't remember anyone's number. So... after being pretty pissed... again... an opportunity to change my thoughts! So, looking at the sun, I started with "It's such a beautiful day today. God thank you that it is a beautiful day, and everything is under control." I'm not going to lie, it was still very annoying. I have people waiting for me (carpool) and I didn't even start shopping for the food. I walk to my neighbor's apt (the one where I left the package at the door) and knocked. She let me in, let me use her internet, I got a hold of my roommate and called her. SHe was in Corona and wasn't going to be back until after the weekend. Great. So I call the manager and they came later...BUT the point was... I met my neighbor and she surfs. and does computer website programming, and snowboards, and GAH! She is amazing! I ended up being extremely happy that I got locked out so I met this wonderful new friend! I might ask her to design the Freedom and Fashion website! We'll seee. For now, we're going to be surfing together. yay!
Fortunate Unfortunate Event 4:
The CSC retreat was amazing. The beach house was posh, and we had breakfast facing the ocean waves everyday. We did devos in the sand. Le sigh. Everything was going amazing, until I slept wrong and cramped my neck. I couldn't move it to the right. It was so bothersome that my head started hurting. This lasted for two days even after the retreat. I was so miserable again... and yes... as you might have guessed.. the disicplining of emotions, and replacing it with gratitude.. "God thank you that I can get through this physical misery. Thank you ...etc." And not surprisingly, it didn't bother me that much. In addition, last night while driving to the Music Box with enoch, he prayed for healing and 98% percent of the pain left! How wonderful our God is.
POINT OF THESE FORTUNATE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS:
The mind is indeed a battlefield. We have the ability to use any situation to praise God and endure the hardship as disicpline or to complain and live in misery for the entitlement that we aren't reciving. It's really astonishing how much a person can endure once they choose to change their perspective. And it's all about choice. The choice to be thankful!
God is a crazy teacher of sorts. He has been teaching me disicpline for the past few months, but these recent happenings have been a "boot camp experience. Thank you Jesus. You are freaking awesome and you love love love love me so much. yay!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Hark for Ages, Be Courageous
It's 5:00am and I am in need of sleep. Sleep deprivation makes for a very irritable morning. Laying down my head at midnight, I was kidding myself when I thought sleep would easily come upon me. So after two hours of unsettling thoughts keeping me from my well deserved rest, I decided for productivity instead. Finished cleaning up the room, organizing some materials for tomorrow, contemplating if I should log onto Facebook (okay, that's not productive, and I did cave), reading, rationalizing certain thoughts...
On that note. When does performance outweigh character? I find it very morbidly fascinating to see those who have the amazing ability to influence, to lead, to shape the nature of human's frail minds into courage, lead dual lives. Of course, people are not without sin; we all fall short. But when there is such a stark contrast between loving the stranger and loving the close ones.. it boggles my mind. Could I argue that loving the stranger is actually easier at times? The stranger is not aware of the lover's shortcomings...yet. And when the stranger becomes close enough to be a close one, they are no longer recognized as deserving the love that a stranger deserves. I have observed those with charisma, talent, even spiritual gifts, overlook the aspect of personal moral character, thinking that their service to mankind suffices. Obedience is better than sacrifice, and rebellion is like sorcery says the Word. I believe God delights in a person listening and obeying His directions more than what we can offer. To offer our own ideas of sacrifice is in essence prideful and a perversion of truth. His ways are much higher than our ways, and the results of our actions has consequences. In comparison, I find it exceptionally laudable when meeting those who challenge themselves transparently. Even if their vices are gruesomely honest before a critical public, it is honest. And when they expose their vulnerability, it is then that healing takes place. Others, who may be struggling are also surprised to find that they aren't fighting it alone.
This sounds harsh, and maybe it is. But truth was never suppose to feed into the lies of entitlement. I am not entitled to live a double life, and maybe that is why often times I feel very alone in being this way. Often I feel a bit frightful exposing myself so much via blogging. But, it keeps me level-headed and gives an opportunity for what reality means to me. I am full of shortcomings. I am fearful of things. I am lost in thoughts many a times.
But this is who I am and I refuse to not deal with areas in my life that bring pain to myself and to others.
And when I meet people who understand this (even attempts at it), I want to take their hand, shake it,
and say "teach me".
On that note. When does performance outweigh character? I find it very morbidly fascinating to see those who have the amazing ability to influence, to lead, to shape the nature of human's frail minds into courage, lead dual lives. Of course, people are not without sin; we all fall short. But when there is such a stark contrast between loving the stranger and loving the close ones.. it boggles my mind. Could I argue that loving the stranger is actually easier at times? The stranger is not aware of the lover's shortcomings...yet. And when the stranger becomes close enough to be a close one, they are no longer recognized as deserving the love that a stranger deserves. I have observed those with charisma, talent, even spiritual gifts, overlook the aspect of personal moral character, thinking that their service to mankind suffices. Obedience is better than sacrifice, and rebellion is like sorcery says the Word. I believe God delights in a person listening and obeying His directions more than what we can offer. To offer our own ideas of sacrifice is in essence prideful and a perversion of truth. His ways are much higher than our ways, and the results of our actions has consequences. In comparison, I find it exceptionally laudable when meeting those who challenge themselves transparently. Even if their vices are gruesomely honest before a critical public, it is honest. And when they expose their vulnerability, it is then that healing takes place. Others, who may be struggling are also surprised to find that they aren't fighting it alone.
This sounds harsh, and maybe it is. But truth was never suppose to feed into the lies of entitlement. I am not entitled to live a double life, and maybe that is why often times I feel very alone in being this way. Often I feel a bit frightful exposing myself so much via blogging. But, it keeps me level-headed and gives an opportunity for what reality means to me. I am full of shortcomings. I am fearful of things. I am lost in thoughts many a times.
But this is who I am and I refuse to not deal with areas in my life that bring pain to myself and to others.
And when I meet people who understand this (even attempts at it), I want to take their hand, shake it,
and say "teach me".
Friday, January 2, 2009
A Wayward Heart Comes Home
What can I say but be stilled by the grace God has shown me. For the past few days, I've attended the Jesus Generation Conference held by Blessed church. Various speakers spoke so much truth into my life. Prayer warriors at the bottom of the stage prayed for me extensively, prophesied many convicting words of knowledge and of the future. I was left in tears of repentance knowing that God was and still by my side all this time.
I don't know exactly what it is, but I am for certain that 2009 is going to be a very life changing year. Aside from the fact that I will be a salaried teacher by fall, there is a air of freshness equipping me for new beginnings and greater expectations. After being prayed for (I was like Jacob, wrestling for God's blessings and healing until I got it, haha) I felt so free, so liberated from all the months of mental turmoil I was enduring. Many of you know from my emotional instabilities (even more so than usual) I was going through a very dark period of my life. Every morning a new breed of negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and sharp stings pervaded my mind. Questions of "how" or "why" bothered any sanity I held onto. It was obessessive compulsicve thinking to say the least. But by the end of the week, the power of the Holy Spirit took over this crippled mind and challenged it to faith. I was so blind to the truth of God's love and soveringty. I was being oppressed extensively and didn't even know it. God kept telling me that "times of refreshing are soon to come". I was waiting and waiting and waiting... night after night after night after night. Le mes.
When you're living in a life of compromise (in the sense of rebellion, not out of ignorance), you are asking to be enslaved to confusion and dissatisfaction. As for me, I still didn't realized the depth of bitterness I held onto inside. Even reading the bible, often words will be read through the lens of a person's heart. That is why it is crucial to come empty and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when reading the scripture. The other night I was reading "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love" (John 15:10). I was more annoyed than encouraged. I analyzed this verse and thought "So, okay God, then your love is conditional, since I have to do things for you."
But, the heart is truly deceptive... My heart, at that time was filled with anger towards God. I did not "feel" His love. I did not want to acknowledge that He cared for me. And what it came down to was my own selfishness. If you truly think about it, if I profess to have faith in God, then why do I grumble when I don't get what I want? Lack of faith = faith in myself.
During the conference, people prayed certain words "give her a new heart" "God is giving you heart surgery" "Give her joy, take the pain away" "Help her to know that You are good" "Heal the pain in her heart" and more. I didn't tell any of these people what was going on in my life, and I don't believe I made any dramatic gestures during the prayer to give them clues as to what was going on. But time and time again, it always came down to the renewing of my heart. Finally, balling broken and unashamed, I told God how sorry I was for my lack of faith in Him.
Then, liberation.
It's interesting when I looked at the verse in John after the conference. I scribbled the prior mentioned markings on the margins of my bible. Next to it, I wrote "No, the reason why you obey God is because His directions are coming from a place of Love, not vice versa". It made complete sense to me. Without having a relationship based on love, you cannot trust. And without trust, there is no faith, since trust is faith. So, having no faith in God, basically meant, I wasn't living in His love, but doing whatever I pleased (and who am I to know what's best for me right? haha).
There are tons of other God moments, I'll write them up later. But for now,
I am soooo freee and happpppyyyyy!
God you are so good.
Jesus' blood never fails.
I don't know exactly what it is, but I am for certain that 2009 is going to be a very life changing year. Aside from the fact that I will be a salaried teacher by fall, there is a air of freshness equipping me for new beginnings and greater expectations. After being prayed for (I was like Jacob, wrestling for God's blessings and healing until I got it, haha) I felt so free, so liberated from all the months of mental turmoil I was enduring. Many of you know from my emotional instabilities (even more so than usual) I was going through a very dark period of my life. Every morning a new breed of negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and sharp stings pervaded my mind. Questions of "how" or "why" bothered any sanity I held onto. It was obessessive compulsicve thinking to say the least. But by the end of the week, the power of the Holy Spirit took over this crippled mind and challenged it to faith. I was so blind to the truth of God's love and soveringty. I was being oppressed extensively and didn't even know it. God kept telling me that "times of refreshing are soon to come". I was waiting and waiting and waiting... night after night after night after night. Le mes.
When you're living in a life of compromise (in the sense of rebellion, not out of ignorance), you are asking to be enslaved to confusion and dissatisfaction. As for me, I still didn't realized the depth of bitterness I held onto inside. Even reading the bible, often words will be read through the lens of a person's heart. That is why it is crucial to come empty and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when reading the scripture. The other night I was reading "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love" (John 15:10). I was more annoyed than encouraged. I analyzed this verse and thought "So, okay God, then your love is conditional, since I have to do things for you."
But, the heart is truly deceptive... My heart, at that time was filled with anger towards God. I did not "feel" His love. I did not want to acknowledge that He cared for me. And what it came down to was my own selfishness. If you truly think about it, if I profess to have faith in God, then why do I grumble when I don't get what I want? Lack of faith = faith in myself.
During the conference, people prayed certain words "give her a new heart" "God is giving you heart surgery" "Give her joy, take the pain away" "Help her to know that You are good" "Heal the pain in her heart" and more. I didn't tell any of these people what was going on in my life, and I don't believe I made any dramatic gestures during the prayer to give them clues as to what was going on. But time and time again, it always came down to the renewing of my heart. Finally, balling broken and unashamed, I told God how sorry I was for my lack of faith in Him.
Then, liberation.
It's interesting when I looked at the verse in John after the conference. I scribbled the prior mentioned markings on the margins of my bible. Next to it, I wrote "No, the reason why you obey God is because His directions are coming from a place of Love, not vice versa". It made complete sense to me. Without having a relationship based on love, you cannot trust. And without trust, there is no faith, since trust is faith. So, having no faith in God, basically meant, I wasn't living in His love, but doing whatever I pleased (and who am I to know what's best for me right? haha).
There are tons of other God moments, I'll write them up later. But for now,
I am soooo freee and happpppyyyyy!
God you are so good.
Jesus' blood never fails.
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