Walking Liberated

Almost everyday I find myself battling this anxiety within. I realized recently, that I'm am more of a controlling perfectionist than I would admit, and always am striving to be the best at anything and everything. And when I finally come to a point of exhaustion, confusion, and wondering why I feel this was, a gentle nudging from my God reminds me to be at peace. I'm reminded that I will never be the best, never be the most creative / talented / smartest / powerful / influential / prettiest / funniest / wittiest / __________ in this lifetime. And God is teaching me to "let go" of all that gets in the way of proclaiming his goodness for my life. All these attributes, when it comes down to it, springs from insecurity, jealously, and a lust for the things of this world. It's brilliant how Jesus knew this. He reminds us to "take up the cross and follow me". What seems like pain and persecution is only a bridge way to seeing God work through the circumstances. That is true freedom. There is healing for the brokenhearted, hope for the hungry, the confused, the depressed. John knew this:

15 Don't love the world and what it offers. Those who love the world don't have the Father's love in them. 16 Not everything that the world offers-physical gratification, greed, and extravagant lifestyles-comes from the Father. It comes from the world, and 17 the world and its evil desires are passing away. But the person who does what God wants lives forever. (1 John 2:16).

I'll admit. Conflict arises in my mind. I attend an institution that spews out humanistic / post modern / relative ideologies. I am tempted to compromise my beliefs because what others say seem to make sense or I don't want to offend opinions. It's not easy being in a relationship with a person (Jesus) and people hating your lover. I speak about Jesus because I know He loves me and I love Him. I speak about Him because He rescued me from so much torment, how can I not share my experience? But at times, I am conflicted. I feel very alone in my views, in my passion for Him. Then, come the moments where God shows me up. He shows me how one verse in His word is truth again.

At school, I learn about great educators, and what types of theories work. Funny enough, great educational reformers like Paulo Freire made the conclusion that it is through the characteristics of humility and love that determine the outcome of true educational transformation. I read this stuff and think, "Wow... this is a simple biblical truth." Because of this, I can't help but to feel a bit impatient with what we learn in class. The life instructions the bible offers are effective (I wouldn't be saying this if it hadn't work in my life, or others). It is tiresome when I sit in class with 3 hours of overstatements on how this technique or that strategy will or will not work.

Another example, I'm writing a paper on "deficit thinking". Now, deficit thinking is basically how a situation or condition is perceived negatively. For instance, I can walk into a room in Tibet and think "Oh my, dirt floors how sad." But to Tibetians, it isn't sad, it's normal. Under deficit thinking, there is deficit speaking. If a teacher constantly tells a student, "this is too hard for you," or "you are dumb," deficit speaking says that you have just spoken a self-fulfilling prophecy. The child will inevitably end up "dumb" or struggling with the "hard" assignments. The researchers of this deficit thinking theory have done testing after testing and found the theory to be pretty solid.

Now how does this all tie in with the bible? The bible is covered with verses about how you should watch what you say. You can bless and curse people just by the faith in the words you speak. And what you say has power. It's so simple; it boggles my mind when simple biblical truths are secularized, intellectualized, studied and concluded with evidence of its existence. And when you mention how the bible speaks of these same truths, it's disregarded, since faith is foolishness to the educated.


Although because of all shaz, class bores me to death, I must rid aside my own "deficit" thinking, and learn to be thankful. I am thankful for the opportunity to be attending UCLA. I am thankful that one day God will use me to impact lives. I am thankful that I am being challenged in my beliefs, and God keeps showing me how He is still the TRUTH. I think 2008 has been the loneliest and most painful year of my life. I'm still in a desert time with God, but 2009 is going to be different. It is definitely going to be a significant and life-altering, I can feel it coming and am excited to see what's in stored.


Yay!

Passion Church is a Loving Church

So recently, God has been convicting me about illegal software. I have about $3000.00 worth of illegal software in my new Mac. Yoochul asked me if one sin was different from another the other week, and I was truly convicted. I tried to fight it. I needed the software, I need to be making movies, etc. But do the ends justify the means? In this case, no.

I didn't know what to do. I told God that I'm struggling financially. I'm down to about $500.00 for the rest of November and December. Getting new software wasn't going to help the financial problems go away. But God wants obedience not sacrifice, so I proceeded to obey.

Then today i spoke with Brian Kho with passion church asking if he got in touch with his friend who worked at the computer section at UCLA. I wanted to see if there were any discounts available. He then replied, "Bonnie, Passion church bought the CS4 package you needed. I'll meet you sometime tomorrow to give it to you."

Speechless.

These guys were the same students who donated $100.00 to help me purchase my Macbook.

Why do you guys show so much of God's love?

This is grace.

the good fight

Left with the ashes
that are remains
of memories once treasured
each day suffering
a new battle
of loneliness
of misunderstood
communication errors
calling out
My God, where are you?
God, I need you so much right now!
Every person
that was once a treasure
inside the crevices of my heart
has left a void
and a heart punctured with
holes of every size
My God, where are you?
I need you so much right now!
why go on? why fight this good fight?
do i need more than i have?
isn't His grace enough for me?
I say yes, but the sharp stab inside says no
a battle within
everyday
i want
to
fight the good fight.
and go home.

DeFiNiCion NEW SHIRTS

New Shirts:


Check Em Outs!

Art and Deeper

i wonder if it's too much to ask to be surrounded by more fashionista/os, photogs, music junkies and the ecetera. i feel silly dressing up for school sometimes (grad school!). i'm labeled as emo if i passionately enjoy and analyze what students are wearing, or when i look at a photograph and say, "yes, that's it."
something about being in a pool of passionate people strikes me. it lets me live another day. i don't mean to be so dramatic, but that's who i am. i like seeing you, for who you are, not for all that you are hiding behind. you're a tree, and im ready to get beyond your shallow leaves, i dig. that's who i am. and i don't want to be this way at times, it often isolates me for people are a peculiar bunch. they fear what they long for the most, to be real and be. but they raise up their fists, branches and all, waving to themselves to push against the momentarily drafts of purposelessness. im not inclined to tell anyone that i got it all figured out, nope i'm even worse, dealing with insecurities that many do not know of. but what i do know, and have gotten figured out, this life is short, why waste it with superficial jargon? yea, maybe art itself is a shallow distraction also, but it leads to deeper meanings. how can art in essence be superficial without insulting the piece itself? if it is insult, it rightly deserves its pain. it's only is a piece of crap, it deserves to be insulted.

harsh? i suppose. but superficiality is insulting. we all are, and we all insult one another with it. only because we're scared.


until we know we are loved
and is in love.

by one who isn't swayed by the weak structures of this place
we call life.