Thursday, February 24, 2011


I haven't felt the Lord for about 3 weeks now. I read the bible, I spend time worshipping in music, in FnF work, in whatever and yet I can't feel Him.

I've felt abandoned, frustrated, confused and everything else that a betrayed lover would feel.

Today I prayed and I came to realize something. Sometimes He's got to silence up a bit for me to not play games.
I've taken His grace for granted, made up excuses about my habits, and delayed those promises I've made, that someday I will create art for Him.

And a few hours ago, while in another frustrated prayer session, I think I heard Him speak:

"I've taken away the feelings so you can pour out into your gifts. Worship me through the talents I've entrusted to you."

God is indeed a genius.

Yes sir, will do. I will pour out all my passions to You, create pieces that speak of your glory and shake the confines of mediocrity.

It's time.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year

Hold all the compulsions that want to slam against a wall. Decorations,
Hitting the wall, dead and cold. There is no way out for the moment.
Don't want to sew up each ripped seam of hopeful lies.
Faith. Lies. Doubt. Faith. Anger. Pain. Faith. Confusion.
He is closest to the spiritually impoverished. Those who the world looks upon with
disdain or with admiration.They are equally fleeting and painful.

It will be okay in a few days, weeks, months, maybe years.
I am still thankful for what I do have, the remains are an abundance
to some. Happy New Year. Tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Isolated Utterances

Voices -Melody Gardot, Cassandra Wilson and the great Ella. Not alone in the feeling of lonesomeness, great voices, greater desperation lulls in the evening, silkening the crisp atmosphere. Coping with soothing blue notes, when all things frivilous
are surely prone to distract- her isolation was encased within her own complexities.
Picking up a book, the edges tattered and cover stained with coffee rings, her fragile fingers grazed over
the tired leather. Engravings of holy colors, the book was still ready for use, as its purpose would be null
if left tucked away.
Luke 22:39-46

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation. He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.“Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”

"Fall into temptation," she thought for a moment. These men, who professed to go to the grave for Jesus, fell asleep from sorrow. Yet the man who led them from the beginning would continue, not withholding his promise to love.

"Get up and pray. So you will not fall into temptation."
And with this reminder, she walked over to the corner of the room and knelt to share in honest conversations.

The room was now warm, with only the breeze envying through window panes.

Monday, November 22, 2010

No Clown Trash... behavior that is.

Nearly 3:00am and not sleeping shouldn't be good for the body. Nevertheless, here I go with my mind
jumbles for the day.

Despite pretentiousness or lying, what I loathe the most, I will have to encounter everywhere only because it's a part of human nature. It's like driving around during a sunny day only to find out there's a storm right when you step out of your car. I'm sure I've done it here and there, so leaving the plank in my eye, I'll continue to unravel the frustrations associated with...passive aggression.

This post in of itself is in no way an attempt of passively, aggressively sharing my thoughts, however it may seem so initially.
I'm pretty much an active aggressive person if anything. Ask Jonathan.

One of my old bosses was passive aggressive. I would come into work, realize at some point I didn't know how to fill out that application form for our partner company, or write up reviews on each client's case in the way I was supposed to. Every time I went into her office, she would be on the phone, or in a frantic voice tell me that she was working on "a very important grant/document/paper" and will attend to me later. Which of course never happened. Then when I would finish the day's work and leave the papers on her desk for her to review. She would say she'd look over them. Which of course never happened.

When finally I confronted her about my confusion as to what I was supposed to do. She would reply with "why didn't you ask me?"


That was incredibly annoying and I decided to just keep working hard at what it was I was supposed to be doing/have done.
From that initial confrontation (active aggressive gesture), she would shower me with compliments, then moments later with a crooked half mile, and a full look of anxiety would come upon her face. She'd let me know nicely (but you know, nicely with concern) this or that doesn't look good. If I then replied with more questions because I did not know exactly what she wanted me to change/do, she would then tell me she was busy and will attend to me later. Which again, never happened.

It's either you tell me what I need to improve on, or tell me I suck at what I'm doing and fire me. Please don't do this nonsensical back and forth game. Goodness. The most amusing part of all this was that during the initial job interview she would tell me to not be a typical asian and show passive aggression if there came a problem. Wow.

Now moving on to my thoughts as of late.
Perhaps it's God's way of trying to teach me patience, or to teach me to not be what I don't want to be...
Whatever it may be, it's a trying process.

How do I address an issue without breaking the spirit of a person? And if I do break the spirit of a person because I am not one to play these ridiculous passive aggressive games and would rather tell people in truth what is going on... is it really up to me how they take it? How do I "rebuke" in love, when I think the way I'm sharing is "loving." And if there are others who have the very same conclusion or concerns yet the person being confronted is unwilling or not realizing the gravity of the problems, what am I to do?

I ask these questions to myself, because I am completely conflicted with our American standards of ethical treatment for peers, for workplaces and such. In America, we are told that truth is relative, and each person has their own moral gauge. If this is true, then if I say "Hey Mr. Snootypoots you're being a bit snooty and it's causing everyone else to be more snooty. I think it's best if you stop that snootiness here," am I in the wrong? What if Mr. Snootypoots responds with "Hey, I don't think I did anything wrong, actually, it's your fault that you think the way you do." How is anything supposed to change if this is the case? This entitlement mentality of gen xyz is troubling me.

I used to always admire the professors who would mark up my papers in red and tell me in class that I didn't know it all. Initially, the burn of humiliation would make me want to run away and hide. But after time, I grew to appreciate their brutal honesty and ability to put me in my place. They were my teachers, and I was their student.That was that. Now, students treat teachers like trash. Kids treat parents like trash. It's all trash. No Clown Trash please!

I'm sure I'll get better at this. In time.
For now... got to admit...can be tiresome for the mind.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It rains when you're not

can't tell in words, break break when meeting the air
calm me down sip of wine nostalgia affairs
nikon freeze freezing moments yeahhhhhh that's what they are
across your twilight eyes rushing boulevards
running in heels blurry cars

oh you waited and im running
much apologies it's not what you wanted
look what you started
will you finish?

let me stop stop stop stop stop running
im getting tired
what now
will you finish?

for the easy, it comes and goes
for the difficult it comes to show
will you finish?
will you finish?
is it finished?

It rains when you're not

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Let it Rain

encapsulate dark hues,
mary jane blues, slowing it down
glistening windows, dew dropped reflections
images reveal itself upon
serious eyes.

could this be what they call
a deep sleep. an unsound sleep.
bury the seed in the ground, all the
way covered in muddy footsteps. smashed
against the muddy dirt and ridged feet
of strangers friends loved ones enemies.
till you become nothing more than dust.

cellophane crinkles, face preservation
from time clocked wrinkles. don't touch
or else it'll break. globs of liquid money
on the face. keeping it fresh and dewy
just like the rain. not like the dirt laden

let the seed die. let it die
dont fight and let it die.
the truth reveals itself in the end.
summer will bring its glory.

Friday, September 3, 2010

The day my heart died.

Just thinking about the way you died kills me inside.
I'm so sorry Snowflake. I didn't mean to. I didn't know it would
happen like this. I only wanted to rescue you. You had fleas, and was about
to die. I took you in, and I'm sorry you had to die like that. I didn't
know it would be that way. I waited so long to catch you, and God let me catch you.
But I didn't know it would end like this. I'm sorry Snowflake, I'm really so sorry.
You were such a good rabbit. You were calm and gentle, and never fought back.
And I wish you would have fought Lucky back harder. But Lucky was too strong, I
know. I wish my mom didn't have to clean the room like that and leave you outside.
I wish I bough a cage for you so you didn't have to be chased around and killed.
I should have bought a cage right away instead of waiting. I didn't have the
money at that time Snowflake. I'm so sorry. I didn't have the money, and couldn't
get a cage for you. I wish you didn't have to die like that. I wish I had a job
so I could have bought you a cage. Or I wish I was out there when Lucky broke
her chain so I could have rescued you. I want you to know that I loved you very
much. I would have gladly been attacked by Lucky in your place. I really would have.
I'm sorry Snowflake. I miss you so much. I wish you were alive. I'm sorry Snowflake.
I'm sorry. :********( I want you back Snowflake. Please come back.