A Series of Fortunate Unfortunate Events

Perspective determines everything. What is this "everything" I speak of? Well, basically, what the word entails. All that encompasses life, meaning, effort, blah! I had a dream the other night. Someone told me in the dream "An angel of the Lord was sent to you to bother you". This was after all the series of unfornate occurnaces in my recent life.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 1:

I was studying at Covel's study area @ UCLA. I left my blackberry phone. And left the premise (since they close at 2am). I realized this grave mistake, went back, was told they locked up the place, wanted to smack the worker girl for her lack of care for my precious organizer of my life that was left alone in that cold and unwelcoming room. After revisiting Covel trice, calling four times, the realization set in that I wasn't going to get my precious phone back. Feeling very anxious and discombobulated, I wondered what was I do to... pray... I prayed that I would get it back. But I didn't. So I wondered what the point of this situation was. Strangly enough, I was challeneged to choose a different perspective. I started thanking God for the freedom of not having emails / texts / calls / aims / bbchatmessages /facebook status distractions running my life. And for a week, I did not have a phone, and I felt so free. IN addition, I did get a new phone for free, from my dad. He surprised me with a sidekick (oh how sidekicks will never depart from me) and we ate dinner for the first time together in downtown a few days ago. I love the sidekick. It suits me so much better than a blackberry. God is amazing. He knows best.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 2:

The next day, I went back to Covel (why, I dont know), and ate some soup. A few hours later, I woke up at 2am making myself friendly with the toilet. I was blowing my nose and there was blood. hmm okay. Food poisoned and miserable, I thought to myself "woe's me, this dreadful occurance." I went back to sleep, and woke up at 7am feeling like acid was bubbling in my tummy. Deciding to head for the emergency room (yea, it was bad enough). Driving on Pico bld nauseated and miserable, I pulled over and threw up along the road. ugh. So miserable. Then as I headed back to UCLA's hospital, another thought challeneged me. "How can you change your perspective in this situaiton?" WIth that, praises came out of my mouth even thought I didnt "feel" like saying them. "Thank you God for a car to go to the ER with. Thank you God for the hospital that I can go to" etc. It was oddly enough..very refreshing. Upon entering the hospital, they put an iv into me, pumped some fluids and drugs. And I was okay after a few hours.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 3:

After that day, I was planning the meals for the CSC retreat, thinking to leave right away to the grocery store (since I had to carpool within 2 hours)... when I recieve a call from the UPS man outside who wanted me to open up the gate. He had a package for MY NEIGHBOR but decided to call my apt instead since he couldn't get a hold of her. So, still talking with him on the phone, I walk out take the package, drop it off at my neighbor's door and come back to the closed door of my LOCKED apt. I didn't have anyone's number (phone got stolen), and didn't remember anyone's number. So... after being pretty pissed... again... an opportunity to change my thoughts! So, looking at the sun, I started with "It's such a beautiful day today. God thank you that it is a beautiful day, and everything is under control." I'm not going to lie, it was still very annoying. I have people waiting for me (carpool) and I didn't even start shopping for the food. I walk to my neighbor's apt (the one where I left the package at the door) and knocked. She let me in, let me use her internet, I got a hold of my roommate and called her. SHe was in Corona and wasn't going to be back until after the weekend. Great. So I call the manager and they came later...BUT the point was... I met my neighbor and she surfs. and does computer website programming, and snowboards, and GAH! She is amazing! I ended up being extremely happy that I got locked out so I met this wonderful new friend! I might ask her to design the Freedom and Fashion website! We'll seee. For now, we're going to be surfing together. yay!


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 4:

The CSC retreat was amazing. The beach house was posh, and we had breakfast facing the ocean waves everyday. We did devos in the sand. Le sigh. Everything was going amazing, until I slept wrong and cramped my neck. I couldn't move it to the right. It was so bothersome that my head started hurting. This lasted for two days even after the retreat. I was so miserable again... and yes... as you might have guessed.. the disicplining of emotions, and replacing it with gratitude.. "God thank you that I can get through this physical misery. Thank you ...etc." And not surprisingly, it didn't bother me that much. In addition, last night while driving to the Music Box with enoch, he prayed for healing and 98% percent of the pain left! How wonderful our God is.


POINT OF THESE FORTUNATE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS:

The mind is indeed a battlefield. We have the ability to use any situation to praise God and endure the hardship as disicpline or to complain and live in misery for the entitlement that we aren't reciving. It's really astonishing how much a person can endure once they choose to change their perspective. And it's all about choice. The choice to be thankful!

God is a crazy teacher of sorts. He has been teaching me disicpline for the past few months, but these recent happenings have been a "boot camp experience. Thank you Jesus. You are freaking awesome and you love love love love me so much. yay!

Discipline and Love

What has God been doing in my life as of recent... hmm. Let's see here.
"Waiting" and having "patience" has been a recurring theme for several weeks now. The more I struggle in life, the more I realize much about who I am; character flaws that were once unknowingly pushed under the rug are now screaming at me. I am very impatient (not a surprise to many of you). I don't know how to enjoy life without making it a task. I am extremely task-orientated, but also reliant on emotions (which is in essence a contradictory trait to being task-orientated). I am very unforgiving of myself when I fail, and don't know how to be okay in doing nothing. I've realized I picked up these character habits from those who were once close to me, or is close to me, and made them my own. I realized I'm always fighting against God when it comes to my calling-- teaching. I know, at least for this season in my life, I am to eat breathe live to teach. I know being a fashion designer will be exciting in it's initial beginnings, but will inevitably grind me into nothingness as I recognize the machine that controls it. I know once I see the eyes of impoverished youth sparkle with opportunities they've never known, I will say "This is worth it".

Why is God so simple and complex? Why am I so complex? Why does He continuously pursue me and "discipline those He loves". I hate to be disciplined. Who likes it right? I was reading the other day, "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11

So, all these character flaws... being uprooted... through discipline.
A painful process indeed, but I feel so much more free! and happy!
His cup is starting to overflow, or maybe it always has been overflowing and I was just unaware of it.

Man, 2009 is going to be great. I know it!

Paradigm

Everybody loves a rose
Will you be thankful for the thorns?
Love is easy when you're loved
Do you curse another when you're alone?

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

You say live and let live
But people are dying everyday
You say what I don't know wont hurt me
But if what I do not know
Is the very thing I need
Then I say....

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Humanity sees truth through shattered window panes
That blocks the view, and plants the seed
So we draw the curtains to a close but I say
That the sun can still shine
behind a closed mind
And sticks and stones do hurt
When tossed from the tongue of mankind

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Paradigm...
Paradigm is shifting, is shifting... away, away...

Walking Liberated

Almost everyday I find myself battling this anxiety within. I realized recently, that I'm am more of a controlling perfectionist than I would admit, and always am striving to be the best at anything and everything. And when I finally come to a point of exhaustion, confusion, and wondering why I feel this was, a gentle nudging from my God reminds me to be at peace. I'm reminded that I will never be the best, never be the most creative / talented / smartest / powerful / influential / prettiest / funniest / wittiest / __________ in this lifetime. And God is teaching me to "let go" of all that gets in the way of proclaiming his goodness for my life. All these attributes, when it comes down to it, springs from insecurity, jealously, and a lust for the things of this world. It's brilliant how Jesus knew this. He reminds us to "take up the cross and follow me". What seems like pain and persecution is only a bridge way to seeing God work through the circumstances. That is true freedom. There is healing for the brokenhearted, hope for the hungry, the confused, the depressed. John knew this:

15 Don't love the world and what it offers. Those who love the world don't have the Father's love in them. 16 Not everything that the world offers-physical gratification, greed, and extravagant lifestyles-comes from the Father. It comes from the world, and 17 the world and its evil desires are passing away. But the person who does what God wants lives forever. (1 John 2:16).

I'll admit. Conflict arises in my mind. I attend an institution that spews out humanistic / post modern / relative ideologies. I am tempted to compromise my beliefs because what others say seem to make sense or I don't want to offend opinions. It's not easy being in a relationship with a person (Jesus) and people hating your lover. I speak about Jesus because I know He loves me and I love Him. I speak about Him because He rescued me from so much torment, how can I not share my experience? But at times, I am conflicted. I feel very alone in my views, in my passion for Him. Then, come the moments where God shows me up. He shows me how one verse in His word is truth again.

At school, I learn about great educators, and what types of theories work. Funny enough, great educational reformers like Paulo Freire made the conclusion that it is through the characteristics of humility and love that determine the outcome of true educational transformation. I read this stuff and think, "Wow... this is a simple biblical truth." Because of this, I can't help but to feel a bit impatient with what we learn in class. The life instructions the bible offers are effective (I wouldn't be saying this if it hadn't work in my life, or others). It is tiresome when I sit in class with 3 hours of overstatements on how this technique or that strategy will or will not work.

Another example, I'm writing a paper on "deficit thinking". Now, deficit thinking is basically how a situation or condition is perceived negatively. For instance, I can walk into a room in Tibet and think "Oh my, dirt floors how sad." But to Tibetians, it isn't sad, it's normal. Under deficit thinking, there is deficit speaking. If a teacher constantly tells a student, "this is too hard for you," or "you are dumb," deficit speaking says that you have just spoken a self-fulfilling prophecy. The child will inevitably end up "dumb" or struggling with the "hard" assignments. The researchers of this deficit thinking theory have done testing after testing and found the theory to be pretty solid.

Now how does this all tie in with the bible? The bible is covered with verses about how you should watch what you say. You can bless and curse people just by the faith in the words you speak. And what you say has power. It's so simple; it boggles my mind when simple biblical truths are secularized, intellectualized, studied and concluded with evidence of its existence. And when you mention how the bible speaks of these same truths, it's disregarded, since faith is foolishness to the educated.


Although because of all shaz, class bores me to death, I must rid aside my own "deficit" thinking, and learn to be thankful. I am thankful for the opportunity to be attending UCLA. I am thankful that one day God will use me to impact lives. I am thankful that I am being challenged in my beliefs, and God keeps showing me how He is still the TRUTH. I think 2008 has been the loneliest and most painful year of my life. I'm still in a desert time with God, but 2009 is going to be different. It is definitely going to be a significant and life-altering, I can feel it coming and am excited to see what's in stored.


Yay!

the good fight

Left with the ashes
that are remains
of memories once treasured
each day suffering
a new battle
of loneliness
of misunderstood
communication errors
calling out
My God, where are you?
God, I need you so much right now!
Every person
that was once a treasure
inside the crevices of my heart
has left a void
and a heart punctured with
holes of every size
My God, where are you?
I need you so much right now!
why go on? why fight this good fight?
do i need more than i have?
isn't His grace enough for me?
I say yes, but the sharp stab inside says no
a battle within
everyday
i want
to
fight the good fight.
and go home.

GO WATCH "CALL+RESPONSE" THE MOVIE

Tonight is about turning a movie into a movement. Thousands of people are seeing CALL+RESPONSE as we speak. This means tens of thousands of dollars are going directly to field projects that combat slavery at every level.

We have jumped so many hurdles to get to where we are. While many Producers can breath a sigh of relief on opening night, that's not the story here. We're not out of the woods yet. While many shows are selling out right and left, there are many shows that don't event have one ticket sold yet. I need you to show your commitment and buy a few tickets if you haven't already. This is the only way we are going to be able to expand into other markets in the weeks to come.

If you have already seen CALL+RESPONSE, I hope you want to let everybody in your city know about it. Check out the new city posters we have online: www.callandresponse.com

If you were not able to catch the CALL+RESPONSE special on Dr. Phil today, it really is a must-see. Dr. Phil Clips on C+R

Freedom is up to you. Be The Response.

Justin Dillon
Director/Producer

Ten Days

"Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~ Isaiah 30:20-21, NIV


Today I awoke to crying. These past few days have been tumultuous to say the least. Speaking to a friend yesterday, she told me to wait 10 days and I'll see times of refreshing come soon enough. Interestingly, I start school exactly 10 days from today. I don't know what to expect. So many changes will take place. I don't want to let go of my familiar surroundings even if it is choking me to death! I spent time talking to another good friend at the block yesternight until 4am. It's amazing how God reveals that His love is there, faithfully. Only God's love is ever so faithful and constant. Every time I invest too much in creation to fulfill my longing to be loved is when I come across disastrous moments.

You know when you sing songs at church about obedience. "Ill obey and serve you...I surrender all... Empty me". Well, never have I expected what the cost would be. When Jesus says lay down your life, He meant it. And again and again, I'm learning to adjust to changes, for He gives and takes away.

I never wanted to, in my fleshly desire, make ultimatums in various decisions. I knew it was the most loving thing, for God was directly me in such a way. The only sucky part is that all those who are affected by my decision don't understand that it stemmed from a deeper love. Perhaps I didn't communicate it properly. Regardless, what's done is done, and all I can do now is let go of the past, and embrace the new awakenings of tomorrow.

Truth Reveals Itself in the End

A rude awakening it was. After considerable attempts to prove oneself right, only truth will reveal itself in the end. And, of course, I was dead on. Some part of me tried to hinge onto any opportunity that was to insure a positive response in the future, yet today marked the day where I let the doors fall and leave it be. It remains heavy, an eyesore to most, but that is the current condition of emotion. It will find itself again on a different, more suitable frame.

How fickle is the heart. Clearly, one who fears the Lord desires to keep attentive to the deceptions of the organ. The heart is most deceitful says the word. And feelings are the ghastly product. People will argue with me, and might say my criticisms are too harsh, but who can ever argue against truth? Time passes, people sin, their sins inadvertently hurt others, and it's a continuous horrid cycle. Unless.....

the heart is captivated by a higher force, a Being who knows the inner workings of man, only because he created him. And then... then will a man become humane.

Libre!

Times of refreshing... it here yet? I can't say it has been easy for the past several months. I've never felt so alone, so betrayed, so disappointed, so confused and even at a point, suicidal. Yes, typical drama queen. Nonetheless, I told God my frustrations, even my anger towards Him. I didn't understand the verse in James when Job's perseverance cause him to be rewarded in the end. My reading of Job shows a man who inevitably complained to God after periods of suffering wore down his soul. But what I do extract from the verse is this: Job complained TO God. Just like King David, these figures were real and honest with God. They communicated their confusion, pain, and anger. They didn't hide their sorrow or irritations at various points of trial.

So today, I told God how angry I was. A part of me felt incredibly frightened, knowing that He could destroy me in an instant. However, I wanted to be honest, just like Job and David were. I guess this is where He is growing my patience and trust in Him. I appreciate quick guaranteed returns for obedience and honestly hate waiting for the next season in life. The Lord kept reminding me to "keep fighting the battle" because the joys and blessings will come sooner than I think. I don't know what to make of this, but... to wait?

It's coming soon.

Take out all the thorns in my feet and in my heart
Restore me to the purest state
so I can see you clearly again.


Keep me in prayer. Please.

A Life not Wasted

So today I felt pretty dejected. For several years, I felt convicted that investing into people was more crucial in life than serving my own artistic needs. Various times, I rationalized between how my time could be managed between self-pleasures (music, going to shows, art, etc.) and establishing deeper relationships with people. The realization was obvious; I cannot invest into people's lives if I am too busy with my own passions. There just simply wasn't enough time. Presently, I have much time on my hands. Being in a state of transition (new church, new school, new city, new singleness) has been extremely difficult to deal with. Adding onto having so much time, I forgot what my passions (aside from meeting people) were. There are cook books, photographs, band pictures, scattered poetry pages, unedited mini dv tapes, classical books, my guitar, my bass, and several other mini-passions that lie around my room. When I recall the times I use these items, it almost indefinitely had to do with service. I only used the cookbooks to make meals for people. The musical instruments for church, dv tapes for church film editing, even classical books (reading was a requirement for my undergraduate degree {going to school because I am called to teaching]). I've realized that my main passion in life centers around building people, helping people, and allowing people to become a part of my life. I say this objectively, and not to present myself as some saint.

But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.

Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!

I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.

Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.

TransCulturalism and Times of Refreshing

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God

-Romans 12:2



When I ask people "What do you think you're supposed to be doing in your life?"
I receive various answers. One of these, is the common, "I don't know." I've come to realize that at this point in my life, I'm a bit confused as well. All I know is that God spoke to me today: "Bonnie, times of refreshment will come, you're are in the battlefield right now, so fight. Abide in my love. Your faith will heal you." It was very interesting. Never in my life have I questioned my walk with God so fiercely. I'm showing signs of spiritual bipolarity; one moment I'm walking the narrow path guiding others to His word, the other in self-preserving, victimizing pity, all with crying, anger and bitterness. It is indeed a battlefield with some losses and some wins.

Before I gave my love to another, I loved God with a pure love. I was reminded today of the parable in the bible of the seed that fell among the thorns. Jesus spoke of this seed that eventually was "choked up" by the "riches and pleasures" of the world, and eventually did not "produce fruit." I didn't know I was capable of being so distracted. While these personal character issues were being exposed, God was simultatneously working to introduce me to world of Jesus and works. At one point I felt the social justice liberals were too bent on humanistic efforts (which some indeed are), and not on the gospel message. For what good is it to help people physically when they are not fed the bread of life or given the living water?

However, at this discomforting theological crux where evangelicals meet social liberals, I realized it wasn't about theology anymore, but of myself. Why was I so uncomfortable to pick up the cross in areas where I was comfortable in? This past year, I believe I had grown much in areas of my character I never knew needed some weeding. For instance, God reminded me that the money that I am earning is all His. He showed me how to have compassion for the poor, the oppressed. He gave me a glimspe of what it meant to live incarnationally among the lost as I participated in Project Revolution. He showed me how to not be of the world, but to relate to them in order to show Jesus. "Be like the Jew or the Greek in order to win them for Christ." I knew this truth, and had practiced it several times (with seeing the fruit of success). But God took me to another level. Be like the low income culturally different daughter struggling with paying for college and dealing with family issues. Pray for her, encourage her. Be like the passion infused preacher man who needs friends. Pray for him, share how his teaching inspires. Be like the little foreigner child who cannot speak English, who knows love through performance. Share your hugs with him, pray for him.

To love them is not to be them. It's about sensitivity. I am not to conformed to this world, but by the renewing of the mind know what God is doing. How do I renew the mind? By spending time with Him (word, prayer, music, arts, journaling, etc.) I guess that's when I can be strong and understand how to be effectively culturally sensitive, shifting to different styles and cultures. This shifting has been tiresome at times. Although, I cannot bear to be who I once was. Therefore, I guess all this battling presently will show itself in the end as well. I just hope that time of refreshment is soon; It's been very tough.

Please pray for me.
God loves you and me
more than we will ever know.

Still.

I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do
I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do

Learn to seek your face
and in the knowledge of your grace,
I want to praise
you.

Birds in the sky
sing their songs to you
Trees in the field
lift their arms to you
I want to sing
I want to lift
my arms to
You.

I want to go Home.

A few days immersed in smog-filled air and loud engines racing by can make an orange county girl like me in want of sweet sweet relief. In other words, I want to go home.

Yes, I'd say it is rather pathetic, being a "missionary" to do God's work, I haven't seem to grasp what that work is. Originally I came with the intent to volunteer my services, time, and whatever other talents I may possess. How glorious! Such a servant's heart one would think. However, it hasn't been that way. I am adjusting to the daily movements of administrative paperwork. I take time to sit with some women and string in beads together (they make jewelry to earn a proper wage). I have been on outreach in the red light area (Nana). And currently, teaching English /guitar are the next assignments they have scheduled for me... and yet...

I feel absolutely useless... and alone.
I never could emphasize with those who came from other countries (missionaries / foriegn exchange students / college students) until now. Though it's been about 5 days, loneliness has quickly become my closest friend...and physical sickness..So I have two friends..

I brought a cold virus from California (poor Thai) and it evolved into a sinus infection. In addition the smog was irritating my lungs and I had to cover my mouth a few times so that psychologically I wasn't inhaling the poison (I usually do this when I take a crap too [TMI?] ). Then I drank the water, and my stomach started to hurt... So of course, feeling lonely, having a cold, sinus infection, and stomachache I'm pretty sure it's somewhat understandable that I wanted to go home...

Then I heard God speak.
It's always amazing to try to figure God out. Being a Christian for about 7 years, He never seems to show the same side of Him. There is the Sweet Father God; the one who smothers his children with blessings and ooeygooey affection. There is the human God; Jesus Christ who understands our temptations, limitations, struggles and reluctance to do the will of God (Yes, Jesus didn't necessarily want to die on the cross, but He wanted to do the Father's will). And as of now...

God has become.. the disciplining Father.
I read in Proverbs the other day "God disciplines those He loves." And then today's sermon at Newsong was about loneliness and how before Jesus did ministry, God the Father took him to a desert and tested him for 40 days. After that, his ministry was powerful! What does that discipline look like for me? Well, before doing God's work, I needed to refocus on my relationship with Him.

So today, I sat in a nearby cafe, sipping on a watered-down cafe mocha (I make Bangkok sound horrible) with my bible and journal. And God and I went on a date. He spoke to me pretty clearly through some scriptures. We were there well over 2 hours. And it was good.

I still have those feelings of wanting to go home. I still feel absolutely lonely and misunderstood by many (no need for details). But, this is what God wants for now... discipline. To spend time with Him and let Him be enough in this world...I guess it's another reminder that heaven is our real abode and only there will Christians come to resolve their innate desire to belong.