I want to go Home.

A few days immersed in smog-filled air and loud engines racing by can make an orange county girl like me in want of sweet sweet relief. In other words, I want to go home.

Yes, I'd say it is rather pathetic, being a "missionary" to do God's work, I haven't seem to grasp what that work is. Originally I came with the intent to volunteer my services, time, and whatever other talents I may possess. How glorious! Such a servant's heart one would think. However, it hasn't been that way. I am adjusting to the daily movements of administrative paperwork. I take time to sit with some women and string in beads together (they make jewelry to earn a proper wage). I have been on outreach in the red light area (Nana). And currently, teaching English /guitar are the next assignments they have scheduled for me... and yet...

I feel absolutely useless... and alone.
I never could emphasize with those who came from other countries (missionaries / foriegn exchange students / college students) until now. Though it's been about 5 days, loneliness has quickly become my closest friend...and physical sickness..So I have two friends..

I brought a cold virus from California (poor Thai) and it evolved into a sinus infection. In addition the smog was irritating my lungs and I had to cover my mouth a few times so that psychologically I wasn't inhaling the poison (I usually do this when I take a crap too [TMI?] ). Then I drank the water, and my stomach started to hurt... So of course, feeling lonely, having a cold, sinus infection, and stomachache I'm pretty sure it's somewhat understandable that I wanted to go home...

Then I heard God speak.
It's always amazing to try to figure God out. Being a Christian for about 7 years, He never seems to show the same side of Him. There is the Sweet Father God; the one who smothers his children with blessings and ooeygooey affection. There is the human God; Jesus Christ who understands our temptations, limitations, struggles and reluctance to do the will of God (Yes, Jesus didn't necessarily want to die on the cross, but He wanted to do the Father's will). And as of now...

God has become.. the disciplining Father.
I read in Proverbs the other day "God disciplines those He loves." And then today's sermon at Newsong was about loneliness and how before Jesus did ministry, God the Father took him to a desert and tested him for 40 days. After that, his ministry was powerful! What does that discipline look like for me? Well, before doing God's work, I needed to refocus on my relationship with Him.

So today, I sat in a nearby cafe, sipping on a watered-down cafe mocha (I make Bangkok sound horrible) with my bible and journal. And God and I went on a date. He spoke to me pretty clearly through some scriptures. We were there well over 2 hours. And it was good.

I still have those feelings of wanting to go home. I still feel absolutely lonely and misunderstood by many (no need for details). But, this is what God wants for now... discipline. To spend time with Him and let Him be enough in this world...I guess it's another reminder that heaven is our real abode and only there will Christians come to resolve their innate desire to belong.