"Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~ Isaiah 30:20-21, NIV
Today I awoke to crying. These past few days have been tumultuous to say the least. Speaking to a friend yesterday, she told me to wait 10 days and I'll see times of refreshing come soon enough. Interestingly, I start school exactly 10 days from today. I don't know what to expect. So many changes will take place. I don't want to let go of my familiar surroundings even if it is choking me to death! I spent time talking to another good friend at the block yesternight until 4am. It's amazing how God reveals that His love is there, faithfully. Only God's love is ever so faithful and constant. Every time I invest too much in creation to fulfill my longing to be loved is when I come across disastrous moments.
You know when you sing songs at church about obedience. "Ill obey and serve you...I surrender all... Empty me". Well, never have I expected what the cost would be. When Jesus says lay down your life, He meant it. And again and again, I'm learning to adjust to changes, for He gives and takes away.
I never wanted to, in my fleshly desire, make ultimatums in various decisions. I knew it was the most loving thing, for God was directly me in such a way. The only sucky part is that all those who are affected by my decision don't understand that it stemmed from a deeper love. Perhaps I didn't communicate it properly. Regardless, what's done is done, and all I can do now is let go of the past, and embrace the new awakenings of tomorrow.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
But what about the fatherless and hungry?
Psalm 82:3-4
Defend the poor and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy; Free them from the hand of the wicked.
Every time I think about my own selfish trials, God seems to sober me up with a verse such as this one. I think about the children in third world nations who are suffering from sharp hunger pangs. I think about orphans whose parents have died or left them behind; or even worse, pushed them into a life of hell through prostitution or slavery. I think about those who are institutionalized in such a way, that the gospel message is almost impossible to penetrate through (almost, because God is always possible). It sobers me up... Wake up Bonnie, stop looking at your own life and get ready for battle (on knees, and on the field).
For we don't fight against flesh and blood but against the ruling authorities, principalities and dark spiritual agents of this world...
Defend the poor and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy; Free them from the hand of the wicked.
Every time I think about my own selfish trials, God seems to sober me up with a verse such as this one. I think about the children in third world nations who are suffering from sharp hunger pangs. I think about orphans whose parents have died or left them behind; or even worse, pushed them into a life of hell through prostitution or slavery. I think about those who are institutionalized in such a way, that the gospel message is almost impossible to penetrate through (almost, because God is always possible). It sobers me up... Wake up Bonnie, stop looking at your own life and get ready for battle (on knees, and on the field).
For we don't fight against flesh and blood but against the ruling authorities, principalities and dark spiritual agents of this world...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Those who have been given more, more will be expected of them.
"Those who live accordingly to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God."
Romans 8:5-8
While doing devotional today, God really spoke to me and the frailty of the human being. First, I was reminded through a prayer from Willo, that God expects more from me because I have been given much. I didn't really take that as seriously until today. God has given so much to me, various opportunities to bless others, and yet just like this verse says, "the mind of sinful man is death" I felt like I was dying because I dwelt too much on selfish thoughts for an extended period of time.
The outcome of those minds directed by the Holy Spirit is life and peace. When I go about my own way, what my flesh desires, I cannot please God, and inevitably, I bring all types of trouble on myself (hence, death). I've realized that the Holy Spirit is the guidance and I must take more time to communion. There are lives at stake, hungry people in the world, broken daughters and sons, and I have to keep accountable to checking myself and my temptation to be directed by my sinful nature, my flesh. I want life, I want peace, the Holy Spirit guides me on that path.
It's only about two weeks till school starts. I truly believe God's sovereignty put me on the UCLA campus for a specific reason. I still don't know what to expect. I felt so frustrated knowing that I would be fighting the bureaucracy of educational politics, and reluctantly accepted teaching as my present goal. But God wants me to teach for some reason, and all I can do is have faith to see what's in stored. I plan to have gatherings at my apartment for bible reading and prayer. If you are in the LA area and need a place just to read the word and pray (about an hour of reading, hour of praying), feel free to contact me.
Other than that,
As always, your prayers are felt and effective. Please continue to pray for strength. I want to be an instrument for global change, but it first has to begin with my own character issues. Pray that I will keep watching for the workings of God and follow his example. Thank you everyone!
Love you!
Solei Deo Gloria.
Romans 8:5-8
While doing devotional today, God really spoke to me and the frailty of the human being. First, I was reminded through a prayer from Willo, that God expects more from me because I have been given much. I didn't really take that as seriously until today. God has given so much to me, various opportunities to bless others, and yet just like this verse says, "the mind of sinful man is death" I felt like I was dying because I dwelt too much on selfish thoughts for an extended period of time.
The outcome of those minds directed by the Holy Spirit is life and peace. When I go about my own way, what my flesh desires, I cannot please God, and inevitably, I bring all types of trouble on myself (hence, death). I've realized that the Holy Spirit is the guidance and I must take more time to communion. There are lives at stake, hungry people in the world, broken daughters and sons, and I have to keep accountable to checking myself and my temptation to be directed by my sinful nature, my flesh. I want life, I want peace, the Holy Spirit guides me on that path.
It's only about two weeks till school starts. I truly believe God's sovereignty put me on the UCLA campus for a specific reason. I still don't know what to expect. I felt so frustrated knowing that I would be fighting the bureaucracy of educational politics, and reluctantly accepted teaching as my present goal. But God wants me to teach for some reason, and all I can do is have faith to see what's in stored. I plan to have gatherings at my apartment for bible reading and prayer. If you are in the LA area and need a place just to read the word and pray (about an hour of reading, hour of praying), feel free to contact me.
Other than that,
As always, your prayers are felt and effective. Please continue to pray for strength. I want to be an instrument for global change, but it first has to begin with my own character issues. Pray that I will keep watching for the workings of God and follow his example. Thank you everyone!
Love you!
Solei Deo Gloria.
Truth Reveals Itself in the End
A rude awakening it was. After considerable attempts to prove oneself right, only truth will reveal itself in the end. And, of course, I was dead on. Some part of me tried to hinge onto any opportunity that was to insure a positive response in the future, yet today marked the day where I let the doors fall and leave it be. It remains heavy, an eyesore to most, but that is the current condition of emotion. It will find itself again on a different, more suitable frame.
How fickle is the heart. Clearly, one who fears the Lord desires to keep attentive to the deceptions of the organ. The heart is most deceitful says the word. And feelings are the ghastly product. People will argue with me, and might say my criticisms are too harsh, but who can ever argue against truth? Time passes, people sin, their sins inadvertently hurt others, and it's a continuous horrid cycle. Unless.....
the heart is captivated by a higher force, a Being who knows the inner workings of man, only because he created him. And then... then will a man become humane.
How fickle is the heart. Clearly, one who fears the Lord desires to keep attentive to the deceptions of the organ. The heart is most deceitful says the word. And feelings are the ghastly product. People will argue with me, and might say my criticisms are too harsh, but who can ever argue against truth? Time passes, people sin, their sins inadvertently hurt others, and it's a continuous horrid cycle. Unless.....
the heart is captivated by a higher force, a Being who knows the inner workings of man, only because he created him. And then... then will a man become humane.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Libre!
Times of refreshing... it here yet? I can't say it has been easy for the past several months. I've never felt so alone, so betrayed, so disappointed, so confused and even at a point, suicidal. Yes, typical drama queen. Nonetheless, I told God my frustrations, even my anger towards Him. I didn't understand the verse in James when Job's perseverance cause him to be rewarded in the end. My reading of Job shows a man who inevitably complained to God after periods of suffering wore down his soul. But what I do extract from the verse is this: Job complained TO God. Just like King David, these figures were real and honest with God. They communicated their confusion, pain, and anger. They didn't hide their sorrow or irritations at various points of trial.
So today, I told God how angry I was. A part of me felt incredibly frightened, knowing that He could destroy me in an instant. However, I wanted to be honest, just like Job and David were. I guess this is where He is growing my patience and trust in Him. I appreciate quick guaranteed returns for obedience and honestly hate waiting for the next season in life. The Lord kept reminding me to "keep fighting the battle" because the joys and blessings will come sooner than I think. I don't know what to make of this, but... to wait?
It's coming soon.
Take out all the thorns in my feet and in my heart
Restore me to the purest state
so I can see you clearly again.
Keep me in prayer. Please.
So today, I told God how angry I was. A part of me felt incredibly frightened, knowing that He could destroy me in an instant. However, I wanted to be honest, just like Job and David were. I guess this is where He is growing my patience and trust in Him. I appreciate quick guaranteed returns for obedience and honestly hate waiting for the next season in life. The Lord kept reminding me to "keep fighting the battle" because the joys and blessings will come sooner than I think. I don't know what to make of this, but... to wait?
It's coming soon.
Take out all the thorns in my feet and in my heart
Restore me to the purest state
so I can see you clearly again.
Keep me in prayer. Please.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
A Life not Wasted
So today I felt pretty dejected. For several years, I felt convicted that investing into people was more crucial in life than serving my own artistic needs. Various times, I rationalized between how my time could be managed between self-pleasures (music, going to shows, art, etc.) and establishing deeper relationships with people. The realization was obvious; I cannot invest into people's lives if I am too busy with my own passions. There just simply wasn't enough time. Presently, I have much time on my hands. Being in a state of transition (new church, new school, new city, new singleness) has been extremely difficult to deal with. Adding onto having so much time, I forgot what my passions (aside from meeting people) were. There are cook books, photographs, band pictures, scattered poetry pages, unedited mini dv tapes, classical books, my guitar, my bass, and several other mini-passions that lie around my room. When I recall the times I use these items, it almost indefinitely had to do with service. I only used the cookbooks to make meals for people. The musical instruments for church, dv tapes for church film editing, even classical books (reading was a requirement for my undergraduate degree {going to school because I am called to teaching]). I've realized that my main passion in life centers around building people, helping people, and allowing people to become a part of my life. I say this objectively, and not to present myself as some saint.
But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.
Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!
I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.
Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.
But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.
Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!
I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.
Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
TransCulturalism and Times of Refreshing
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God
-Romans 12:2
When I ask people "What do you think you're supposed to be doing in your life?"
I receive various answers. One of these, is the common, "I don't know." I've come to realize that at this point in my life, I'm a bit confused as well. All I know is that God spoke to me today: "Bonnie, times of refreshment will come, you're are in the battlefield right now, so fight. Abide in my love. Your faith will heal you." It was very interesting. Never in my life have I questioned my walk with God so fiercely. I'm showing signs of spiritual bipolarity; one moment I'm walking the narrow path guiding others to His word, the other in self-preserving, victimizing pity, all with crying, anger and bitterness. It is indeed a battlefield with some losses and some wins.
Before I gave my love to another, I loved God with a pure love. I was reminded today of the parable in the bible of the seed that fell among the thorns. Jesus spoke of this seed that eventually was "choked up" by the "riches and pleasures" of the world, and eventually did not "produce fruit." I didn't know I was capable of being so distracted. While these personal character issues were being exposed, God was simultatneously working to introduce me to world of Jesus and works. At one point I felt the social justice liberals were too bent on humanistic efforts (which some indeed are), and not on the gospel message. For what good is it to help people physically when they are not fed the bread of life or given the living water?
However, at this discomforting theological crux where evangelicals meet social liberals, I realized it wasn't about theology anymore, but of myself. Why was I so uncomfortable to pick up the cross in areas where I was comfortable in? This past year, I believe I had grown much in areas of my character I never knew needed some weeding. For instance, God reminded me that the money that I am earning is all His. He showed me how to have compassion for the poor, the oppressed. He gave me a glimspe of what it meant to live incarnationally among the lost as I participated in Project Revolution. He showed me how to not be of the world, but to relate to them in order to show Jesus. "Be like the Jew or the Greek in order to win them for Christ." I knew this truth, and had practiced it several times (with seeing the fruit of success). But God took me to another level. Be like the low income culturally different daughter struggling with paying for college and dealing with family issues. Pray for her, encourage her. Be like the passion infused preacher man who needs friends. Pray for him, share how his teaching inspires. Be like the little foreigner child who cannot speak English, who knows love through performance. Share your hugs with him, pray for him.
To love them is not to be them. It's about sensitivity. I am not to conformed to this world, but by the renewing of the mind know what God is doing. How do I renew the mind? By spending time with Him (word, prayer, music, arts, journaling, etc.) I guess that's when I can be strong and understand how to be effectively culturally sensitive, shifting to different styles and cultures. This shifting has been tiresome at times. Although, I cannot bear to be who I once was. Therefore, I guess all this battling presently will show itself in the end as well. I just hope that time of refreshment is soon; It's been very tough.
Please pray for me.
God loves you and me
more than we will ever know.
-Romans 12:2
When I ask people "What do you think you're supposed to be doing in your life?"
I receive various answers. One of these, is the common, "I don't know." I've come to realize that at this point in my life, I'm a bit confused as well. All I know is that God spoke to me today: "Bonnie, times of refreshment will come, you're are in the battlefield right now, so fight. Abide in my love. Your faith will heal you." It was very interesting. Never in my life have I questioned my walk with God so fiercely. I'm showing signs of spiritual bipolarity; one moment I'm walking the narrow path guiding others to His word, the other in self-preserving, victimizing pity, all with crying, anger and bitterness. It is indeed a battlefield with some losses and some wins.
Before I gave my love to another, I loved God with a pure love. I was reminded today of the parable in the bible of the seed that fell among the thorns. Jesus spoke of this seed that eventually was "choked up" by the "riches and pleasures" of the world, and eventually did not "produce fruit." I didn't know I was capable of being so distracted. While these personal character issues were being exposed, God was simultatneously working to introduce me to world of Jesus and works. At one point I felt the social justice liberals were too bent on humanistic efforts (which some indeed are), and not on the gospel message. For what good is it to help people physically when they are not fed the bread of life or given the living water?
However, at this discomforting theological crux where evangelicals meet social liberals, I realized it wasn't about theology anymore, but of myself. Why was I so uncomfortable to pick up the cross in areas where I was comfortable in? This past year, I believe I had grown much in areas of my character I never knew needed some weeding. For instance, God reminded me that the money that I am earning is all His. He showed me how to have compassion for the poor, the oppressed. He gave me a glimspe of what it meant to live incarnationally among the lost as I participated in Project Revolution. He showed me how to not be of the world, but to relate to them in order to show Jesus. "Be like the Jew or the Greek in order to win them for Christ." I knew this truth, and had practiced it several times (with seeing the fruit of success). But God took me to another level. Be like the low income culturally different daughter struggling with paying for college and dealing with family issues. Pray for her, encourage her. Be like the passion infused preacher man who needs friends. Pray for him, share how his teaching inspires. Be like the little foreigner child who cannot speak English, who knows love through performance. Share your hugs with him, pray for him.
To love them is not to be them. It's about sensitivity. I am not to conformed to this world, but by the renewing of the mind know what God is doing. How do I renew the mind? By spending time with Him (word, prayer, music, arts, journaling, etc.) I guess that's when I can be strong and understand how to be effectively culturally sensitive, shifting to different styles and cultures. This shifting has been tiresome at times. Although, I cannot bear to be who I once was. Therefore, I guess all this battling presently will show itself in the end as well. I just hope that time of refreshment is soon; It's been very tough.
Please pray for me.
God loves you and me
more than we will ever know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
