Almost everyday I find myself battling this anxiety within. I realized recently, that I'm am more of a controlling perfectionist than I would admit, and always am striving to be the best at anything and everything. And when I finally come to a point of exhaustion, confusion, and wondering why I feel this was, a gentle nudging from my God reminds me to be at peace. I'm reminded that I will never be the best, never be the most creative / talented / smartest / powerful / influential / prettiest / funniest / wittiest / __________ in this lifetime. And God is teaching me to "let go" of all that gets in the way of proclaiming his goodness for my life. All these attributes, when it comes down to it, springs from insecurity, jealously, and a lust for the things of this world. It's brilliant how Jesus knew this. He reminds us to "take up the cross and follow me". What seems like pain and persecution is only a bridge way to seeing God work through the circumstances. That is true freedom. There is healing for the brokenhearted, hope for the hungry, the confused, the depressed. John knew this:
15 Don't love the world and what it offers. Those who love the world don't have the Father's love in them. 16 Not everything that the world offers-physical gratification, greed, and extravagant lifestyles-comes from the Father. It comes from the world, and 17 the world and its evil desires are passing away. But the person who does what God wants lives forever. (1 John 2:16).
I'll admit. Conflict arises in my mind. I attend an institution that spews out humanistic / post modern / relative ideologies. I am tempted to compromise my beliefs because what others say seem to make sense or I don't want to offend opinions. It's not easy being in a relationship with a person (Jesus) and people hating your lover. I speak about Jesus because I know He loves me and I love Him. I speak about Him because He rescued me from so much torment, how can I not share my experience? But at times, I am conflicted. I feel very alone in my views, in my passion for Him. Then, come the moments where God shows me up. He shows me how one verse in His word is truth again.
At school, I learn about great educators, and what types of theories work. Funny enough, great educational reformers like Paulo Freire made the conclusion that it is through the characteristics of humility and love that determine the outcome of true educational transformation. I read this stuff and think, "Wow... this is a simple biblical truth." Because of this, I can't help but to feel a bit impatient with what we learn in class. The life instructions the bible offers are effective (I wouldn't be saying this if it hadn't work in my life, or others). It is tiresome when I sit in class with 3 hours of overstatements on how this technique or that strategy will or will not work.
Another example, I'm writing a paper on "deficit thinking". Now, deficit thinking is basically how a situation or condition is perceived negatively. For instance, I can walk into a room in Tibet and think "Oh my, dirt floors how sad." But to Tibetians, it isn't sad, it's normal. Under deficit thinking, there is deficit speaking. If a teacher constantly tells a student, "this is too hard for you," or "you are dumb," deficit speaking says that you have just spoken a self-fulfilling prophecy. The child will inevitably end up "dumb" or struggling with the "hard" assignments. The researchers of this deficit thinking theory have done testing after testing and found the theory to be pretty solid.
Now how does this all tie in with the bible? The bible is covered with verses about how you should watch what you say. You can bless and curse people just by the faith in the words you speak. And what you say has power. It's so simple; it boggles my mind when simple biblical truths are secularized, intellectualized, studied and concluded with evidence of its existence. And when you mention how the bible speaks of these same truths, it's disregarded, since faith is foolishness to the educated.
Although because of all shaz, class bores me to death, I must rid aside my own "deficit" thinking, and learn to be thankful. I am thankful for the opportunity to be attending UCLA. I am thankful that one day God will use me to impact lives. I am thankful that I am being challenged in my beliefs, and God keeps showing me how He is still the TRUTH. I think 2008 has been the loneliest and most painful year of my life. I'm still in a desert time with God, but 2009 is going to be different. It is definitely going to be a significant and life-altering, I can feel it coming and am excited to see what's in stored.
Yay!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Passion Church is a Loving Church
So recently, God has been convicting me about illegal software. I have about $3000.00 worth of illegal software in my new Mac. Yoochul asked me if one sin was different from another the other week, and I was truly convicted. I tried to fight it. I needed the software, I need to be making movies, etc. But do the ends justify the means? In this case, no.
I didn't know what to do. I told God that I'm struggling financially. I'm down to about $500.00 for the rest of November and December. Getting new software wasn't going to help the financial problems go away. But God wants obedience not sacrifice, so I proceeded to obey.
Then today i spoke with Brian Kho with passion church asking if he got in touch with his friend who worked at the computer section at UCLA. I wanted to see if there were any discounts available. He then replied, "Bonnie, Passion church bought the CS4 package you needed. I'll meet you sometime tomorrow to give it to you."
Speechless.
These guys were the same students who donated $100.00 to help me purchase my Macbook.
Why do you guys show so much of God's love?
This is grace.
I didn't know what to do. I told God that I'm struggling financially. I'm down to about $500.00 for the rest of November and December. Getting new software wasn't going to help the financial problems go away. But God wants obedience not sacrifice, so I proceeded to obey.
Then today i spoke with Brian Kho with passion church asking if he got in touch with his friend who worked at the computer section at UCLA. I wanted to see if there were any discounts available. He then replied, "Bonnie, Passion church bought the CS4 package you needed. I'll meet you sometime tomorrow to give it to you."
Speechless.
These guys were the same students who donated $100.00 to help me purchase my Macbook.
Why do you guys show so much of God's love?
This is grace.
the good fight
Left with the ashes
that are remains
of memories once treasured
each day suffering
a new battle
of loneliness
of misunderstood
communication errors
calling out
My God, where are you?
God, I need you so much right now!
Every person
that was once a treasure
inside the crevices of my heart
has left a void
and a heart punctured with
holes of every size
My God, where are you?
I need you so much right now!
why go on? why fight this good fight?
do i need more than i have?
isn't His grace enough for me?
I say yes, but the sharp stab inside says no
a battle within
everyday
i want
to
fight the good fight.
and go home.
that are remains
of memories once treasured
each day suffering
a new battle
of loneliness
of misunderstood
communication errors
calling out
My God, where are you?
God, I need you so much right now!
Every person
that was once a treasure
inside the crevices of my heart
has left a void
and a heart punctured with
holes of every size
My God, where are you?
I need you so much right now!
why go on? why fight this good fight?
do i need more than i have?
isn't His grace enough for me?
I say yes, but the sharp stab inside says no
a battle within
everyday
i want
to
fight the good fight.
and go home.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Art and Deeper
i wonder if it's too much to ask to be surrounded by more fashionista/os, photogs, music junkies and the ecetera. i feel silly dressing up for school sometimes (grad school!). i'm labeled as emo if i passionately enjoy and analyze what students are wearing, or when i look at a photograph and say, "yes, that's it."
something about being in a pool of passionate people strikes me. it lets me live another day. i don't mean to be so dramatic, but that's who i am. i like seeing you, for who you are, not for all that you are hiding behind. you're a tree, and im ready to get beyond your shallow leaves, i dig. that's who i am. and i don't want to be this way at times, it often isolates me for people are a peculiar bunch. they fear what they long for the most, to be real and be. but they raise up their fists, branches and all, waving to themselves to push against the momentarily drafts of purposelessness. im not inclined to tell anyone that i got it all figured out, nope i'm even worse, dealing with insecurities that many do not know of. but what i do know, and have gotten figured out, this life is short, why waste it with superficial jargon? yea, maybe art itself is a shallow distraction also, but it leads to deeper meanings. how can art in essence be superficial without insulting the piece itself? if it is insult, it rightly deserves its pain. it's only is a piece of crap, it deserves to be insulted.
harsh? i suppose. but superficiality is insulting. we all are, and we all insult one another with it. only because we're scared.
until we know we are loved
and is in love.
by one who isn't swayed by the weak structures of this place
we call life.
something about being in a pool of passionate people strikes me. it lets me live another day. i don't mean to be so dramatic, but that's who i am. i like seeing you, for who you are, not for all that you are hiding behind. you're a tree, and im ready to get beyond your shallow leaves, i dig. that's who i am. and i don't want to be this way at times, it often isolates me for people are a peculiar bunch. they fear what they long for the most, to be real and be. but they raise up their fists, branches and all, waving to themselves to push against the momentarily drafts of purposelessness. im not inclined to tell anyone that i got it all figured out, nope i'm even worse, dealing with insecurities that many do not know of. but what i do know, and have gotten figured out, this life is short, why waste it with superficial jargon? yea, maybe art itself is a shallow distraction also, but it leads to deeper meanings. how can art in essence be superficial without insulting the piece itself? if it is insult, it rightly deserves its pain. it's only is a piece of crap, it deserves to be insulted.
harsh? i suppose. but superficiality is insulting. we all are, and we all insult one another with it. only because we're scared.
until we know we are loved
and is in love.
by one who isn't swayed by the weak structures of this place
we call life.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Crazy Happenings with grace
The other day I was in class feeling very alone. Most of the people in there know that I am a Christian. I speak about my beliefs occasionally, enough for others to label me as "religious". Gosh, I hate that word. It's much like the difference between calling someone your "boyfriend" or calling them your "lover". Yea, both have characteristics of what attraction between two people may look like, but the latter signifies depth. Jesus Christ isn't a teacher who commands me to obey a set of beliefs and I am to damn other people if they aren't following. Jesus Christ loves me. And yes, I do have a relationship with God, where we have dialogue, where He tells me what the next best steps are, where He tells me the future about certain events and people. That is the difference between what "religiosity" and "relationship" is.
For the past few days God has been graciously blessing me, enough for me to see account it more than coincidence. Currently, I am student teaching at Belmont, an inner city school comprised of half of their students failing classes. As many know, I am involved with three ministries: Grace Korean Church Family Group co-Leading, Newsong LA small group, and Christian Students of Conscience (UCLA) Core training. In addition, juggling 20 units and 432084038 pages of reading I wonder where I find the time to socialized (thank God I do).
Christian Students of Conscience had a prayer meeting led by Professor Robert Romero (also a pastor at Newsong LA) on UCLA's campus. It is there where I met Jose Morales. Jose is also now part of CSC's core training group and we meet every Thursday in Culver City, joined with Newsong LA's JAC (Justice Advocacy Compassion) team.
The following few weeks My cohort adviser from UCLA told me to do my observation and 3-weeks of student teaching at Belmont High school. I saw that Belmont had the most need (lack of resources, funds, etc.) and recalled Won Kim (GKC's head pastor's son) telling me "Go to the school that is hardest to work in, and you'll learn more", and heeded his challenging advice.
Every Teacher Education Program student from UCLA has someone called a "guiding" teacher at the schools that they are observing/student teaching at. Well, amazingly, out of all the schools that I had a choice from in LAUSD, and out of all the teachers I could have been observing, I am in Jose Morales's room, my friend, and fellow CSC member. There is much grace upon my life because of this. I have the liberties of studying (catching up on readings) during my "observation time", coming in at an hour that would not severely deprive me of sleep, collaborating smoothly on lesson plans, have genuine conversations about our personal spiritual walks, etc. I was matched with JOSE! Because of this, there is more time allotted in the day to do other ministry works.
For instance, yesterday, I was leading worship and prayer with GKC small group and we ended up hanging out till 1am! If I was with another teacher, I'd be screwed because he/she would be on my case about not coming in at 8am.
The small group time was wonderful and well-needed for most of us (including myself). There were about 15 people in total, and 3 of them were newcomers from Santa Monica College. During prayer time, one of the girls shared her experience about some personal issues and felt that she was going "crazy". Anna and I looked at each other and thought the same "wow, we know exactly what she is going through." We had a change to minister to her and she felt so relieved. Later that night, our group went up to Bruin cafe to hang out, and the same girl talked about how she needed to do an interview for one of her classes. She spent the whole day asking faculty members if any of them had experience with the issues of human trafficking. Will Kim laughed and then told her that I had experience with that (Nightlight) and that that is currently a topic that God has put in my heart. She jumped up ecstatically, and shouted "Oh my gosh, you're exactly the person I need to interview, God is so good!" The crazier part is, I have been praying that God would continue to network me with those who have a heart for anti-human trafficking. Every week I am meeting one or two people, who want to get involved with this issue. Simply amazing.
Oh, yea and another act of grace. Most of you know that I wanted a Macbook so I can start doing the documentary (of which I will keep the subject confidential here but is related to the trafficking issue) and write / record music. I prayed that God would help me financially with getting a Macbook knowing that this will help me make music and movies for His purposes. I searched on craigslist for great deal, but to my dismay found none. UCLA's store was having a sale to get rid of the white 13inch macbooks. They were selling it for 899.99 (2.4ghz, etc) which was an excellent deal considering it had enough power and space to do some editing, and it was 300-400 dollars less than the new ones. But still, that was so much money for me (I bring 1-2 sacked lunch everyday to save money!). Brian Kho of passion church (simple churches, Jaeson Ma, Organic church network) called me and told me to wait at Ackerman book store because he had a gift for me. He was in his dorm (way north of campus), took the bus down, and skated to the bookstore just to meet and and give me a gift. I had told him about the documentary idea prior, and he and a few PC members grouped up and collected $100.00 for me. He said that he felt that this is something PC wants to support in, knowing that this documentary idea came from God. These are college students who don't have money, sometimes eating ramen for their dinners, and I was so humbled to see the love through sacrifice of finances. I don't even go to Passion Church! What the heck!!!??? I ended up paying about 800.00 for a new white macbook. Brian also told me he's going to give me his macbook cover, and a few others said they will help me to learn how to do flash (for CSC / SKYSUN web design) and such. God's grace overflows.
Sometimes I get caught up in my emotional / mind battles and I forget to see such grace.
Simply Amazing.
GOD THANK YOU.
For the past few days God has been graciously blessing me, enough for me to see account it more than coincidence. Currently, I am student teaching at Belmont, an inner city school comprised of half of their students failing classes. As many know, I am involved with three ministries: Grace Korean Church Family Group co-Leading, Newsong LA small group, and Christian Students of Conscience (UCLA) Core training. In addition, juggling 20 units and 432084038 pages of reading I wonder where I find the time to socialized (thank God I do).
Christian Students of Conscience had a prayer meeting led by Professor Robert Romero (also a pastor at Newsong LA) on UCLA's campus. It is there where I met Jose Morales. Jose is also now part of CSC's core training group and we meet every Thursday in Culver City, joined with Newsong LA's JAC (Justice Advocacy Compassion) team.
The following few weeks My cohort adviser from UCLA told me to do my observation and 3-weeks of student teaching at Belmont High school. I saw that Belmont had the most need (lack of resources, funds, etc.) and recalled Won Kim (GKC's head pastor's son) telling me "Go to the school that is hardest to work in, and you'll learn more", and heeded his challenging advice.
Every Teacher Education Program student from UCLA has someone called a "guiding" teacher at the schools that they are observing/student teaching at. Well, amazingly, out of all the schools that I had a choice from in LAUSD, and out of all the teachers I could have been observing, I am in Jose Morales's room, my friend, and fellow CSC member. There is much grace upon my life because of this. I have the liberties of studying (catching up on readings) during my "observation time", coming in at an hour that would not severely deprive me of sleep, collaborating smoothly on lesson plans, have genuine conversations about our personal spiritual walks, etc. I was matched with JOSE! Because of this, there is more time allotted in the day to do other ministry works.
For instance, yesterday, I was leading worship and prayer with GKC small group and we ended up hanging out till 1am! If I was with another teacher, I'd be screwed because he/she would be on my case about not coming in at 8am.
The small group time was wonderful and well-needed for most of us (including myself). There were about 15 people in total, and 3 of them were newcomers from Santa Monica College. During prayer time, one of the girls shared her experience about some personal issues and felt that she was going "crazy". Anna and I looked at each other and thought the same "wow, we know exactly what she is going through." We had a change to minister to her and she felt so relieved. Later that night, our group went up to Bruin cafe to hang out, and the same girl talked about how she needed to do an interview for one of her classes. She spent the whole day asking faculty members if any of them had experience with the issues of human trafficking. Will Kim laughed and then told her that I had experience with that (Nightlight) and that that is currently a topic that God has put in my heart. She jumped up ecstatically, and shouted "Oh my gosh, you're exactly the person I need to interview, God is so good!" The crazier part is, I have been praying that God would continue to network me with those who have a heart for anti-human trafficking. Every week I am meeting one or two people, who want to get involved with this issue. Simply amazing.
Oh, yea and another act of grace. Most of you know that I wanted a Macbook so I can start doing the documentary (of which I will keep the subject confidential here but is related to the trafficking issue) and write / record music. I prayed that God would help me financially with getting a Macbook knowing that this will help me make music and movies for His purposes. I searched on craigslist for great deal, but to my dismay found none. UCLA's store was having a sale to get rid of the white 13inch macbooks. They were selling it for 899.99 (2.4ghz, etc) which was an excellent deal considering it had enough power and space to do some editing, and it was 300-400 dollars less than the new ones. But still, that was so much money for me (I bring 1-2 sacked lunch everyday to save money!). Brian Kho of passion church (simple churches, Jaeson Ma, Organic church network) called me and told me to wait at Ackerman book store because he had a gift for me. He was in his dorm (way north of campus), took the bus down, and skated to the bookstore just to meet and and give me a gift. I had told him about the documentary idea prior, and he and a few PC members grouped up and collected $100.00 for me. He said that he felt that this is something PC wants to support in, knowing that this documentary idea came from God. These are college students who don't have money, sometimes eating ramen for their dinners, and I was so humbled to see the love through sacrifice of finances. I don't even go to Passion Church! What the heck!!!??? I ended up paying about 800.00 for a new white macbook. Brian also told me he's going to give me his macbook cover, and a few others said they will help me to learn how to do flash (for CSC / SKYSUN web design) and such. God's grace overflows.
Sometimes I get caught up in my emotional / mind battles and I forget to see such grace.
Simply Amazing.
GOD THANK YOU.
Monday, October 27, 2008
By His Grace Im Surviving Right Now.
It's been a few weeks into life in LA. It has been a mixed of hell and pleasure. Grad school has disappointed me at times. I expected more in terms of mind stimulation, but it's because I'm not as engaged in class? Who knows. Distractions are heavy. Everyday, I wake up to disturbing thoughts of the recent past, paralyzing the new day. Each morning I'm fighting to reorder my mind, to hold onto the greater joys that lie ahead. Much of life is passing by: 20 units, lesson plans, GKC small group, Newsong small group, CSC, friends, homework, readings, CSC website making, SKYSUN webblog making, documentary brainstorming, buying food, making food, consuming wisely, is this fair trade? is this eco-friendly? please, only that, proposition arguements, not spending money as much as possible, issues of sex slavery...and the list continues. what i find release in: photography, art, music, reading. i was advise by a friend today to make some time for myself. The mixture of duties are real. I know I am supposed to make that documentary. I know I'm supposed to be a part of CSC and GKC and be in a teacher education program. I know I'm supposed to be making music. So why the heavy-burdens?
It is definitely a test of my character. Timing is indeed everything. Adding to my impatient nature, my own comforts zones have been crossed. Various types of people, types of class differences, types of ministry focuses, various giftings, school's indoctrination of humanistic/post modern/relative perspectives, and of course, the recurring dreams (sometimes nightmares) of the constant reminder that i just wasn't good enough.
How can I live without Jesus?
By His grace I'm surviving through all this chaos.
In a season or two, I will be stronger...
It is definitely a test of my character. Timing is indeed everything. Adding to my impatient nature, my own comforts zones have been crossed. Various types of people, types of class differences, types of ministry focuses, various giftings, school's indoctrination of humanistic/post modern/relative perspectives, and of course, the recurring dreams (sometimes nightmares) of the constant reminder that i just wasn't good enough.
How can I live without Jesus?
By His grace I'm surviving through all this chaos.
In a season or two, I will be stronger...
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