Libre!

Times of refreshing... it here yet? I can't say it has been easy for the past several months. I've never felt so alone, so betrayed, so disappointed, so confused and even at a point, suicidal. Yes, typical drama queen. Nonetheless, I told God my frustrations, even my anger towards Him. I didn't understand the verse in James when Job's perseverance cause him to be rewarded in the end. My reading of Job shows a man who inevitably complained to God after periods of suffering wore down his soul. But what I do extract from the verse is this: Job complained TO God. Just like King David, these figures were real and honest with God. They communicated their confusion, pain, and anger. They didn't hide their sorrow or irritations at various points of trial.

So today, I told God how angry I was. A part of me felt incredibly frightened, knowing that He could destroy me in an instant. However, I wanted to be honest, just like Job and David were. I guess this is where He is growing my patience and trust in Him. I appreciate quick guaranteed returns for obedience and honestly hate waiting for the next season in life. The Lord kept reminding me to "keep fighting the battle" because the joys and blessings will come sooner than I think. I don't know what to make of this, but... to wait?

It's coming soon.

Take out all the thorns in my feet and in my heart
Restore me to the purest state
so I can see you clearly again.


Keep me in prayer. Please.

A Life not Wasted

So today I felt pretty dejected. For several years, I felt convicted that investing into people was more crucial in life than serving my own artistic needs. Various times, I rationalized between how my time could be managed between self-pleasures (music, going to shows, art, etc.) and establishing deeper relationships with people. The realization was obvious; I cannot invest into people's lives if I am too busy with my own passions. There just simply wasn't enough time. Presently, I have much time on my hands. Being in a state of transition (new church, new school, new city, new singleness) has been extremely difficult to deal with. Adding onto having so much time, I forgot what my passions (aside from meeting people) were. There are cook books, photographs, band pictures, scattered poetry pages, unedited mini dv tapes, classical books, my guitar, my bass, and several other mini-passions that lie around my room. When I recall the times I use these items, it almost indefinitely had to do with service. I only used the cookbooks to make meals for people. The musical instruments for church, dv tapes for church film editing, even classical books (reading was a requirement for my undergraduate degree {going to school because I am called to teaching]). I've realized that my main passion in life centers around building people, helping people, and allowing people to become a part of my life. I say this objectively, and not to present myself as some saint.

But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.

Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!

I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.

Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.

TransCulturalism and Times of Refreshing

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God

-Romans 12:2



When I ask people "What do you think you're supposed to be doing in your life?"
I receive various answers. One of these, is the common, "I don't know." I've come to realize that at this point in my life, I'm a bit confused as well. All I know is that God spoke to me today: "Bonnie, times of refreshment will come, you're are in the battlefield right now, so fight. Abide in my love. Your faith will heal you." It was very interesting. Never in my life have I questioned my walk with God so fiercely. I'm showing signs of spiritual bipolarity; one moment I'm walking the narrow path guiding others to His word, the other in self-preserving, victimizing pity, all with crying, anger and bitterness. It is indeed a battlefield with some losses and some wins.

Before I gave my love to another, I loved God with a pure love. I was reminded today of the parable in the bible of the seed that fell among the thorns. Jesus spoke of this seed that eventually was "choked up" by the "riches and pleasures" of the world, and eventually did not "produce fruit." I didn't know I was capable of being so distracted. While these personal character issues were being exposed, God was simultatneously working to introduce me to world of Jesus and works. At one point I felt the social justice liberals were too bent on humanistic efforts (which some indeed are), and not on the gospel message. For what good is it to help people physically when they are not fed the bread of life or given the living water?

However, at this discomforting theological crux where evangelicals meet social liberals, I realized it wasn't about theology anymore, but of myself. Why was I so uncomfortable to pick up the cross in areas where I was comfortable in? This past year, I believe I had grown much in areas of my character I never knew needed some weeding. For instance, God reminded me that the money that I am earning is all His. He showed me how to have compassion for the poor, the oppressed. He gave me a glimspe of what it meant to live incarnationally among the lost as I participated in Project Revolution. He showed me how to not be of the world, but to relate to them in order to show Jesus. "Be like the Jew or the Greek in order to win them for Christ." I knew this truth, and had practiced it several times (with seeing the fruit of success). But God took me to another level. Be like the low income culturally different daughter struggling with paying for college and dealing with family issues. Pray for her, encourage her. Be like the passion infused preacher man who needs friends. Pray for him, share how his teaching inspires. Be like the little foreigner child who cannot speak English, who knows love through performance. Share your hugs with him, pray for him.

To love them is not to be them. It's about sensitivity. I am not to conformed to this world, but by the renewing of the mind know what God is doing. How do I renew the mind? By spending time with Him (word, prayer, music, arts, journaling, etc.) I guess that's when I can be strong and understand how to be effectively culturally sensitive, shifting to different styles and cultures. This shifting has been tiresome at times. Although, I cannot bear to be who I once was. Therefore, I guess all this battling presently will show itself in the end as well. I just hope that time of refreshment is soon; It's been very tough.

Please pray for me.
God loves you and me
more than we will ever know.

Quiet Time for June 16th

2 Kings 1

The Lord sends Elijah to inform Ahaziah that he will die.

INSIGHT

Ahab and Jezebel have become famous for their irreverence and disregard for the Law of the Lord. Yet Ahaziah, the son of Ahab, goes beyond them in his blatant disregard for the Lord. After an accident, he inquires of Baal-Zebub, the pagan god of Ekron, whether or not he will recover. Elijah informs the messengers that Ahaziah will die. No longer afraid, Elijah has been strengthened from his previous failure. We must always look at failure as an opportunity to grow.

PRAYER

God often uses our hard times to refine us into the people He wants us to be. Give Him your praise for His care:
You have dealt well with Your servant,
O Lord, according to Your word.
Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
For I believe Your commandments.
Before I was afflicted I went astray,
But now I keep Your word.
You are good, and do good;
Teach me Your statutes (Psalm 119:65-68).

Pause for personal praise and thanksgiving.

Pray this confession to the Lord as you seek to keep your life free from sin:
Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy remember me,
For Your goodness' sake, O Lord (Psalm 25:6-7).

Confess any sins that the Holy Spirit brings to your mind.

Now pray this affirmation to the Lord:
This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief (1 Timothy 1:15).

As you make your requests known to the Lord, include:
-- Greater trust in God's leading in your life
-- The ministry of your local church
-- Whatever else is on your heart

Finally, offer this closing prayer to the Lord:
I am persuaded that neither death nor life,
nor angels nor principalities nor powers,
nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth,
nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us
from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).

PROJECT REVOLUTION HELP!

Dear Family and friends,

If each of us were to look back at our lives, we could probably select a few experiences that were life changing. These experiences changed the way we think, the way we view the world and God and even drastically change our future life decisions. I will have a chance to experience one of these moments this summer. On June 30, I will join 50 other revolutionaries-at-heart in a week-long urban justice project that will show us what it means to love people sacrificially. I truly believe this will be a life-changing experience. Although many others will choose to spend their summer at the beach, playing video games, or waking up at noon, I consider it a privilege to invest this week in learning new ways to serve and love the poor in the name of Jesus.

Last year, 20 of us took part in Project Revolution and we lived together in community at the Salvation Army Compton. By day, we served in a variety of urban ministries and by night, we had speakers train us on topics of race, poverty, and justice from a biblical perspective. On the 4th of July, we took part in an unforgettable “Freedom Ride” to important historic sites of racial, social, and political struggle in Los Angeles. We also caught a glimpse of what it’s like to be homeless in L.A. This year, 50 of us will spend a similar week serving at a number of faith/community-based organizations that faithfully serve those in need as Christ did. Each day will be another opportunity to learn about God and myself as we work with youth, assist in construction, minister to prostitutes, aid the undocumented, and help the homeless.

I am writing to ask you to consider supporting my team. We are in the process of raising $10,000 to cover the cost of food, lodging, transportation, and ministry materials for our team. My personal goal is to raise $337, so any amount that you could contribute would be of great help. If you are able to support us at this time, please make the check out to Newsong Church and mail it back in the envelope provided.

If you cannot afford to financially support our work at this time, I would ask that you commit to pray for our team. This will be an experience where I am pushed outside of my comfort zone and I’ll need to depend on Christ, so your support through prayer would be very much appreciated.

Blessings,

Bonnie!

A conversation with a Pure soul

krnaznboi: yeah
wut we need to do we know
but its hard to do
Sent at 4:53 PM on Wednesday
me: yea i know kev
im right there
i know im not supposed to be dating right now
but it's really hard
i even cried today!
bc it's so painful
krnaznboi: oh dang
ill pray for you more
me: thanks kevin
it's really hard for me right now
Sent at 4:57 PM on Wednesday
krnaznboi: gotatdo work
ill pray
just dont worry
ok bye
Sent at 5:04 PM on Wednesday

krnaznboi is offline.


I tutored Kevin for about a year. He is 15 and has such a pure heart.
The prayers of children are so powerful, for heaven is full of them.

Still.

I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do
I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do

Learn to seek your face
and in the knowledge of your grace,
I want to praise
you.

Birds in the sky
sing their songs to you
Trees in the field
lift their arms to you
I want to sing
I want to lift
my arms to
You.