Wineskins

I haven't felt the Lord for about 3 weeks now. I read the bible, I spend time worshipping in music, in FnF work, in whatever and yet I can't feel Him.

I've felt abandoned, frustrated, confused and everything else that a betrayed lover would feel.

Today I prayed and I came to realize something. Sometimes He's got to silence up a bit for me to not play games.
I've taken His grace for granted, made up excuses about my habits, and delayed those promises I've made, that someday I will create art for Him.

And a few hours ago, while in another frustrated prayer session, I think I heard Him speak:

"I've taken away the feelings so you can pour out into your gifts. Worship me through the talents I've entrusted to you."

God is indeed a genius.

Yes sir, will do. I will pour out all my passions to You, create pieces that speak of your glory and shake the confines of mediocrity.

It's time.

Happy New Year

Hold all the compulsions that want to slam against a wall. Decorations,
Hitting the wall, dead and cold. There is no way out for the moment.
Don't want to sew up each ripped seam of hopeful lies.
Faith. Lies. Doubt. Faith. Anger. Pain. Faith. Confusion.
He is closest to the spiritually impoverished. Those who the world looks upon with
disdain or with admiration.They are equally fleeting and painful.

It will be okay in a few days, weeks, months, maybe years.
I am still thankful for what I do have, the remains are an abundance
to some. Happy New Year. Tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.

Isolated Utterances

Voices -Melody Gardot, Cassandra Wilson and the great Ella. Not alone in the feeling of lonesomeness, great voices, greater desperation lulls in the evening, silkening the crisp atmosphere. Coping with soothing blue notes, when all things frivilous
are surely prone to distract- her isolation was encased within her own complexities.
Picking up a book, the edges tattered and cover stained with coffee rings, her fragile fingers grazed over
the tired leather. Engravings of holy colors, the book was still ready for use, as its purpose would be null
if left tucked away.
Luke 22:39-46

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation. He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.“Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”

"Fall into temptation," she thought for a moment. These men, who professed to go to the grave for Jesus, fell asleep from sorrow. Yet the man who led them from the beginning would continue, not withholding his promise to love.

"Get up and pray. So you will not fall into temptation."
And with this reminder, she walked over to the corner of the room and knelt to share in honest conversations.

The room was now warm, with only the breeze envying through window panes.

No Clown Trash... behavior that is.

Nearly 3:00am and not sleeping shouldn't be good for the body. Nevertheless, here I go with my mind
jumbles for the day.

Gripes:
Despite pretentiousness or lying, what I loathe the most, I will have to encounter everywhere only because it's a part of human nature. It's like driving around during a sunny day only to find out there's a storm right when you step out of your car. I'm sure I've done it here and there, so leaving the plank in my eye, I'll continue to unravel the frustrations associated with...passive aggression.

This post in of itself is in no way an attempt of passively, aggressively sharing my thoughts, however it may seem so initially.
I'm pretty much an active aggressive person if anything. Ask Jonathan.

One of my old bosses was passive aggressive. I would come into work, realize at some point I didn't know how to fill out that application form for our partner company, or write up reviews on each client's case in the way I was supposed to. Every time I went into her office, she would be on the phone, or in a frantic voice tell me that she was working on "a very important grant/document/paper" and will attend to me later. Which of course never happened. Then when I would finish the day's work and leave the papers on her desk for her to review. She would say she'd look over them. Which of course never happened.

When finally I confronted her about my confusion as to what I was supposed to do. She would reply with "why didn't you ask me?"

O_o

That was incredibly annoying and I decided to just keep working hard at what it was I was supposed to be doing/have done.
From that initial confrontation (active aggressive gesture), she would shower me with compliments, then moments later with a crooked half mile, and a full look of anxiety would come upon her face. She'd let me know nicely (but you know, nicely with concern) this or that doesn't look good. If I then replied with more questions because I did not know exactly what she wanted me to change/do, she would then tell me she was busy and will attend to me later. Which again, never happened.

It's either you tell me what I need to improve on, or tell me I suck at what I'm doing and fire me. Please don't do this nonsensical back and forth game. Goodness. The most amusing part of all this was that during the initial job interview she would tell me to not be a typical asian and show passive aggression if there came a problem. Wow.

Now moving on to my thoughts as of late.
Perhaps it's God's way of trying to teach me patience, or to teach me to not be what I don't want to be...
Whatever it may be, it's a trying process.

How do I address an issue without breaking the spirit of a person? And if I do break the spirit of a person because I am not one to play these ridiculous passive aggressive games and would rather tell people in truth what is going on... is it really up to me how they take it? How do I "rebuke" in love, when I think the way I'm sharing is "loving." And if there are others who have the very same conclusion or concerns yet the person being confronted is unwilling or not realizing the gravity of the problems, what am I to do?

I ask these questions to myself, because I am completely conflicted with our American standards of ethical treatment for peers, for workplaces and such. In America, we are told that truth is relative, and each person has their own moral gauge. If this is true, then if I say "Hey Mr. Snootypoots you're being a bit snooty and it's causing everyone else to be more snooty. I think it's best if you stop that snootiness here," am I in the wrong? What if Mr. Snootypoots responds with "Hey, I don't think I did anything wrong, actually, it's your fault that you think the way you do." How is anything supposed to change if this is the case? This entitlement mentality of gen xyz is troubling me.

I used to always admire the professors who would mark up my papers in red and tell me in class that I didn't know it all. Initially, the burn of humiliation would make me want to run away and hide. But after time, I grew to appreciate their brutal honesty and ability to put me in my place. They were my teachers, and I was their student.That was that. Now, students treat teachers like trash. Kids treat parents like trash. It's all trash. No Clown Trash please!

I'm sure I'll get better at this. In time.
For now... got to admit...can be tiresome for the mind.

It rains when you're not

can't tell in words, break break when meeting the air
calm me down sip of wine nostalgia affairs
nikon freeze freezing moments yeahhhhhh that's what they are
across your twilight eyes rushing boulevards
running in heels blurry cars

oh you waited and im running
much apologies it's not what you wanted
look what you started
will you finish?

let me stop stop stop stop stop running
im getting tired
what now
will you finish?

for the easy, it comes and goes
for the difficult it comes to show
will you finish?
will you finish?
is it finished?
now?

It rains when you're not
here.

Let it Rain

encapsulate dark hues,
mary jane blues, slowing it down
glistening windows, dew dropped reflections
images reveal itself upon
serious eyes.

could this be what they call
a deep sleep. an unsound sleep.
bury the seed in the ground, all the
way covered in muddy footsteps. smashed
against the muddy dirt and ridged feet
of strangers friends loved ones enemies.
till you become nothing more than dust.

cellophane crinkles, face preservation
from time clocked wrinkles. don't touch
or else it'll break. globs of liquid money
on the face. keeping it fresh and dewy
just like the rain. not like the dirt laden
face.

let the seed die. let it die
dont fight and let it die.
the truth reveals itself in the end.
summer will bring its glory.

The day my heart died.

Just thinking about the way you died kills me inside.
I'm so sorry Snowflake. I didn't mean to. I didn't know it would
happen like this. I only wanted to rescue you. You had fleas, and was about
to die. I took you in, and I'm sorry you had to die like that. I didn't
know it would be that way. I waited so long to catch you, and God let me catch you.
But I didn't know it would end like this. I'm sorry Snowflake, I'm really so sorry.
You were such a good rabbit. You were calm and gentle, and never fought back.
And I wish you would have fought Lucky back harder. But Lucky was too strong, I
know. I wish my mom didn't have to clean the room like that and leave you outside.
I wish I bough a cage for you so you didn't have to be chased around and killed.
I should have bought a cage right away instead of waiting. I didn't have the
money at that time Snowflake. I'm so sorry. I didn't have the money, and couldn't
get a cage for you. I wish you didn't have to die like that. I wish I had a job
so I could have bought you a cage. Or I wish I was out there when Lucky broke
her chain so I could have rescued you. I want you to know that I loved you very
much. I would have gladly been attacked by Lucky in your place. I really would have.
I'm sorry Snowflake. I miss you so much. I wish you were alive. I'm sorry Snowflake.
I'm sorry. :********( I want you back Snowflake. Please come back.

Glass Paradigms

"It's as if I'm trapped inside a surreal glass-paned trapezoid."

"Why? I don't get your logic."

"Everything's moving too fast you see. All around me. I see it. There's all this noise, but I can't hear nothing inside this."

"Can't you just break out of it? Smash it?"

"Well. I like to preserve myself. Make sure everything's tidy. But then, I get all messy inside of here. No one can really see it, even though it's all transparent."

"I still don't get it."

"Yea, no one does. I want to be out there on the other side. Taking pictures, petting stray rabbits, eating foriegn foods, making unmade music."

"Then why don't you?"

"I already told you. I can't move as fast. They are already too ahead. And besides, look at what I'm already doing inside of here. I got to keep all this in-tact."

"I don't know. Looks like you might smash it all soon."

"I will one day. When the times right. It's not time yet."

When you have all that you want...

It's 5:10 am. I am up.
The noise trails of cars race by my apartment, following the hush of street trees.
Reading Heavenly Man, yet again, has humbled me.

One day I will die. And you will too.
What is this life that we waste on distractions and frivolous notoriety?
"meaningless! meaningless! says the teacher."

Living in Los Angeles, I've become accustomed to:

1. Making sure to not wait in line.
2. Always finding a way to try out the latest hot spots.
3. Keeping: good grades, a most supportive boyfriend, and physical/social attentiveness

It is a thrill, to always have everything you want. Have everything you want.
Apartment on the west side with plenty of parking. Art Director Boyfriend who does work for high profile companies and clientele. The ability to: edit film, write papers, read books, dance, analyze, business forecast, market, counsel, write curriculum, do bible study, cook, find deals, photoshop/finalcut/protools, stopmotion.So much food in the fridge that it spoils within a week. I use sprigs of Basil, from my Basil plant, not the dry stuff. Saffron to color and flavor rice. I work out for free at UCLA's gym, and use their saunas / showers. Eat out: Allora in Weho. Bottega in DT. Real Food in BH. Planet in SM. Sandwiches on Larchmont. Sprinkles. Lawrys. Flemings. Taurino. Tasca. RoadtoSeoul. Phoenix.Kogi. Pinks.Unagi.Pacos.Blue Marlin.Novel.Intelligensia.Cashbah.Private Lofts.Lofty prices.Fashion shows.Benefits.Les Deux/ Citizen/Green Door/etc. HotelCafe.MagicCastle.RevoLA.Shepard Fairy. Shakira.Melrose. JetRag.Goodwill.944. GOOD.Freedom and Fashion...

My boyfriend is the almost perfect boyfriend in existence. Only Jesus is my perfect boyfriend.I have supportive parents, who don't beat me (anymore at least). I love my church small group. I have friends. I have more than most, and I know it.

I dont want any of this if that is all there is to life.
There will always be this insatiable appetite for more, if I choose to worship myself.
Me.Me.Me.Me.Me.

I humbly ask you my fellow brother/sister in Christ (if you're reading this), to keep me in prayer. I want to use all that He has blessed me with for His glory, to expand His kingdom, and show His love to many who are hurting or not realizing His love.

My friend just emailed me today about how one of our FnF team members accepted Christ.
And again, I was reminded.


The journey and fight is not about me.
It's about Jesus Christ, and my life isn't over yet.

before a fall

when withering leaves becomes of me
will you see?
a fine autumn day
aerial shots
black caps, black suits, black boots
paying homage to the great
let down
the box into the soil
among petitions of others
for reality to not set in

down goes the great
back to dust

come along all!
let arise the one
holding keys

all hail!
gates of hell
will not prevail, prevail, prevail.

a few months equals life changed.

it's almost 5am.
these past 6-7 months has been killer.
i never knew how big freedom and fashion would get.
the lord is good.

new season of healing for many.
including me.


jhplusbk to come soon.
post show of course.


back to work.
see you guys at the show this thursday. dont be late!

Of Worry and Paradigm Shifts

it's been a while hasn't it? i wonder if blogging less means im being productive in real time. perhaps.

i don't know what to make of this post. a friend of mine started a new blog called "steveleeismeantome", a daily musing consisting of fml moments to which i thought mildly brilliant. i say mildly for now and will conclude it either rubbish or brilliant after a few more posts. yea i said rubbish. sterilized trash is less offensive, at least in my world.

besides the never ending white noise of commuters, it's relatively quiet in my apartment. against the busyness outside, i am left immobile to thoughts - a worrisome creature i am. some say it's necessary for the execution of tasks. others say it leads to ulcers and a horrible attitude in life. cross hatched leaves droop above our balcony reminding that even trees are taken care of.

it is well it is well within my soul. even ants smashed by my roomie's hands show of wrath deserving, yet i am spared when i curse another soul. why is this? this morning, i read on the topic of grace. this past year i've come to a deeper understand of it. it's remarkable to think that paradigms do shift, often unknowingly to the person in them. i knew i lived under grace before, but to what degree? the revelation of God's love for me and the frailty of who i am is humbling.

so for the most of you out there, i've been working with a fantastic team to host a fashion show in the fall. every single day has been a challenge in one way or another. the team is now about 20 strong, yet i always wonder how it will all pan out in the end. i only know to walk by faith for now.

...in the end, all that glitters will fade. more than fame and wealth, i want to leave an impression in the heavenlies.

God be my everything.

tightrope

i will not cop out.
i will not make fashion over jesus.
i will not make cause over jesus.
i will not make emotions over jesus.

i love you jesus.
only you changed my heart and saved me from years of abuse
and pain.

keep me grounded lord because i can't do this without you.

I am loved; I am thankful

i am back, fresh to death droppin on this spot. welcome back welcome back to the wee hours of late night musings.
what's a goin on?

so much it's elephant-sized or more.

where to begin...started student teaching at both a middle and high school, almost cried at seeing how much they've improved in writing essays withing two months, started helping out with FNF, i dont know.. life is just so fantastic.

every morning i awake to a disgruntled body in want of safety between comforter sheets; i fight to get up and out. but God has been doing a number on my conscience and discipline issues. (by the way, much kudos and 'ppreciation to those who have been praying for me about that). never in all of my 20 something years have i been so disciplined. God challenged me to spend time with him right when i wake up (the space between numbness and fleshy desires at its peak) and right before i say adieu to the day and enter into oblivion. it's been about two months since and there is a definate change. remember my previous posts of how busy i was? well... that has increased.. yet my peace and joy in life has also increased all the more. i love teaching these crazy 7th and 9th graders. i love my roommate. i love my friends. i love my church. i love FNF and all its members. i love helping out with UCLA's fashion show. i love the hot weather, the amazing eateries in west la / hollywood / la cienga /santa monica. i love the chill joints in downtown. i love stopping by echo park and grabbing an organic kombacha juice with custom made burrito at tribal cafe. i love that my friend brett always invites me to the echoplex even though i never get to go (but we shall!). i love it that i met people like jeanne and joanne who love art and music and jesus. i love running for free at the wooden. i love going to fashion shows, art shows in olavera street, homemade filipino curry, beach cruzin on venice beach passing a trillion people while talking to alex about how we can raise funds to give children laptops, i love salsa (though i suck), love getting an interview with daniel franco, collaborating with Giving Children Hope and Not For Sale, i love Phoenix and their music, i love willo's rebukes (sometimes), daniel's patience, nart's networking advice, ian's guidance on project execution, yen ling's event planning tips, enoch's prayers, kevin's pure friendship, caroline's supportive attitude, danny's fellowship, stephanie's heart for the broken, matt's late night invitations for tea and cake at korean cafes in downtown (ha), karen's artsy loves, and everything about LA (except the traffic), catherine's i miss yous, gina's vatoloco vmails, reggie's fake disgust when embraced, gloabl-minded people, so many talented people everywhere, so much to learn from...

in all things.. whether rich or poor or with much or little.. i shall be content...

for now.. i know i have much and am not complaining. the only part i've really changed is spending more time with Jesus.... and tah-dah, something has shifted.


Thank you God. You said You will pull me through the months of hell and You did.
You challenged me to spend more time with you and now I realize why.

Everything is still the same in some sense... I think I have changed as a person.

And still changing...

:0)

entrapments never package itself as sin

it gets harder as i get older..
the more you know the harder to believe.

the artist's life is a risky one.
lost in the trances of emotion
pretty spirals and curly cues.


getta chick confused sometimes.


focusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocus

Continuum of Misery Turning into GLORY

This is Bonnie speaking: So today was a crappy day. Clipped my new car (just got it last month) on a brick ledge (door is slightly bent in, and white gash), didn't do so well teaching the kids (forgot they read the article already and I told them we were gong to "finish it), got reassigned in a job im doing (and i was so excited to do the other job too), was bombarded with thoughts of past relationships gone sour, drank some juice in the fridge (it tasted weird but exp. date was 4/09/09) and know it was bad juice bc now I can't concentrate on lesson planning due to nausea...


Im thinking.. in light of my last post on my blog.. and Pastor Adam's sermon.. when crappy things happen..

God, how can you be glorified in all this? God, you can make even the most crappiest of situation an opportunity to say " I am so blessed. I have so much. I am thankful."

And it's true. I feel so entitled to so much. Entitlement is America's plight! I am entitled to anything, yet I have so much--I have a car, I'm going to a school to teach at with a friend as my guiding teacher (and I go in at 1pm everyday while everyone goes in at 8am), I get to participate in the event (and get in for free), I've had a chance to love, to be loved, and to learn about my character, and I can always remember not to drink weird tasting juice (and buy good juice asap!).


Thank you Jesus. You will turn my mourning into dancing. You will show me how powerful you are in light of these "inconveniences".


Every thought turns into an action. Be wary of how long we want to deal on thoughts of defeat or condemnation.

I rebuke that in Jesus' name!

A Series of Fortunate Unfortunate Events

Perspective determines everything. What is this "everything" I speak of? Well, basically, what the word entails. All that encompasses life, meaning, effort, blah! I had a dream the other night. Someone told me in the dream "An angel of the Lord was sent to you to bother you". This was after all the series of unfornate occurnaces in my recent life.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 1:

I was studying at Covel's study area @ UCLA. I left my blackberry phone. And left the premise (since they close at 2am). I realized this grave mistake, went back, was told they locked up the place, wanted to smack the worker girl for her lack of care for my precious organizer of my life that was left alone in that cold and unwelcoming room. After revisiting Covel trice, calling four times, the realization set in that I wasn't going to get my precious phone back. Feeling very anxious and discombobulated, I wondered what was I do to... pray... I prayed that I would get it back. But I didn't. So I wondered what the point of this situation was. Strangly enough, I was challeneged to choose a different perspective. I started thanking God for the freedom of not having emails / texts / calls / aims / bbchatmessages /facebook status distractions running my life. And for a week, I did not have a phone, and I felt so free. IN addition, I did get a new phone for free, from my dad. He surprised me with a sidekick (oh how sidekicks will never depart from me) and we ate dinner for the first time together in downtown a few days ago. I love the sidekick. It suits me so much better than a blackberry. God is amazing. He knows best.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 2:

The next day, I went back to Covel (why, I dont know), and ate some soup. A few hours later, I woke up at 2am making myself friendly with the toilet. I was blowing my nose and there was blood. hmm okay. Food poisoned and miserable, I thought to myself "woe's me, this dreadful occurance." I went back to sleep, and woke up at 7am feeling like acid was bubbling in my tummy. Deciding to head for the emergency room (yea, it was bad enough). Driving on Pico bld nauseated and miserable, I pulled over and threw up along the road. ugh. So miserable. Then as I headed back to UCLA's hospital, another thought challeneged me. "How can you change your perspective in this situaiton?" WIth that, praises came out of my mouth even thought I didnt "feel" like saying them. "Thank you God for a car to go to the ER with. Thank you God for the hospital that I can go to" etc. It was oddly enough..very refreshing. Upon entering the hospital, they put an iv into me, pumped some fluids and drugs. And I was okay after a few hours.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 3:

After that day, I was planning the meals for the CSC retreat, thinking to leave right away to the grocery store (since I had to carpool within 2 hours)... when I recieve a call from the UPS man outside who wanted me to open up the gate. He had a package for MY NEIGHBOR but decided to call my apt instead since he couldn't get a hold of her. So, still talking with him on the phone, I walk out take the package, drop it off at my neighbor's door and come back to the closed door of my LOCKED apt. I didn't have anyone's number (phone got stolen), and didn't remember anyone's number. So... after being pretty pissed... again... an opportunity to change my thoughts! So, looking at the sun, I started with "It's such a beautiful day today. God thank you that it is a beautiful day, and everything is under control." I'm not going to lie, it was still very annoying. I have people waiting for me (carpool) and I didn't even start shopping for the food. I walk to my neighbor's apt (the one where I left the package at the door) and knocked. She let me in, let me use her internet, I got a hold of my roommate and called her. SHe was in Corona and wasn't going to be back until after the weekend. Great. So I call the manager and they came later...BUT the point was... I met my neighbor and she surfs. and does computer website programming, and snowboards, and GAH! She is amazing! I ended up being extremely happy that I got locked out so I met this wonderful new friend! I might ask her to design the Freedom and Fashion website! We'll seee. For now, we're going to be surfing together. yay!


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 4:

The CSC retreat was amazing. The beach house was posh, and we had breakfast facing the ocean waves everyday. We did devos in the sand. Le sigh. Everything was going amazing, until I slept wrong and cramped my neck. I couldn't move it to the right. It was so bothersome that my head started hurting. This lasted for two days even after the retreat. I was so miserable again... and yes... as you might have guessed.. the disicplining of emotions, and replacing it with gratitude.. "God thank you that I can get through this physical misery. Thank you ...etc." And not surprisingly, it didn't bother me that much. In addition, last night while driving to the Music Box with enoch, he prayed for healing and 98% percent of the pain left! How wonderful our God is.


POINT OF THESE FORTUNATE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS:

The mind is indeed a battlefield. We have the ability to use any situation to praise God and endure the hardship as disicpline or to complain and live in misery for the entitlement that we aren't reciving. It's really astonishing how much a person can endure once they choose to change their perspective. And it's all about choice. The choice to be thankful!

God is a crazy teacher of sorts. He has been teaching me disicpline for the past few months, but these recent happenings have been a "boot camp experience. Thank you Jesus. You are freaking awesome and you love love love love me so much. yay!

Hark for Ages, Be Courageous

It's 5:00am and I am in need of sleep. Sleep deprivation makes for a very irritable morning. Laying down my head at midnight, I was kidding myself when I thought sleep would easily come upon me. So after two hours of unsettling thoughts keeping me from my well deserved rest, I decided for productivity instead. Finished cleaning up the room, organizing some materials for tomorrow, contemplating if I should log onto Facebook (okay, that's not productive, and I did cave), reading, rationalizing certain thoughts...

On that note. When does performance outweigh character? I find it very morbidly fascinating to see those who have the amazing ability to influence, to lead, to shape the nature of human's frail minds into courage, lead dual lives. Of course, people are not without sin; we all fall short. But when there is such a stark contrast between loving the stranger and loving the close ones.. it boggles my mind. Could I argue that loving the stranger is actually easier at times? The stranger is not aware of the lover's shortcomings...yet. And when the stranger becomes close enough to be a close one, they are no longer recognized as deserving the love that a stranger deserves. I have observed those with charisma, talent, even spiritual gifts, overlook the aspect of personal moral character, thinking that their service to mankind suffices. Obedience is better than sacrifice, and rebellion is like sorcery says the Word. I believe God delights in a person listening and obeying His directions more than what we can offer. To offer our own ideas of sacrifice is in essence prideful and a perversion of truth. His ways are much higher than our ways, and the results of our actions has consequences. In comparison, I find it exceptionally laudable when meeting those who challenge themselves transparently. Even if their vices are gruesomely honest before a critical public, it is honest. And when they expose their vulnerability, it is then that healing takes place. Others, who may be struggling are also surprised to find that they aren't fighting it alone.

This sounds harsh, and maybe it is. But truth was never suppose to feed into the lies of entitlement. I am not entitled to live a double life, and maybe that is why often times I feel very alone in being this way. Often I feel a bit frightful exposing myself so much via blogging. But, it keeps me level-headed and gives an opportunity for what reality means to me. I am full of shortcomings. I am fearful of things. I am lost in thoughts many a times.

But this is who I am and I refuse to not deal with areas in my life that bring pain to myself and to others.
And when I meet people who understand this (even attempts at it), I want to take their hand, shake it,
and say "teach me".

A Wayward Heart Comes Home

What can I say but be stilled by the grace God has shown me. For the past few days, I've attended the Jesus Generation Conference held by Blessed church. Various speakers spoke so much truth into my life. Prayer warriors at the bottom of the stage prayed for me extensively, prophesied many convicting words of knowledge and of the future. I was left in tears of repentance knowing that God was and still by my side all this time.

I don't know exactly what it is, but I am for certain that 2009 is going to be a very life changing year. Aside from the fact that I will be a salaried teacher by fall, there is a air of freshness equipping me for new beginnings and greater expectations. After being prayed for (I was like Jacob, wrestling for God's blessings and healing until I got it, haha) I felt so free, so liberated from all the months of mental turmoil I was enduring. Many of you know from my emotional instabilities (even more so than usual) I was going through a very dark period of my life. Every morning a new breed of negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and sharp stings pervaded my mind. Questions of "how" or "why" bothered any sanity I held onto. It was obessessive compulsicve thinking to say the least. But by the end of the week, the power of the Holy Spirit took over this crippled mind and challenged it to faith. I was so blind to the truth of God's love and soveringty. I was being oppressed extensively and didn't even know it. God kept telling me that "times of refreshing are soon to come". I was waiting and waiting and waiting... night after night after night after night. Le mes.

When you're living in a life of compromise (in the sense of rebellion, not out of ignorance), you are asking to be enslaved to confusion and dissatisfaction. As for me, I still didn't realized the depth of bitterness I held onto inside. Even reading the bible, often words will be read through the lens of a person's heart. That is why it is crucial to come empty and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when reading the scripture. The other night I was reading "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love" (John 15:10). I was more annoyed than encouraged. I analyzed this verse and thought "So, okay God, then your love is conditional, since I have to do things for you."

But, the heart is truly deceptive... My heart, at that time was filled with anger towards God. I did not "feel" His love. I did not want to acknowledge that He cared for me. And what it came down to was my own selfishness. If you truly think about it, if I profess to have faith in God, then why do I grumble when I don't get what I want? Lack of faith = faith in myself.

During the conference, people prayed certain words "give her a new heart" "God is giving you heart surgery" "Give her joy, take the pain away" "Help her to know that You are good" "Heal the pain in her heart" and more. I didn't tell any of these people what was going on in my life, and I don't believe I made any dramatic gestures during the prayer to give them clues as to what was going on. But time and time again, it always came down to the renewing of my heart. Finally, balling broken and unashamed, I told God how sorry I was for my lack of faith in Him.

Then, liberation.
It's interesting when I looked at the verse in John after the conference. I scribbled the prior mentioned markings on the margins of my bible. Next to it, I wrote "No, the reason why you obey God is because His directions are coming from a place of Love, not vice versa". It made complete sense to me. Without having a relationship based on love, you cannot trust. And without trust, there is no faith, since trust is faith. So, having no faith in God, basically meant, I wasn't living in His love, but doing whatever I pleased (and who am I to know what's best for me right? haha).

There are tons of other God moments, I'll write them up later. But for now,
I am soooo freee and happpppyyyyy!


God you are so good.
Jesus' blood never fails.

Discipline and Love

What has God been doing in my life as of recent... hmm. Let's see here.
"Waiting" and having "patience" has been a recurring theme for several weeks now. The more I struggle in life, the more I realize much about who I am; character flaws that were once unknowingly pushed under the rug are now screaming at me. I am very impatient (not a surprise to many of you). I don't know how to enjoy life without making it a task. I am extremely task-orientated, but also reliant on emotions (which is in essence a contradictory trait to being task-orientated). I am very unforgiving of myself when I fail, and don't know how to be okay in doing nothing. I've realized I picked up these character habits from those who were once close to me, or is close to me, and made them my own. I realized I'm always fighting against God when it comes to my calling-- teaching. I know, at least for this season in my life, I am to eat breathe live to teach. I know being a fashion designer will be exciting in it's initial beginnings, but will inevitably grind me into nothingness as I recognize the machine that controls it. I know once I see the eyes of impoverished youth sparkle with opportunities they've never known, I will say "This is worth it".

Why is God so simple and complex? Why am I so complex? Why does He continuously pursue me and "discipline those He loves". I hate to be disciplined. Who likes it right? I was reading the other day, "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11

So, all these character flaws... being uprooted... through discipline.
A painful process indeed, but I feel so much more free! and happy!
His cup is starting to overflow, or maybe it always has been overflowing and I was just unaware of it.

Man, 2009 is going to be great. I know it!