Hark for Ages, Be Courageous

It's 5:00am and I am in need of sleep. Sleep deprivation makes for a very irritable morning. Laying down my head at midnight, I was kidding myself when I thought sleep would easily come upon me. So after two hours of unsettling thoughts keeping me from my well deserved rest, I decided for productivity instead. Finished cleaning up the room, organizing some materials for tomorrow, contemplating if I should log onto Facebook (okay, that's not productive, and I did cave), reading, rationalizing certain thoughts...

On that note. When does performance outweigh character? I find it very morbidly fascinating to see those who have the amazing ability to influence, to lead, to shape the nature of human's frail minds into courage, lead dual lives. Of course, people are not without sin; we all fall short. But when there is such a stark contrast between loving the stranger and loving the close ones.. it boggles my mind. Could I argue that loving the stranger is actually easier at times? The stranger is not aware of the lover's shortcomings...yet. And when the stranger becomes close enough to be a close one, they are no longer recognized as deserving the love that a stranger deserves. I have observed those with charisma, talent, even spiritual gifts, overlook the aspect of personal moral character, thinking that their service to mankind suffices. Obedience is better than sacrifice, and rebellion is like sorcery says the Word. I believe God delights in a person listening and obeying His directions more than what we can offer. To offer our own ideas of sacrifice is in essence prideful and a perversion of truth. His ways are much higher than our ways, and the results of our actions has consequences. In comparison, I find it exceptionally laudable when meeting those who challenge themselves transparently. Even if their vices are gruesomely honest before a critical public, it is honest. And when they expose their vulnerability, it is then that healing takes place. Others, who may be struggling are also surprised to find that they aren't fighting it alone.

This sounds harsh, and maybe it is. But truth was never suppose to feed into the lies of entitlement. I am not entitled to live a double life, and maybe that is why often times I feel very alone in being this way. Often I feel a bit frightful exposing myself so much via blogging. But, it keeps me level-headed and gives an opportunity for what reality means to me. I am full of shortcomings. I am fearful of things. I am lost in thoughts many a times.

But this is who I am and I refuse to not deal with areas in my life that bring pain to myself and to others.
And when I meet people who understand this (even attempts at it), I want to take their hand, shake it,
and say "teach me".

Passion Church is a Loving Church

So recently, God has been convicting me about illegal software. I have about $3000.00 worth of illegal software in my new Mac. Yoochul asked me if one sin was different from another the other week, and I was truly convicted. I tried to fight it. I needed the software, I need to be making movies, etc. But do the ends justify the means? In this case, no.

I didn't know what to do. I told God that I'm struggling financially. I'm down to about $500.00 for the rest of November and December. Getting new software wasn't going to help the financial problems go away. But God wants obedience not sacrifice, so I proceeded to obey.

Then today i spoke with Brian Kho with passion church asking if he got in touch with his friend who worked at the computer section at UCLA. I wanted to see if there were any discounts available. He then replied, "Bonnie, Passion church bought the CS4 package you needed. I'll meet you sometime tomorrow to give it to you."

Speechless.

These guys were the same students who donated $100.00 to help me purchase my Macbook.

Why do you guys show so much of God's love?

This is grace.

Crazy Happenings with grace

The other day I was in class feeling very alone. Most of the people in there know that I am a Christian. I speak about my beliefs occasionally, enough for others to label me as "religious". Gosh, I hate that word. It's much like the difference between calling someone your "boyfriend" or calling them your "lover". Yea, both have characteristics of what attraction between two people may look like, but the latter signifies depth. Jesus Christ isn't a teacher who commands me to obey a set of beliefs and I am to damn other people if they aren't following. Jesus Christ loves me. And yes, I do have a relationship with God, where we have dialogue, where He tells me what the next best steps are, where He tells me the future about certain events and people. That is the difference between what "religiosity" and "relationship" is.

For the past few days God has been graciously blessing me, enough for me to see account it more than coincidence. Currently, I am student teaching at Belmont, an inner city school comprised of half of their students failing classes. As many know, I am involved with three ministries: Grace Korean Church Family Group co-Leading, Newsong LA small group, and Christian Students of Conscience (UCLA) Core training. In addition, juggling 20 units and 432084038 pages of reading I wonder where I find the time to socialized (thank God I do).

Christian Students of Conscience had a prayer meeting led by Professor Robert Romero (also a pastor at Newsong LA) on UCLA's campus. It is there where I met Jose Morales. Jose is also now part of CSC's core training group and we meet every Thursday in Culver City, joined with Newsong LA's JAC (Justice Advocacy Compassion) team.

The following few weeks My cohort adviser from UCLA told me to do my observation and 3-weeks of student teaching at Belmont High school. I saw that Belmont had the most need (lack of resources, funds, etc.) and recalled Won Kim (GKC's head pastor's son) telling me "Go to the school that is hardest to work in, and you'll learn more", and heeded his challenging advice.

Every Teacher Education Program student from UCLA has someone called a "guiding" teacher at the schools that they are observing/student teaching at. Well, amazingly, out of all the schools that I had a choice from in LAUSD, and out of all the teachers I could have been observing, I am in Jose Morales's room, my friend, and fellow CSC member. There is much grace upon my life because of this. I have the liberties of studying (catching up on readings) during my "observation time", coming in at an hour that would not severely deprive me of sleep, collaborating smoothly on lesson plans, have genuine conversations about our personal spiritual walks, etc. I was matched with JOSE! Because of this, there is more time allotted in the day to do other ministry works.

For instance, yesterday, I was leading worship and prayer with GKC small group and we ended up hanging out till 1am! If I was with another teacher, I'd be screwed because he/she would be on my case about not coming in at 8am.

The small group time was wonderful and well-needed for most of us (including myself). There were about 15 people in total, and 3 of them were newcomers from Santa Monica College. During prayer time, one of the girls shared her experience about some personal issues and felt that she was going "crazy". Anna and I looked at each other and thought the same "wow, we know exactly what she is going through." We had a change to minister to her and she felt so relieved. Later that night, our group went up to Bruin cafe to hang out, and the same girl talked about how she needed to do an interview for one of her classes. She spent the whole day asking faculty members if any of them had experience with the issues of human trafficking. Will Kim laughed and then told her that I had experience with that (Nightlight) and that that is currently a topic that God has put in my heart. She jumped up ecstatically, and shouted "Oh my gosh, you're exactly the person I need to interview, God is so good!" The crazier part is, I have been praying that God would continue to network me with those who have a heart for anti-human trafficking. Every week I am meeting one or two people, who want to get involved with this issue. Simply amazing.

Oh, yea and another act of grace. Most of you know that I wanted a Macbook so I can start doing the documentary (of which I will keep the subject confidential here but is related to the trafficking issue) and write / record music. I prayed that God would help me financially with getting a Macbook knowing that this will help me make music and movies for His purposes. I searched on craigslist for great deal, but to my dismay found none. UCLA's store was having a sale to get rid of the white 13inch macbooks. They were selling it for 899.99 (2.4ghz, etc) which was an excellent deal considering it had enough power and space to do some editing, and it was 300-400 dollars less than the new ones. But still, that was so much money for me (I bring 1-2 sacked lunch everyday to save money!). Brian Kho of passion church (simple churches, Jaeson Ma, Organic church network) called me and told me to wait at Ackerman book store because he had a gift for me. He was in his dorm (way north of campus), took the bus down, and skated to the bookstore just to meet and and give me a gift. I had told him about the documentary idea prior, and he and a few PC members grouped up and collected $100.00 for me. He said that he felt that this is something PC wants to support in, knowing that this documentary idea came from God. These are college students who don't have money, sometimes eating ramen for their dinners, and I was so humbled to see the love through sacrifice of finances. I don't even go to Passion Church! What the heck!!!??? I ended up paying about 800.00 for a new white macbook. Brian also told me he's going to give me his macbook cover, and a few others said they will help me to learn how to do flash (for CSC / SKYSUN web design) and such. God's grace overflows.


Sometimes I get caught up in my emotional / mind battles and I forget to see such grace.

Simply Amazing.


GOD THANK YOU.

Still.

I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do
I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do

Learn to seek your face
and in the knowledge of your grace,
I want to praise
you.

Birds in the sky
sing their songs to you
Trees in the field
lift their arms to you
I want to sing
I want to lift
my arms to
You.

A Good Friday

Today was a Good Friday.

With a lime colored towel covering my body, I sat looking ridiculous. But with a change or perspective, I'd say I was a trendy Muslim, but one who believes in Jesus Christ as my savior. And calls Allah "God," not "Allah". And doesn't read the Koran nor preaches anything from it. Okay, I would say I only looked like a trendy Muslim.... or strange middle eastern Asian woman.

A throbbing headache was the cause of my flaccid and ill-mannered composure. Picking up a green towel, I asked one of the women, "can I use this? I'm cold." She smiled and responded with "chai". Several girls twisted their bodies to observe at such a funny scene; I was too busy wrapping myself to care. Jeff, Annie's (the lead woman of NL) husband turned on the Passion of the Christ.

Thanks be to Mel Gibson for making this movie. Visual are so helpful in provoking deeper emotions. With that said, yes, I cried. The small living room was filled with reverberating cries. Each time Jesus (played by ??) uttered painful phrases, "I thirst" "Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?" the crying became more intense for me. I tried to shove the towel into my face to muffle the sound. This only made me look even more ridiculous.

For the past few days, God has been revealing a profound, yet simple truth. This notion of "grace" has been so abused by the church. I am speaking about the message of grace that is coupled with law. If grace is preached with the do's and don'ts of law, grace then becomes nullified. Understandably, grace isn't license to sin. However, the focus needs to be on grace first, not sin. Grace will inevitably bring people to flee from sin. God is teaching me to teach/speak/act with grace, not with law. I never knew I was one of those people who preached law, until I realized why I was so miserable for several months. I was held down by the works mentality and I was oblivious to it. I wasn't earning my salvation through works, I understood that, yet I was trying to be free from sin through works. That is a false teaching; this is not the gospel. No one is without sin. And focusing on the sin (whether to resolve it or not) will not get people to love God more.

It is God's kindness that leads to repentance. With that said, watching the Passion brought about a new revelation. It wasn't "I love God so much" but, "God, you loved me that much? Why?" Why God, did you have to suffer? Why do you love me so much?

The communion was passed, and for the first time in my life, eating the body that was broken and drinking the blood became so powerful to me. It took hold of the deeper parts of me, the place where love understands and love resides. This place is where God wanted to captivate for all these months I was living in condemnation. No work, or lofty thing can set itself against the God who chases the human heart.

And for the time being, I am enjoying being chased after.