A Series of Fortunate Unfortunate Events

Perspective determines everything. What is this "everything" I speak of? Well, basically, what the word entails. All that encompasses life, meaning, effort, blah! I had a dream the other night. Someone told me in the dream "An angel of the Lord was sent to you to bother you". This was after all the series of unfornate occurnaces in my recent life.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 1:

I was studying at Covel's study area @ UCLA. I left my blackberry phone. And left the premise (since they close at 2am). I realized this grave mistake, went back, was told they locked up the place, wanted to smack the worker girl for her lack of care for my precious organizer of my life that was left alone in that cold and unwelcoming room. After revisiting Covel trice, calling four times, the realization set in that I wasn't going to get my precious phone back. Feeling very anxious and discombobulated, I wondered what was I do to... pray... I prayed that I would get it back. But I didn't. So I wondered what the point of this situation was. Strangly enough, I was challeneged to choose a different perspective. I started thanking God for the freedom of not having emails / texts / calls / aims / bbchatmessages /facebook status distractions running my life. And for a week, I did not have a phone, and I felt so free. IN addition, I did get a new phone for free, from my dad. He surprised me with a sidekick (oh how sidekicks will never depart from me) and we ate dinner for the first time together in downtown a few days ago. I love the sidekick. It suits me so much better than a blackberry. God is amazing. He knows best.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 2:

The next day, I went back to Covel (why, I dont know), and ate some soup. A few hours later, I woke up at 2am making myself friendly with the toilet. I was blowing my nose and there was blood. hmm okay. Food poisoned and miserable, I thought to myself "woe's me, this dreadful occurance." I went back to sleep, and woke up at 7am feeling like acid was bubbling in my tummy. Deciding to head for the emergency room (yea, it was bad enough). Driving on Pico bld nauseated and miserable, I pulled over and threw up along the road. ugh. So miserable. Then as I headed back to UCLA's hospital, another thought challeneged me. "How can you change your perspective in this situaiton?" WIth that, praises came out of my mouth even thought I didnt "feel" like saying them. "Thank you God for a car to go to the ER with. Thank you God for the hospital that I can go to" etc. It was oddly enough..very refreshing. Upon entering the hospital, they put an iv into me, pumped some fluids and drugs. And I was okay after a few hours.


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 3:

After that day, I was planning the meals for the CSC retreat, thinking to leave right away to the grocery store (since I had to carpool within 2 hours)... when I recieve a call from the UPS man outside who wanted me to open up the gate. He had a package for MY NEIGHBOR but decided to call my apt instead since he couldn't get a hold of her. So, still talking with him on the phone, I walk out take the package, drop it off at my neighbor's door and come back to the closed door of my LOCKED apt. I didn't have anyone's number (phone got stolen), and didn't remember anyone's number. So... after being pretty pissed... again... an opportunity to change my thoughts! So, looking at the sun, I started with "It's such a beautiful day today. God thank you that it is a beautiful day, and everything is under control." I'm not going to lie, it was still very annoying. I have people waiting for me (carpool) and I didn't even start shopping for the food. I walk to my neighbor's apt (the one where I left the package at the door) and knocked. She let me in, let me use her internet, I got a hold of my roommate and called her. SHe was in Corona and wasn't going to be back until after the weekend. Great. So I call the manager and they came later...BUT the point was... I met my neighbor and she surfs. and does computer website programming, and snowboards, and GAH! She is amazing! I ended up being extremely happy that I got locked out so I met this wonderful new friend! I might ask her to design the Freedom and Fashion website! We'll seee. For now, we're going to be surfing together. yay!


Fortunate Unfortunate Event 4:

The CSC retreat was amazing. The beach house was posh, and we had breakfast facing the ocean waves everyday. We did devos in the sand. Le sigh. Everything was going amazing, until I slept wrong and cramped my neck. I couldn't move it to the right. It was so bothersome that my head started hurting. This lasted for two days even after the retreat. I was so miserable again... and yes... as you might have guessed.. the disicplining of emotions, and replacing it with gratitude.. "God thank you that I can get through this physical misery. Thank you ...etc." And not surprisingly, it didn't bother me that much. In addition, last night while driving to the Music Box with enoch, he prayed for healing and 98% percent of the pain left! How wonderful our God is.


POINT OF THESE FORTUNATE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS:

The mind is indeed a battlefield. We have the ability to use any situation to praise God and endure the hardship as disicpline or to complain and live in misery for the entitlement that we aren't reciving. It's really astonishing how much a person can endure once they choose to change their perspective. And it's all about choice. The choice to be thankful!

God is a crazy teacher of sorts. He has been teaching me disicpline for the past few months, but these recent happenings have been a "boot camp experience. Thank you Jesus. You are freaking awesome and you love love love love me so much. yay!

Discipline and Love

What has God been doing in my life as of recent... hmm. Let's see here.
"Waiting" and having "patience" has been a recurring theme for several weeks now. The more I struggle in life, the more I realize much about who I am; character flaws that were once unknowingly pushed under the rug are now screaming at me. I am very impatient (not a surprise to many of you). I don't know how to enjoy life without making it a task. I am extremely task-orientated, but also reliant on emotions (which is in essence a contradictory trait to being task-orientated). I am very unforgiving of myself when I fail, and don't know how to be okay in doing nothing. I've realized I picked up these character habits from those who were once close to me, or is close to me, and made them my own. I realized I'm always fighting against God when it comes to my calling-- teaching. I know, at least for this season in my life, I am to eat breathe live to teach. I know being a fashion designer will be exciting in it's initial beginnings, but will inevitably grind me into nothingness as I recognize the machine that controls it. I know once I see the eyes of impoverished youth sparkle with opportunities they've never known, I will say "This is worth it".

Why is God so simple and complex? Why am I so complex? Why does He continuously pursue me and "discipline those He loves". I hate to be disciplined. Who likes it right? I was reading the other day, "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11

So, all these character flaws... being uprooted... through discipline.
A painful process indeed, but I feel so much more free! and happy!
His cup is starting to overflow, or maybe it always has been overflowing and I was just unaware of it.

Man, 2009 is going to be great. I know it!

Broken

Today was when it hit me... hard.

Walking into the strip bar... seeing the show, where two girls started taking off their clothes.. then crawling around like animals. The men's eyes glazed with numbness... Usually, when going into the bars, my heart was somewhat apathetic, at numerous times. It didn't hit me, because I've seen sex being glamorized, so what's another sex show right, we see enough in movies?

Well.. for some reason, tonight I started crying. I wasn't a whaling buffoon, but just silent tears of heartache exposed a deeper part of me. A friend comforted me and said not to let the challenges get to me. But it wasn't because I felt an empty sorrow for the girls. It was because I knew what they were feeling. I knew how it feels to be exposed and feel cheap of a person, a commodity. I knew what they were feeling.. and yet they had to keep going... but I had the freedom to walk out of the bar. And I did.

I don't think I can ever look at sex the same way that I did before. Growing up, being exposed to so much, (even in my English literature courses, there were tons of sexual jokes/stories/etc.) sex meant power. Seduction was control. It was wrong, immoral, but hey, that was the part of the world that didn't get compassion from me.

But tonight was the breaking point, and now I understand why God brought me here.


God you are the Healer.
Solei Deo Gloria.

New Places, New Faces

I recommend reading "The Heavenly Man" by Paul Hattaway. It's seriously a book that every Christian (or non-believer) should read. I think I cried several times while reading the book. It humbled me so much to see how many of our Christian brethren suffered so much persecution, and truly lived out the gospel, while many cultural Christians live in so much compromise and don't take the word seriously.

You must read it to understand what I am talking about. It's not a fictious book, but the accounts of a true missionary. He really does exists, because his mentor "Xu" prayed for me last year in a small meeting back at my friend Joyce's house. I didn't read the book till now, and realized that "Xu" was the same one written in the book!

It's still strange being here in Bangkok. I feel as if my life has totally changed. It almost seems as if I'm staying here for good. Being away from my nest, I have to deal with two opposing desires within me; A part of me hates feeling alone, and the other recognizes that it is good. God told me early last year that he was going to "shift" me or "move" me somewhere. There were more confirmations of this as I read about Abram's call to go "south". In addition, others would pray and prophesize that I would "see new places, new faces" and other details which I cannot mention here. So, all this time I thought I was going to New York. But, of course that wasn't it.

Now after being at Grace Korean Church for 13 years, I have moved churches to Newsong. I didn't want to go to Newsong, but interestingly, during summer last year, my pastor friend would pray for me, and she prophesized "I don't know what this means, but God is going to put a New Song on you mouth." I didn't know what that meant either. My friend Tammy also prayed "God put a New song on her mouth" and it was very strange to me. I thought the prophesies was talking about music. So without a proper waiting on the Lord, I joined GKC's praise team, and struggled miserably (because of my lack of vocal range). God showed me that He wasn't blessing my choice, therefore, I stepped down (the 2nd time in 3 years!). So, around December, I was still confused about those prophesies. Understanding that "new song" in the bible is about renewal, obviously, something different, I kept waiting on the Lord.

Then in Janurary, I attened Newsong church in north orange county for the first time. During the third visit, I asked the Lord, "God, if you want me to stay here, give me a confirmation today." The worship team started playing that song "Put a new song on my mouth, of praise to you...". I was stunned. They played it once more during the reflection time. With this, I felt it was confirmation that I am supposed to stay at Newsong church.

So, after being at Newsong NOC for one month, I am "shifted" again to Bangkok, Thailand. I had told the Lord during my college year that there would be at least 3 months dedicated to Him after I was done with schooling. Interesting my friend called me around late last year and asked a simple question: "Did you promise God something?" I had gotten into a new relationship, and was trying to negotiate with the Lord, "God, you know I can still serve you later right? I need the time to develop this relationship" Of course, God's timing is always right, and He doesn't like to deal with our disobedience. (And He takes our promises serously). Therefore, He sent a nice messagner to remind me of my promise.

When she asked me, I replied with "Yea, to go on missions."

"Where?"
"Bangkok."
"What country is that in again?"
"Thailand"
"Oh, that just gave me chills."
"Why?"
"When I asked you 'where' the first country that came into mind was Thailand."

With that, I told my mother to help me book a flight. Now I am here in Bangkok, learning so much about humility, God's grace, and healing. I am seeing "new faces, new places." I am attending Newsong Bangkok, and serving on the worship team! "Put a new song on my mouth" indeed! Even more exciting, my vocal range has changed while being here. I can actually hit some of the harder notes and the low octaves have gotten richer. Tis strange, but I believe with God's timing, the impossible is possible.

Now, after being here for about a month and a half, I am learning about what it means to feel like and "outsider". Even being in California, I felt that way many of times. However, yesterday' sermon was on being an "outsider" yet understanding, that thee way humans were made, was to be somewhere else. The bible speaks of past prophets and those God called to do His work. They felt much like outcasts many of times.

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Heb 11:13-16 (NKJV)

Also in 1Peter, we are encouraged with:

Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul, having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.

1 Pe 2:11-12 (NKJV)

Now with that, within a few months, I will be "shifted" again to Los Angeles.God keeps reminding me about heaven, and that in this life, I will feel very out of place many of times (and it's completely normal too). In Los Angeles, I hope to get graduate housing (at the Weyburn Terrace) and room with my friend Yen Ling. Does this mean I will be moving to Newsong LA? Who knows. I don't why God wants me to be affliated with Newsong church. It's actually a bit difficult for me, considering at times I feel that NS focuses heavily on social work, and not enough on disicpleship and prayer. Perhaps maybe that's why I am there? I am the eye, that needs the hand, that needs the eye?

"New places, new faces." God is putting many new songs in my mouth. Can I sing them all and not get exhausted? Please keep me in prayer about this.