tightrope

i will not cop out.
i will not make fashion over jesus.
i will not make cause over jesus.
i will not make emotions over jesus.

i love you jesus.
only you changed my heart and saved me from years of abuse
and pain.

keep me grounded lord because i can't do this without you.

Passion Church is a Loving Church

So recently, God has been convicting me about illegal software. I have about $3000.00 worth of illegal software in my new Mac. Yoochul asked me if one sin was different from another the other week, and I was truly convicted. I tried to fight it. I needed the software, I need to be making movies, etc. But do the ends justify the means? In this case, no.

I didn't know what to do. I told God that I'm struggling financially. I'm down to about $500.00 for the rest of November and December. Getting new software wasn't going to help the financial problems go away. But God wants obedience not sacrifice, so I proceeded to obey.

Then today i spoke with Brian Kho with passion church asking if he got in touch with his friend who worked at the computer section at UCLA. I wanted to see if there were any discounts available. He then replied, "Bonnie, Passion church bought the CS4 package you needed. I'll meet you sometime tomorrow to give it to you."

Speechless.

These guys were the same students who donated $100.00 to help me purchase my Macbook.

Why do you guys show so much of God's love?

This is grace.

Broken

Today was when it hit me... hard.

Walking into the strip bar... seeing the show, where two girls started taking off their clothes.. then crawling around like animals. The men's eyes glazed with numbness... Usually, when going into the bars, my heart was somewhat apathetic, at numerous times. It didn't hit me, because I've seen sex being glamorized, so what's another sex show right, we see enough in movies?

Well.. for some reason, tonight I started crying. I wasn't a whaling buffoon, but just silent tears of heartache exposed a deeper part of me. A friend comforted me and said not to let the challenges get to me. But it wasn't because I felt an empty sorrow for the girls. It was because I knew what they were feeling. I knew how it feels to be exposed and feel cheap of a person, a commodity. I knew what they were feeling.. and yet they had to keep going... but I had the freedom to walk out of the bar. And I did.

I don't think I can ever look at sex the same way that I did before. Growing up, being exposed to so much, (even in my English literature courses, there were tons of sexual jokes/stories/etc.) sex meant power. Seduction was control. It was wrong, immoral, but hey, that was the part of the world that didn't get compassion from me.

But tonight was the breaking point, and now I understand why God brought me here.


God you are the Healer.
Solei Deo Gloria.

A Good Friday

Today was a Good Friday.

With a lime colored towel covering my body, I sat looking ridiculous. But with a change or perspective, I'd say I was a trendy Muslim, but one who believes in Jesus Christ as my savior. And calls Allah "God," not "Allah". And doesn't read the Koran nor preaches anything from it. Okay, I would say I only looked like a trendy Muslim.... or strange middle eastern Asian woman.

A throbbing headache was the cause of my flaccid and ill-mannered composure. Picking up a green towel, I asked one of the women, "can I use this? I'm cold." She smiled and responded with "chai". Several girls twisted their bodies to observe at such a funny scene; I was too busy wrapping myself to care. Jeff, Annie's (the lead woman of NL) husband turned on the Passion of the Christ.

Thanks be to Mel Gibson for making this movie. Visual are so helpful in provoking deeper emotions. With that said, yes, I cried. The small living room was filled with reverberating cries. Each time Jesus (played by ??) uttered painful phrases, "I thirst" "Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?" the crying became more intense for me. I tried to shove the towel into my face to muffle the sound. This only made me look even more ridiculous.

For the past few days, God has been revealing a profound, yet simple truth. This notion of "grace" has been so abused by the church. I am speaking about the message of grace that is coupled with law. If grace is preached with the do's and don'ts of law, grace then becomes nullified. Understandably, grace isn't license to sin. However, the focus needs to be on grace first, not sin. Grace will inevitably bring people to flee from sin. God is teaching me to teach/speak/act with grace, not with law. I never knew I was one of those people who preached law, until I realized why I was so miserable for several months. I was held down by the works mentality and I was oblivious to it. I wasn't earning my salvation through works, I understood that, yet I was trying to be free from sin through works. That is a false teaching; this is not the gospel. No one is without sin. And focusing on the sin (whether to resolve it or not) will not get people to love God more.

It is God's kindness that leads to repentance. With that said, watching the Passion brought about a new revelation. It wasn't "I love God so much" but, "God, you loved me that much? Why?" Why God, did you have to suffer? Why do you love me so much?

The communion was passed, and for the first time in my life, eating the body that was broken and drinking the blood became so powerful to me. It took hold of the deeper parts of me, the place where love understands and love resides. This place is where God wanted to captivate for all these months I was living in condemnation. No work, or lofty thing can set itself against the God who chases the human heart.

And for the time being, I am enjoying being chased after.