New Places, New Faces

I recommend reading "The Heavenly Man" by Paul Hattaway. It's seriously a book that every Christian (or non-believer) should read. I think I cried several times while reading the book. It humbled me so much to see how many of our Christian brethren suffered so much persecution, and truly lived out the gospel, while many cultural Christians live in so much compromise and don't take the word seriously.

You must read it to understand what I am talking about. It's not a fictious book, but the accounts of a true missionary. He really does exists, because his mentor "Xu" prayed for me last year in a small meeting back at my friend Joyce's house. I didn't read the book till now, and realized that "Xu" was the same one written in the book!

It's still strange being here in Bangkok. I feel as if my life has totally changed. It almost seems as if I'm staying here for good. Being away from my nest, I have to deal with two opposing desires within me; A part of me hates feeling alone, and the other recognizes that it is good. God told me early last year that he was going to "shift" me or "move" me somewhere. There were more confirmations of this as I read about Abram's call to go "south". In addition, others would pray and prophesize that I would "see new places, new faces" and other details which I cannot mention here. So, all this time I thought I was going to New York. But, of course that wasn't it.

Now after being at Grace Korean Church for 13 years, I have moved churches to Newsong. I didn't want to go to Newsong, but interestingly, during summer last year, my pastor friend would pray for me, and she prophesized "I don't know what this means, but God is going to put a New Song on you mouth." I didn't know what that meant either. My friend Tammy also prayed "God put a New song on her mouth" and it was very strange to me. I thought the prophesies was talking about music. So without a proper waiting on the Lord, I joined GKC's praise team, and struggled miserably (because of my lack of vocal range). God showed me that He wasn't blessing my choice, therefore, I stepped down (the 2nd time in 3 years!). So, around December, I was still confused about those prophesies. Understanding that "new song" in the bible is about renewal, obviously, something different, I kept waiting on the Lord.

Then in Janurary, I attened Newsong church in north orange county for the first time. During the third visit, I asked the Lord, "God, if you want me to stay here, give me a confirmation today." The worship team started playing that song "Put a new song on my mouth, of praise to you...". I was stunned. They played it once more during the reflection time. With this, I felt it was confirmation that I am supposed to stay at Newsong church.

So, after being at Newsong NOC for one month, I am "shifted" again to Bangkok, Thailand. I had told the Lord during my college year that there would be at least 3 months dedicated to Him after I was done with schooling. Interesting my friend called me around late last year and asked a simple question: "Did you promise God something?" I had gotten into a new relationship, and was trying to negotiate with the Lord, "God, you know I can still serve you later right? I need the time to develop this relationship" Of course, God's timing is always right, and He doesn't like to deal with our disobedience. (And He takes our promises serously). Therefore, He sent a nice messagner to remind me of my promise.

When she asked me, I replied with "Yea, to go on missions."

"Where?"
"Bangkok."
"What country is that in again?"
"Thailand"
"Oh, that just gave me chills."
"Why?"
"When I asked you 'where' the first country that came into mind was Thailand."

With that, I told my mother to help me book a flight. Now I am here in Bangkok, learning so much about humility, God's grace, and healing. I am seeing "new faces, new places." I am attending Newsong Bangkok, and serving on the worship team! "Put a new song on my mouth" indeed! Even more exciting, my vocal range has changed while being here. I can actually hit some of the harder notes and the low octaves have gotten richer. Tis strange, but I believe with God's timing, the impossible is possible.

Now, after being here for about a month and a half, I am learning about what it means to feel like and "outsider". Even being in California, I felt that way many of times. However, yesterday' sermon was on being an "outsider" yet understanding, that thee way humans were made, was to be somewhere else. The bible speaks of past prophets and those God called to do His work. They felt much like outcasts many of times.

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Heb 11:13-16 (NKJV)

Also in 1Peter, we are encouraged with:

Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul, having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.

1 Pe 2:11-12 (NKJV)

Now with that, within a few months, I will be "shifted" again to Los Angeles.God keeps reminding me about heaven, and that in this life, I will feel very out of place many of times (and it's completely normal too). In Los Angeles, I hope to get graduate housing (at the Weyburn Terrace) and room with my friend Yen Ling. Does this mean I will be moving to Newsong LA? Who knows. I don't why God wants me to be affliated with Newsong church. It's actually a bit difficult for me, considering at times I feel that NS focuses heavily on social work, and not enough on disicpleship and prayer. Perhaps maybe that's why I am there? I am the eye, that needs the hand, that needs the eye?

"New places, new faces." God is putting many new songs in my mouth. Can I sing them all and not get exhausted? Please keep me in prayer about this.

I want to go Home.

A few days immersed in smog-filled air and loud engines racing by can make an orange county girl like me in want of sweet sweet relief. In other words, I want to go home.

Yes, I'd say it is rather pathetic, being a "missionary" to do God's work, I haven't seem to grasp what that work is. Originally I came with the intent to volunteer my services, time, and whatever other talents I may possess. How glorious! Such a servant's heart one would think. However, it hasn't been that way. I am adjusting to the daily movements of administrative paperwork. I take time to sit with some women and string in beads together (they make jewelry to earn a proper wage). I have been on outreach in the red light area (Nana). And currently, teaching English /guitar are the next assignments they have scheduled for me... and yet...

I feel absolutely useless... and alone.
I never could emphasize with those who came from other countries (missionaries / foriegn exchange students / college students) until now. Though it's been about 5 days, loneliness has quickly become my closest friend...and physical sickness..So I have two friends..

I brought a cold virus from California (poor Thai) and it evolved into a sinus infection. In addition the smog was irritating my lungs and I had to cover my mouth a few times so that psychologically I wasn't inhaling the poison (I usually do this when I take a crap too [TMI?] ). Then I drank the water, and my stomach started to hurt... So of course, feeling lonely, having a cold, sinus infection, and stomachache I'm pretty sure it's somewhat understandable that I wanted to go home...

Then I heard God speak.
It's always amazing to try to figure God out. Being a Christian for about 7 years, He never seems to show the same side of Him. There is the Sweet Father God; the one who smothers his children with blessings and ooeygooey affection. There is the human God; Jesus Christ who understands our temptations, limitations, struggles and reluctance to do the will of God (Yes, Jesus didn't necessarily want to die on the cross, but He wanted to do the Father's will). And as of now...

God has become.. the disciplining Father.
I read in Proverbs the other day "God disciplines those He loves." And then today's sermon at Newsong was about loneliness and how before Jesus did ministry, God the Father took him to a desert and tested him for 40 days. After that, his ministry was powerful! What does that discipline look like for me? Well, before doing God's work, I needed to refocus on my relationship with Him.

So today, I sat in a nearby cafe, sipping on a watered-down cafe mocha (I make Bangkok sound horrible) with my bible and journal. And God and I went on a date. He spoke to me pretty clearly through some scriptures. We were there well over 2 hours. And it was good.

I still have those feelings of wanting to go home. I still feel absolutely lonely and misunderstood by many (no need for details). But, this is what God wants for now... discipline. To spend time with Him and let Him be enough in this world...I guess it's another reminder that heaven is our real abode and only there will Christians come to resolve their innate desire to belong.