When you have all that you want...

It's 5:10 am. I am up.
The noise trails of cars race by my apartment, following the hush of street trees.
Reading Heavenly Man, yet again, has humbled me.

One day I will die. And you will too.
What is this life that we waste on distractions and frivolous notoriety?
"meaningless! meaningless! says the teacher."

Living in Los Angeles, I've become accustomed to:

1. Making sure to not wait in line.
2. Always finding a way to try out the latest hot spots.
3. Keeping: good grades, a most supportive boyfriend, and physical/social attentiveness

It is a thrill, to always have everything you want. Have everything you want.
Apartment on the west side with plenty of parking. Art Director Boyfriend who does work for high profile companies and clientele. The ability to: edit film, write papers, read books, dance, analyze, business forecast, market, counsel, write curriculum, do bible study, cook, find deals, photoshop/finalcut/protools, stopmotion.So much food in the fridge that it spoils within a week. I use sprigs of Basil, from my Basil plant, not the dry stuff. Saffron to color and flavor rice. I work out for free at UCLA's gym, and use their saunas / showers. Eat out: Allora in Weho. Bottega in DT. Real Food in BH. Planet in SM. Sandwiches on Larchmont. Sprinkles. Lawrys. Flemings. Taurino. Tasca. RoadtoSeoul. Phoenix.Kogi. Pinks.Unagi.Pacos.Blue Marlin.Novel.Intelligensia.Cashbah.Private Lofts.Lofty prices.Fashion shows.Benefits.Les Deux/ Citizen/Green Door/etc. HotelCafe.MagicCastle.RevoLA.Shepard Fairy. Shakira.Melrose. JetRag.Goodwill.944. GOOD.Freedom and Fashion...

My boyfriend is the almost perfect boyfriend in existence. Only Jesus is my perfect boyfriend.I have supportive parents, who don't beat me (anymore at least). I love my church small group. I have friends. I have more than most, and I know it.

I dont want any of this if that is all there is to life.
There will always be this insatiable appetite for more, if I choose to worship myself.
Me.Me.Me.Me.Me.

I humbly ask you my fellow brother/sister in Christ (if you're reading this), to keep me in prayer. I want to use all that He has blessed me with for His glory, to expand His kingdom, and show His love to many who are hurting or not realizing His love.

My friend just emailed me today about how one of our FnF team members accepted Christ.
And again, I was reminded.


The journey and fight is not about me.
It's about Jesus Christ, and my life isn't over yet.

before a fall

when withering leaves becomes of me
will you see?
a fine autumn day
aerial shots
black caps, black suits, black boots
paying homage to the great
let down
the box into the soil
among petitions of others
for reality to not set in

down goes the great
back to dust

come along all!
let arise the one
holding keys

all hail!
gates of hell
will not prevail, prevail, prevail.

a few months equals life changed.

it's almost 5am.
these past 6-7 months has been killer.
i never knew how big freedom and fashion would get.
the lord is good.

new season of healing for many.
including me.


jhplusbk to come soon.
post show of course.


back to work.
see you guys at the show this thursday. dont be late!

Of Worry and Paradigm Shifts

it's been a while hasn't it? i wonder if blogging less means im being productive in real time. perhaps.

i don't know what to make of this post. a friend of mine started a new blog called "steveleeismeantome", a daily musing consisting of fml moments to which i thought mildly brilliant. i say mildly for now and will conclude it either rubbish or brilliant after a few more posts. yea i said rubbish. sterilized trash is less offensive, at least in my world.

besides the never ending white noise of commuters, it's relatively quiet in my apartment. against the busyness outside, i am left immobile to thoughts - a worrisome creature i am. some say it's necessary for the execution of tasks. others say it leads to ulcers and a horrible attitude in life. cross hatched leaves droop above our balcony reminding that even trees are taken care of.

it is well it is well within my soul. even ants smashed by my roomie's hands show of wrath deserving, yet i am spared when i curse another soul. why is this? this morning, i read on the topic of grace. this past year i've come to a deeper understand of it. it's remarkable to think that paradigms do shift, often unknowingly to the person in them. i knew i lived under grace before, but to what degree? the revelation of God's love for me and the frailty of who i am is humbling.

so for the most of you out there, i've been working with a fantastic team to host a fashion show in the fall. every single day has been a challenge in one way or another. the team is now about 20 strong, yet i always wonder how it will all pan out in the end. i only know to walk by faith for now.

...in the end, all that glitters will fade. more than fame and wealth, i want to leave an impression in the heavenlies.

God be my everything.

tightrope

i will not cop out.
i will not make fashion over jesus.
i will not make cause over jesus.
i will not make emotions over jesus.

i love you jesus.
only you changed my heart and saved me from years of abuse
and pain.

keep me grounded lord because i can't do this without you.

I am loved; I am thankful

i am back, fresh to death droppin on this spot. welcome back welcome back to the wee hours of late night musings.
what's a goin on?

so much it's elephant-sized or more.

where to begin...started student teaching at both a middle and high school, almost cried at seeing how much they've improved in writing essays withing two months, started helping out with FNF, i dont know.. life is just so fantastic.

every morning i awake to a disgruntled body in want of safety between comforter sheets; i fight to get up and out. but God has been doing a number on my conscience and discipline issues. (by the way, much kudos and 'ppreciation to those who have been praying for me about that). never in all of my 20 something years have i been so disciplined. God challenged me to spend time with him right when i wake up (the space between numbness and fleshy desires at its peak) and right before i say adieu to the day and enter into oblivion. it's been about two months since and there is a definate change. remember my previous posts of how busy i was? well... that has increased.. yet my peace and joy in life has also increased all the more. i love teaching these crazy 7th and 9th graders. i love my roommate. i love my friends. i love my church. i love FNF and all its members. i love helping out with UCLA's fashion show. i love the hot weather, the amazing eateries in west la / hollywood / la cienga /santa monica. i love the chill joints in downtown. i love stopping by echo park and grabbing an organic kombacha juice with custom made burrito at tribal cafe. i love that my friend brett always invites me to the echoplex even though i never get to go (but we shall!). i love it that i met people like jeanne and joanne who love art and music and jesus. i love running for free at the wooden. i love going to fashion shows, art shows in olavera street, homemade filipino curry, beach cruzin on venice beach passing a trillion people while talking to alex about how we can raise funds to give children laptops, i love salsa (though i suck), love getting an interview with daniel franco, collaborating with Giving Children Hope and Not For Sale, i love Phoenix and their music, i love willo's rebukes (sometimes), daniel's patience, nart's networking advice, ian's guidance on project execution, yen ling's event planning tips, enoch's prayers, kevin's pure friendship, caroline's supportive attitude, danny's fellowship, stephanie's heart for the broken, matt's late night invitations for tea and cake at korean cafes in downtown (ha), karen's artsy loves, and everything about LA (except the traffic), catherine's i miss yous, gina's vatoloco vmails, reggie's fake disgust when embraced, gloabl-minded people, so many talented people everywhere, so much to learn from...

in all things.. whether rich or poor or with much or little.. i shall be content...

for now.. i know i have much and am not complaining. the only part i've really changed is spending more time with Jesus.... and tah-dah, something has shifted.


Thank you God. You said You will pull me through the months of hell and You did.
You challenged me to spend more time with you and now I realize why.

Everything is still the same in some sense... I think I have changed as a person.

And still changing...

:0)

entrapments never package itself as sin

it gets harder as i get older..
the more you know the harder to believe.

the artist's life is a risky one.
lost in the trances of emotion
pretty spirals and curly cues.


getta chick confused sometimes.


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