Hark for Ages, Be Courageous

It's 5:00am and I am in need of sleep. Sleep deprivation makes for a very irritable morning. Laying down my head at midnight, I was kidding myself when I thought sleep would easily come upon me. So after two hours of unsettling thoughts keeping me from my well deserved rest, I decided for productivity instead. Finished cleaning up the room, organizing some materials for tomorrow, contemplating if I should log onto Facebook (okay, that's not productive, and I did cave), reading, rationalizing certain thoughts...

On that note. When does performance outweigh character? I find it very morbidly fascinating to see those who have the amazing ability to influence, to lead, to shape the nature of human's frail minds into courage, lead dual lives. Of course, people are not without sin; we all fall short. But when there is such a stark contrast between loving the stranger and loving the close ones.. it boggles my mind. Could I argue that loving the stranger is actually easier at times? The stranger is not aware of the lover's shortcomings...yet. And when the stranger becomes close enough to be a close one, they are no longer recognized as deserving the love that a stranger deserves. I have observed those with charisma, talent, even spiritual gifts, overlook the aspect of personal moral character, thinking that their service to mankind suffices. Obedience is better than sacrifice, and rebellion is like sorcery says the Word. I believe God delights in a person listening and obeying His directions more than what we can offer. To offer our own ideas of sacrifice is in essence prideful and a perversion of truth. His ways are much higher than our ways, and the results of our actions has consequences. In comparison, I find it exceptionally laudable when meeting those who challenge themselves transparently. Even if their vices are gruesomely honest before a critical public, it is honest. And when they expose their vulnerability, it is then that healing takes place. Others, who may be struggling are also surprised to find that they aren't fighting it alone.

This sounds harsh, and maybe it is. But truth was never suppose to feed into the lies of entitlement. I am not entitled to live a double life, and maybe that is why often times I feel very alone in being this way. Often I feel a bit frightful exposing myself so much via blogging. But, it keeps me level-headed and gives an opportunity for what reality means to me. I am full of shortcomings. I am fearful of things. I am lost in thoughts many a times.

But this is who I am and I refuse to not deal with areas in my life that bring pain to myself and to others.
And when I meet people who understand this (even attempts at it), I want to take their hand, shake it,
and say "teach me".