A Wayward Heart Comes Home

What can I say but be stilled by the grace God has shown me. For the past few days, I've attended the Jesus Generation Conference held by Blessed church. Various speakers spoke so much truth into my life. Prayer warriors at the bottom of the stage prayed for me extensively, prophesied many convicting words of knowledge and of the future. I was left in tears of repentance knowing that God was and still by my side all this time.

I don't know exactly what it is, but I am for certain that 2009 is going to be a very life changing year. Aside from the fact that I will be a salaried teacher by fall, there is a air of freshness equipping me for new beginnings and greater expectations. After being prayed for (I was like Jacob, wrestling for God's blessings and healing until I got it, haha) I felt so free, so liberated from all the months of mental turmoil I was enduring. Many of you know from my emotional instabilities (even more so than usual) I was going through a very dark period of my life. Every morning a new breed of negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and sharp stings pervaded my mind. Questions of "how" or "why" bothered any sanity I held onto. It was obessessive compulsicve thinking to say the least. But by the end of the week, the power of the Holy Spirit took over this crippled mind and challenged it to faith. I was so blind to the truth of God's love and soveringty. I was being oppressed extensively and didn't even know it. God kept telling me that "times of refreshing are soon to come". I was waiting and waiting and waiting... night after night after night after night. Le mes.

When you're living in a life of compromise (in the sense of rebellion, not out of ignorance), you are asking to be enslaved to confusion and dissatisfaction. As for me, I still didn't realized the depth of bitterness I held onto inside. Even reading the bible, often words will be read through the lens of a person's heart. That is why it is crucial to come empty and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when reading the scripture. The other night I was reading "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love" (John 15:10). I was more annoyed than encouraged. I analyzed this verse and thought "So, okay God, then your love is conditional, since I have to do things for you."

But, the heart is truly deceptive... My heart, at that time was filled with anger towards God. I did not "feel" His love. I did not want to acknowledge that He cared for me. And what it came down to was my own selfishness. If you truly think about it, if I profess to have faith in God, then why do I grumble when I don't get what I want? Lack of faith = faith in myself.

During the conference, people prayed certain words "give her a new heart" "God is giving you heart surgery" "Give her joy, take the pain away" "Help her to know that You are good" "Heal the pain in her heart" and more. I didn't tell any of these people what was going on in my life, and I don't believe I made any dramatic gestures during the prayer to give them clues as to what was going on. But time and time again, it always came down to the renewing of my heart. Finally, balling broken and unashamed, I told God how sorry I was for my lack of faith in Him.

Then, liberation.
It's interesting when I looked at the verse in John after the conference. I scribbled the prior mentioned markings on the margins of my bible. Next to it, I wrote "No, the reason why you obey God is because His directions are coming from a place of Love, not vice versa". It made complete sense to me. Without having a relationship based on love, you cannot trust. And without trust, there is no faith, since trust is faith. So, having no faith in God, basically meant, I wasn't living in His love, but doing whatever I pleased (and who am I to know what's best for me right? haha).

There are tons of other God moments, I'll write them up later. But for now,
I am soooo freee and happpppyyyyy!


God you are so good.
Jesus' blood never fails.