It's been a few weeks into life in LA. It has been a mixed of hell and pleasure. Grad school has disappointed me at times. I expected more in terms of mind stimulation, but it's because I'm not as engaged in class? Who knows. Distractions are heavy. Everyday, I wake up to disturbing thoughts of the recent past, paralyzing the new day. Each morning I'm fighting to reorder my mind, to hold onto the greater joys that lie ahead. Much of life is passing by: 20 units, lesson plans, GKC small group, Newsong small group, CSC, friends, homework, readings, CSC website making, SKYSUN webblog making, documentary brainstorming, buying food, making food, consuming wisely, is this fair trade? is this eco-friendly? please, only that, proposition arguements, not spending money as much as possible, issues of sex slavery...and the list continues. what i find release in: photography, art, music, reading. i was advise by a friend today to make some time for myself. The mixture of duties are real. I know I am supposed to make that documentary. I know I'm supposed to be a part of CSC and GKC and be in a teacher education program. I know I'm supposed to be making music. So why the heavy-burdens?
It is definitely a test of my character. Timing is indeed everything. Adding to my impatient nature, my own comforts zones have been crossed. Various types of people, types of class differences, types of ministry focuses, various giftings, school's indoctrination of humanistic/post modern/relative perspectives, and of course, the recurring dreams (sometimes nightmares) of the constant reminder that i just wasn't good enough.
How can I live without Jesus?
By His grace I'm surviving through all this chaos.
In a season or two, I will be stronger...
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